Why do people say strong-willed children are bad?

[Anonymous]

Wow.

You see the varied responses here on different ends of the spectrum from "willful" kids being "spoiled brats" because they're not obedient and also that parents just need to try harder to meet their needs.

Just like there's a spectrum between "willful" and "easy" children, there's a spectrum on what parents are able to handle without saying it's difficult for them or not.

All of it's based on judgement. If you're able to handle "willful" children, then I'm sure you'll have kids that end up being great adults. If you struggle with "willful" children, then I bet you're still trying your best but no one handed you a instruction manual for your child when they were born.

Some of these kids will go on to be diagnosed with special needs like ADHD. You do you, but I hope the person saying these kids are simply "spoiled brats" keep their opinion to themselves instead of saying it to a child or their parents...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because it's a pain in the butt. Nobody enjoys having to constantly manage another person's every activity, even without battles and backtalk and stalling. Are you a parent? Your reference to your niece makes me think you aren't.

Look, you're not wrong. My smart, stubborn, "willful" girl is going to be an amazing, tough, assertive 30 year old woman. But as a kid who needs to brush her teeth and won't, she can be exhausting.

It's all of this. I saw this as a willful child (and adult). And now faced with 'raising myself'?? Gracious!

[Anonymous]

When every adult that encounters your child finds them challenging, then the child is strong-willed/willful. DS has been this way since he was about 3. He's fun to be around, but incredibly challenging when it comes to school, chores, or getting to do anything that wasn't his idea. Any time a child continues to break the rules because they want to do something even though they know the consequences, they are willful. I think all of you people saying that its the adult/parent, don't really have a willful child and don't understand what its like.

[Anonymous]

My oldest son is truly, objectively speaking, strong willed. Always has been, since infancy. He's also extremely intelligent and tenacious, and will always try to argue and negotiate. We know he'll do well as he gets older, but we are exhausted and it is what it is. Nobody in our lives dole out this label willy nilly, and when we use it, it's because it's true.

[Anonymous]

I have two easy kids and one very strong-willed one. Wow, it’s a pain in the neck. But when he decides to do something, he is all in. And it’s never because of what his parents want; it’s completely self-driven. We think he will be ok in the long run. But he’s quite annoying to parent. Almost impossible to, in fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because it's a pain in the butt. Nobody enjoys having to constantly manage another person's every activity, even without battles and backtalk and stalling. Are you a parent? Your reference to your niece makes me think you aren't.

Look, you're not wrong. My smart, stubborn, "willful" girl is going to be an amazing, tough, assertive 30 year old woman. But as a kid who needs to brush her teeth and won't, she can be exhausting.

It's all of this. I saw this as a willful child (and adult). And now faced with 'raising myself'?? Gracious!

Agreed. I wasn't a willful kid, and my willful daughter is crushing my will to live. She'll be a force as an adult, but raising her is not easy.

I also think that plenty of kids don't often protest what they're "supposed" to do. My middle kid is like this: he rarely has to be reminded to bring in his dishes from the table, clean up, etc. He doesn't fight us on most stuff; it's not his nature. The youngest picks his battles while the oldest fights us on pretty much everything she can. Kids are different.

[Anonymous]

I have a 30 year old who was a willful or "spirited" child.

Simple, every day things like "go get dressed" were not so simple.

The thing is, everything isn't negotiable. He had to get dressed because we had to leave. I couldn't be late for work because my 5 year old didn't want to get dressed. After talking to someone at daycare, I took him in PJ's. Once. He wasn't allowed to do anything until he was dressed. Not even say hi to friends. He stopped refusing to get dressed after that.

He grew up still thinking at times that rules (laws) shouldn't apply to him. That if he didn't want to do something at that point he shouldn't have to. It cost him various jobs. He ended up in legal trouble. He's finally getting his head on straight.

There isn't always a choice to not do what needs to be done.

You don't want your food? Ok. Maybe you'll be hungry... but you will be ok. But say "no thanks" instead of "NO!" There is no need for a tantrum.

I also learned to not listen to the Grandparents.

We allowed ds to eat outside once, when we had a full house for a meal. Ds didn't like crowds, he got panicky. So he took his plate outside. FIL just couldn't keep out of it. I finally said "Not your kid... your opinion is not needed."

I understand both sides. I encourage parents to have some non- nogotiables, and consequences for crappy behavior. And yes, I know how much of a battle that can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because it's a pain in the butt. Nobody enjoys having to constantly manage another person's every activity, even without battles and backtalk and stalling. Are you a parent? Your reference to your niece makes me think you aren't.

Look, you're not wrong. My smart, stubborn, "willful" girl is going to be an amazing, tough, assertive 30 year old woman. But as a kid who needs to brush her teeth and won't, she can be exhausting.

I am a parent. My daughter is nine. I referenced my niece because that is where I have heard people using the term willful to describe her. But the behavior they are describing seems like very normal kid behavior. My daughter definitely resisted stuff like bedtime or meals at that age, but it never occurred to me to describe her as difficult. That's just how toddlers are.

I agree parenting is exhausting. But often these comments are coming from people who aren't the parents (my in-laws). And also, it's not the kid's fault it's exhausting. Of course it's hard work to raise a human being. What did people expect?

You got an easy kid. If I only had my first kid I would be smug like you are. I could say the first thing- oh, he had episodes where he was willful, and I handled it, what's the big deal? Having a second kid who is actually willful is a completely different parenting experience. It is the one episode of not eating, or not brushing your teeth, it is the never-ending, relentless, you can't make me battle, over everything that gets so incredibly tiring. My second kid is amazing, an independent thinker, clever, and can be incredibly kind but the amount of energy needed to parent him is so much more than my easy first kid.

[Anonymous]

Because having to ask your kid over and over again to do something is exhausting. Having to threaten your kid with a consequence several times a day to get them to do something is exhausting. Parenting should be enjoyable. Strong willed children make everything a struggle.

[Anonymous]

Because strong-willed children make everyone around them miserable. I'm sorry but it's true. I dont know what the deal with your niece is. Doesn't every child hate having their teeth brushed? But my best friend's son is strong-willed and we had to stop hanging out with her altogether. It's not just having to deal with his constant tantrums when things don't go his way, it was him bullying every kid around him into giving him his way, too. My kids are their own people, but they don't have the stamina that he does to argue Every. Little. Thing. when they get together. Result: They had to do what he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it, exactly how he wanted it done, or endure endless harassing and arguing. I finally said enough and my friend and I only get together as adults now. That kid may well be a top executive one day, but I know for a fact he doesn't get invited to many playdates now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because strong-willed children make everyone around them miserable. I'm sorry but it's true. I don't know what the deal with your niece is. Doesn't every child hate having their teeth brushed? But my best friend's son is strong-willed and we had to stop hanging out with her altogether. It's not just having to deal with his constant tantrums when things don't go his way, it was him bullying every kid around him into giving him his way, too. My kids are their own people, but they don't have the stamina that he does to argue Every. Little. Thing. when they get together. Result: They had to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it, exactly how he wanted it done, or endure endless harassing and arguing. I finally said enough and my friend and I only get together as adults now. That kid may well be a top executive one day, but I know for a fact he doesn't get invited to many playdates now.

Omg!

This was us last year. I told my best friend her kid was too much. The kid is eleven years old and everything must be his way or argue to death. It was unbelievable to watch and my kids refused to play with him.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is bad for them. For us as parents, yes because it is much more challenging to have to argue or go through these disagreements almost every single day for stupid stuff. And later on, during the tween and teen years, the stakes are higher and it is definitely more difficult to parent a child like this.

That said, for an adult it bodes well that they are stubborn and "willful" because usually these type of people have more grit and determination - which makes easier to succeed in life in general.

So, while I both and moan about my 6y old sometimes, I am also glad that she has this personality trait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is bad for them. For us as parents, yes because it is much more challenging to have to argue or go through these disagreements almost every single day for stupid stuff. And later on, during the tween and teen years, the stakes are higher and it is definitely more difficult to parent a child like this.

That said, for an adult it bodes well that they are stubborn and "willful" because usually these type of people have more grit and determination - which makes easier to succeed in life in general.

So, while I both and moan about my 6y old sometimes, I am also glad that she has this personality trait.

I just want to clarify that I don't equal willfulness with brattiness! There is a huge difference and brattiness is never acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is bad for them. For us as parents, yes because it is much more challenging to have to argue or go through these disagreements almost every single day for stupid stuff. And later on, during the tween and teen years, the stakes are higher and it is definitely more difficult to parent a child like this.

That said, for an adult it bodes well that they are stubborn and "willful" because usually these type of people have more grit and determination - which makes easier to succeed in life in general.

So, while I both and moan about my 6y old sometimes, I am also glad that she has this personality trait.

Actually, I've seen willful kids grow up to be minimally successful. They still argue everything. Most things have to be done their way without considering input from others.

They aren't leaders, they are exhausting and annoying to be around, and hard to work with.

[Anonymous]

I have a stubborn and strong willed child. However, I refuse to let him grow up to be a narcissist or inconsiderate jerk. He is free to flex his will as long as it doesn’t disregard others time or feelings.

Yes, it’s challenging.