Why do people say strong-willed children are bad?

[Anonymous]

I've never understood the attitude that strong-willed children are bad. My husband's family uses the term "willful". People seem to use it for really minor stuff like a kid being resistant to brushing their teeth or something. I'm not talking about when a kid is kicking or biting or yelling or doing something that is never okay in a person of any age. I just mean when a kid is reluctant to do something that it seems pretty understandable they would be reluctant to do.

Like if my niece ever says no to anything or is resistant in any way to, say, putting on her pajamas or eating a meal, everyone will say "Oh, she is so willful." But it seems to me she just doesn't want to stop what she's doing to do whatever she's being asked to do, or she doesn't like the food she's being served. It seems normal to me, even if it makes things hard for the parents. I mean, I'm an adult and I don't just automatically do whatever someone tells me to do. I might not just say no or walk away the way a toddler would, but that's because I'm old enough to understand there are better ways of communicating things. And the only reason I know that is because adults taught me that stuff when I was a kid, instead of just complaining I was "strong-willed."

It seems like usually when people call a child willful it's just because they just want a kid to silently agree to do whatever they ask. In other words, I feel like it's what adults say when they don't feel like parenting.

[Anonymous]

I agree. I think parents with easy kids mistake normal childish behavior as willful.

Willful kids do exist but nowadays they get diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder

[Anonymous]

Because it's a pain in the butt. Nobody enjoys having to constantly manage another person's every activity, even without battles and backtalk and stalling. Are you a parent? Your reference to your niece makes me think you aren't.

Look, you're not wrong. My smart, stubborn, "willful" girl is going to be an amazing, tough, assertive 30 year old woman. But as a kid who needs to brush her teeth and won't, she can be exhausting.

[Anonymous]

I think because many of these people are insecure control freaks. They're weak people in their lives, so they need to feel like they're dominating a child to feel powerful. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Because they are HARD to deal with sometimes. But I love my strong willed child. I was one, too.

[Anonymous]

Because its easier to blame and label the child then change your parenting to better meet the childs needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because it's a pain in the butt. Nobody enjoys having to constantly manage another person's every activity, even without battles and backtalk and stalling. Are you a parent? Your reference to your niece makes me think you aren't.

Look, you're not wrong. My smart, stubborn, "willful" girl is going to be an amazing, tough, assertive 30 year old woman. But as a kid who needs to brush her teeth and won't, she can be exhausting.

I am a parent. My daughter is nine. I referenced my niece because that is where I have heard people using the term willful to describe her. But the behavior they are describing seems like very normal kid behavior. My daughter definitely resisted stuff like bedtime or meals at that age, but it never occurred to me to describe her as difficult. That's just how toddlers are.

I agree parenting is exhausting. But often these comments are coming from people who aren't the parents (my in-laws). And also, it's not the kid's fault it's exhausting. Of course it's hard work to raise a human being. What did people expect?

[Anonymous]

I’m glad to have a strong-willed child, exhausting as she is. I’ll never worry about her in the way I’ll worry about her people pleasing brother.

People don’t care for willful kids because they’re pills. But they make for better adults

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because its easier to blame and label the child then change your parenting to better meet the childs needs.

Nail on head.

[Anonymous]

They are tiring for the caregiver/teacher. They wear them thin. My DS is like this. As a single parent who had him 24/7/365, it was very tiring. Day in, day out. I always tried to remind myself that this character trait might serve him well in the future but right now, I am just done.

[Anonymous]

Because I mean any times “strong willed” and “spirited” mean brat.

And other times they are little narcissists in training.


But neither seems to be the case with your niece. Your family is misusing “willful”. Sounds like she’s just being a kid who needs a little help switching gears.

[Anonymous]

I have an only, and part of the reason he is an only child is that he was really, really 'strong willed' as a newborn an infant, a toddler, and then a preschooler. PITA. I didn't feel like I could deal with a second kid until he was about 9, and by then I was too old and headed toward a divorce …

Anyway. Deep down, I've always admired his temperament. Even during the years he made me want to gouge out my own eyeballs. The PP upthread who suspects that these "difficult" traits will serve you well as an adult is correct, IMO. DS is a young adult now and very much his own person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because its easier to blame and label the child then change your parenting to better meet the childs needs.

Nail on head.

? Nooo. Really strong-willed (or choleric) type children aren’t difficult because their needs aren’t met. It’s because they don’t mind conflict. They have several delightful qualities (I adore mine!), but parenting classes/books don’t change the daily struggle. These kids just require more work.

[Anonymous]

Because they are spoiled brats.

[Anonymous]

Because they are more focused on how much it sucks at the time than they are on how great it will be to have a self-determining adult child.