I don't want anyone else to have him.

[Anonymous]

There are a few things I did when I was in this situation (and I am SO GLAD I got out; you will be too):

I thought about what I'd tell a friend of mine if she were dating a person who treated her so terribly, and how I'd hate it for her - and also pity her after awhile and feel a little contemptuous.

I envisioned myself 10 or 20 years down the road still being in limbo with this jerk and what I'd have missed in my life during that time.

When I left, I completely ghosted him. Cut him off entirely and if friends brought him up I literally did not even respond to questions or comments about him. It was the only way for me to do it and not give in and go back to him. Some people will say that was immature but it wasn't like there was a lot of maturity on either side of that relationship anyway. It was a viable solution to a bad situation.

And, OP, after getting out and hearing that he was with someone else, and after some time had passed, I also realized that he wasn't the terrible person I had been making him out to be. Some of my view of him had to do with my own self-pity, which is obviously not a great way to look at the world or to be. But most of it was we were just a bad fit. For whatever reason we brought out a lot of each other's most annoying and not-great aspects. I still don't have any urge to talk with him ever again, but I realized neither of us were actually bad people even though we both did some bad, stupid, and occasionally downright cruel things over the course of our relationship. We just weren't right together.

And it does fade. And you will find someone you actually have FUN with, who makes you happy. And it's amazing. You can do it. Please do it!

[Anonymous]

I would try to figure out why someone who looses his temper and calls you a bitch would still appeal to you. Did your parents put you down and insult you growing up? Is it a dynamic that is familiar to you?

[Anonymous]

Stick the con list on the wall, every time you miss him or want to reach out, read it. Give yourself time, next year this time, you probably forget him already.

[Anonymous]

Can you list your pros/cons?

[Anonymous]

The leaving part is the hardest. The first few days and nights after you leave will be weird...it wasn’t sad for me...but just weird. It’ll seem like forever to get over, and I had the same exact feelings as you...but I got out of that funk quicker than I expected. I am so, SO happy to have left. Life is too short. Trust yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the worst components of breaking up.

And it doesn’t necessarily mean that you still love + want the person.

Since this guy doesn’t sound like a very good guy, I think imagining him w/someone else should not be a legit reason to stay.
(I know from personal experience >> Much easier said than done‼️)
But try to keep a realistic perspective.

Because if he does move on & find someone else -
Just keep in mind that he is “her” problem now and no longer yours.

OP: That's what I've been trying. I keep imagining him losing his temper with someone else, being cold to someone else, and calling someone else a b*tch. I'm trying hard to imagine the bad parts of him that will be dumped onto someone else.

The sexual attraction is probably great and difficult and probably some possessiveness there that attracts you to him but given his temper and your animosity to him you will both end up hurt here. There's no easy way around it and I doubt you will fully move on or him. I suggest to take a break from him and figure things out but don't break up yet.

[Anonymous]

take a break and date guys better than him who have more money and are more attractive than him. Invest in yourself.

[Anonymous]

Went through this for so long after th split. What eventually helped was finally meeting the woman he married and realizing she is not all that. I had been telling myself that I couldn’t bear him finding someone “better” than me ( though we were terrible for each other. She in fact is not “better than me”, she is just different, and they have difficulties too. I don’t envy her now, despite the fact that I will probably never find another relationship. Better alone than depressed and upset all the time as I was with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Went through this for so long after th split. What eventually helped was finally meeting the woman he married and realizing she is not all that. I had been telling myself that I couldn’t bear him finding someone “better” than me ( though we were terrible for each other. She in fact is not “better than me”, she is just different, and they have difficulties too. I don’t envy her now, despite the fact that I will probably never find another relationship. Better alone than depressed and upset all the time as I was with him.

Why do you think you'll never find another relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a few things I did when I was in this situation (and I am SO GLAD I got out; you will be too):

I thought about what I'd tell a friend of mine if she were dating a person who treated her so terribly, and how I'd hate it for her - and also pity her after awhile and feel a little contemptuous.

I envisioned myself 10 or 20 years down the road still being in limbo with this jerk and what I'd have missed in my life during that time.

When I left, I completely ghosted him. Cut him off entirely and if friends brought him up I literally did not even respond to questions or comments about him. It was the only way for me to do it and not give in and go back to him. Some people will say that was immature but it wasn't like there was a lot of maturity on either side of that relationship anyway. It was a viable solution to a bad situation.

And, OP, after getting out and hearing that he was with someone else, and after some time had passed, I also realized that he wasn't the terrible person I had been making him out to be. Some of my view of him had to do with my own self-pity, which is obviously not a great way to look at the world or to be. But most of it was we were just a bad fit. For whatever reason we brought out a lot of each other's most annoying and not-great aspects. I still don't have any urge to talk with him ever again, but I realized neither of us were actually bad people even though we both did some bad, stupid, and occasionally downright cruel things over the course of our relationship. We just weren't right together.


And it does fade. And you will find someone you actually have FUN with, who makes you happy. And it's amazing. You can do it. Please do it!

How long were you with this guy?

[Anonymous]

You should not want anyone else to be with him as he has issues he needs to works on before he is ready to be in a healthy relationship. He thinks he is fine and just assertive, so that is unlikely to change anytime soon.

You need to get out quickly and smoothly without wavering & going back if he decides to make false promises he has no intention of or the capability to follow through on.

Don't rush into another relationship. Take some time to process why you stayed as long as you did in this one and struggles to leave. Once out I think pretty quickly you will start to come out from the fog you have been in and see things more clearly. If not, contact a counsellor.

[Anonymous]

Suggestion: record him being an asshole and listen to it when you feel pangs of sadness or regret. I did this with my ex yelling at me (voice recorder on my phone - not video) and it kept me from reaching out every time I considered it. (Good thing because I met and married a kind guy after dumping him)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you let go of someone who is truly bad for you? I need to end a long-term relationship, and I *know* I will be better off without him in the long run, but the thought of him being with someone else makes me feel nauseous and sad.

As silly as it sounds, I made a pro and con list last night for him. The cons greatly outweigh the pros, but I still cannot bring myself to do it. I don't want to be with him because he's truly a bad person and not something worth hanging in there for, but I don't want him to be with anyone else either.

I wish I didn't feel this way. Have you ever experienced this? What can I do to stop it and gain enough self-respect to walk away?

What would you tell your daughter? Sister? Best friend?

Treat yourself better. Make sure others treat you better. And you're better than this.

When you cut him off, do it COLD TURKEY. Don't look back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You "don't want someone else to have him"?

OP, you don't own this guy. He's an independent human being and the faster you realize that, the better. Regardless of whether he's an asshole - and yes, he sure does sound like one - don't imagine you can control ANYONE. That's what stalkers and abusers do.

+1 That's exactly why so many people think OJ is guilty. He said, if I can't have her, no one can. Get help, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You "don't want someone else to have him"?

OP, you don't own this guy. He's an independent human being and the faster you realize that, the better. Regardless of whether he's an asshole - and yes, he sure does sound like one - don't imagine you can control ANYONE. That's what stalkers and abusers do.

+1 That's exactly why so many people think OJ is guilty. He said, if I can't have her, no one can. Get help, OP.

So what man? The guy is an abuser of women including the OP. The OP doesn't need help or snark from your critical ass. She needs SUPPORT. OP get your family or close relative involved for support or if you don't have any a best friend you can really trust to make your final decisions.