Ex from a long time ago's mom died

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would too. The email would just focus on how much you thought of his mom and condolences, I would not catch him up on your life etc.

This, but I would send a physical card rather than an email. It invites future drunk correspondence much less.

[Anonymous]

I definitely would send a note but I'd keep it totally focused on thoughts surrounding his mother. Nothing about your family, your past relationship with him, what he's up to etc.

[Anonymous]

I did this! A long term, on-again off-again, drama filled relationship that stretched from middle school through college. I had to get off the merry-go-round, so my last year of college, I cut him off completely and very dramatically, and refused even to talk to him anymore. Not handled maturely, for sure, but it was honestly the best thing for us, we both grew up and moved on.

But - I was very close with his family back in the day, and when I learned in my late 20s that his father had died, I reached out (via Facebook Messenger, didn't have another way) and just sent him something to the effect of "I know we haven't talked in a long time, and I know that's my fault, so I apologize if this message is poorly received, but I heard your father died, and I wanted to send along my condolences. He was such a wonderful guy. I remember..." and then shared a couple of very nice memories from our childhood.

He send me a message back that was very gracious and grateful, and I could tell it meant a lot to him. We went back and forth with a short life update after that, and now every year, I send a donation when he does his annual "race for the cure" for the disease his dad died of, and he sends me a thank you, and that's that.

I think the key things for me in doing it was 1) I 100%, no reservations, had no romantic feelings left for him, and was confident the same for him. It had been probably 7 years since we'd talked, and he was married, 2) related to point 1, if he had never responded, or even had responded in anger, I still would have felt good about what I did - considering all possible outcomes is smart, 3) I put the shoe on the other foot, and realized I would have been so touched to hear from him in the same way if something happened to my dad. I think a big reason for that is, objectively, we knew each other's dad's really well and spent a lot of time with them.

[Anonymous]

So my dad, just died. I really appreciated the stories and memories people shared of him and the impact they had on their lives.

I'm a facebook user, so many of these messages were on facebook.

Keep it short and sweet offer, your condolensces and the memory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would. It’s a kindness.

x2. It demonstrates you're a decent human being.

[Anonymous]

OP that's a long time ago. What grape vine?

He'll wonder how you found out, I would.

[Anonymous]

My husband's ex had the nerve to show up at his mom's funeral. Now that was way over the top, and she only embarrassed herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's ex had the nerve to show up at his mom's funeral. Now that was way over the top, and she only embarrassed herself.

Did she make a scene? Not getting the outrage over this. If the ex knew the mom, had fond memories of her why wouldn't she go to pay her respects?

[Anonymous]

Yes, write and send (or email) the note.

[Anonymous]

agree you should do this.
FWIW, i was contacted by an ex of my brother when he died. She was a real jerk, but that is beside the point. she sent a short note via facebook. we appreciated it, even though it said nothing (not like what a great person or what a loss or here is a good memory or anything...but 'i heard about the death through friends and thinking of you all/sorry to hear.'). classically, i wrote back a short note saying thanks and i know you all had some good times together/thanks for bringing joy to his life when you did. heard nothing back while i would have expected her to say something like 'ditto and all the best to you too.' crickets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would too. The email would just focus on how much you thought of his mom and condolences, I would not catch him up on your life etc.

+1

Yes, just condolences and maybe a nice memory of his mom. Nothing else.

[Anonymous]

I loved reading memories of my dad after he died. I’m forever grateful to people that took the time to send them. I received one from my high school ex boyfriend. We dated for 4 years but the relationship didn’t end well and we hadn’t spoken in 20 years. My ex had a rough home life and my dad really liked him, and helped him out in fatherly ways a few times while we were together. My ex said in the note that my dad showed him what a dad could be and he thinks of him often as he makes choices in raising his own kids. It was so nice to hear. I think it’s worth it to send the note.

[Anonymous]

I think it's worth it to send a note.

[Anonymous]

easy yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A heartfelt note is a nice gesture. People appreciate hearing/knowing that their loved one was loved.

+1

I've done it OP, and it was appreciated. Passionate break up, too, FWIW.