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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Genuinely asking because this is a common problem and fight in our household and I never thought about ADHD (he does not have any kind of diagnosis):

My husband (like OP's) does not forget these things at work - I can confidently say this because if he did he'd be fired.  So should I read the rest of these posts to mean he has a working system or high emotional charge for work-related things?

Should I not find it tremendously frustrating that he does not choose to create a similar system at home? [/quote]

PP with a ADHD husband here.  My husband functions at work, because he has to, otherwise he would lose his job - but he works long hours to accomplish what others could do in a day.  For other's their partners may function great at work because it is interesting and keeps their attention.  It's about attention, if they find the activity engaging and interesting, it shifts to the top of their mind.  If it's boring and mundane, it sinks to the bottom.  Unfortunately, most of "life" is boring and mundane chores that have to get done, but aren't interesting.  This is why a lot of partners can hold jobs, and hobbies, but seem to forget things like changing the lightbulb.

At home ... unfortunately i am there to pick up the slack.  This is how it's very common to slide into a "over performing - under performing" dynamic (or parent - child dynamic) in a marriage with a partner with ADHD.  He knows that I am there, and that i will do it, so it isn't as pressing for him, and it isn't interesting so he keep seeking "interesting" activities to do before the "boring" activity.

I am working on boundaries.  Knowing my limitations.  Not being a martyr and "taking it all on" because it has to get done, but lowering my bar so that I don't burn out.  Asking directly what i need from him, but have no expectations on when or how it gets done. Focusing on all the ways he does help and contribute to our family.  And most importantly, having an open line of communication with my hudband when his symptoms start flaring up, on how we can work on them together (what methods work for helping him remember what he needs to get done).  A lot of this is helping him re-prioritize what needs to be done first, not what he wants to do first.[/quote]

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