Reply to Is this normal behavior with a sibling? 14 y.o. DS

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, you say that because DD is "an adult" you don't intervene other than to remind him it's not nice.

Please don't use the "18 and up is an adult so we back off" thinking stop you from giving your son real consequences he will feel.

If you had a visitor in your home, you would stop, correct and discipline him for similar comments to that visitor regardless of the visitor's age -- wouldn't you? Yes?

Then you are treating your daughter as less important and valued than a visitor would be.

Why should things be different with your daughter because she is his sister and 19 years old? You're inadvertently modeling for him that she can be a target and it is only "not nice" to be cruel, when it should be unacceptable and bring down discipline every single time, consistently.

You also are setting up your DD to understand that he is allowed to do things which, had he done them a mere two years ago when she was 17, might have drawn more discipline from you. That tells her she's not really fully integrated into your household and is somehow less valuable as a technical adult than she was at 17. Should she stand up for herself? Yes, and it sounds like she does -- she asked him what the reason was behind the behavior, which is a mature response on her part. But he answered with nonsense and deflection (because he may not even know himself why he targets her this way).

They are both under your roof and you need to react more than just reminding him; he needs consequences. Find out his currency, what he most values and will miss if it's taken away. Likely that's screen time for many kids his age. You AND SPOUSE have a sit-down, no-distractions family meeting with him and explain very calmly that you see a pattern and it needs to end, so if he says X, he will get consequence Y (losing screen time for a full day or taking his phone away for two days or whatever works). Do this talk when he has NOT been acting up toward her. Explain that this is the new rule and will be handled the same way every time with no appeal. Don't over-talk it but be clear that X behavior will be answered with Y result. Then follow through. You and spouse both must be entirely on board here.

Meanwhile, sit and think about whether he has enough to DO to engage him during this time of staying at home so much. Is he taking any online courses for fun this summer? Does he have specific chores at home? Can one of you parents find a positive, fun project to do around the house or for fun with him, so he is interacting more with one of you? Do NOT say "we need to keep you busier so you don't do this to your sister" because that will turn him off. Just engage him more even than you think is necessary. He may talk about his real issues (which could be low self-esteem, since kids who have that often lash out and belittle others to make themselves feel better) while doing other things with you with his hands and brain. And -- be sure you praise him when he's supportive and kind to anyone including his sister.

And though I like the fun idea of a cooking competition, clearly you can't do that or anything competitive again since your DD takes it as fun and he gets overly competitive about it. [/quote]

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