Need to vent--only parent working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a slightly different perspective on this. I see where you are coming from and you need to make it clear to everyone that you are not to be bothered during the day. Shut yourself into a room and lock the door. However, it is interesting that you are encouraging day trips, play dates, etc in 90 degree heat during a pandemic. Between having to take precautions and worry about how safe everyone is being, that’s a lot of unnecessary worry and responsibility for your spouse to weather.

Could he possibly just not agree with you that those things are necessary right now? It’s summer for the kids too - if they look at their phones all day is that really such a big deal for one summer. Everyone is just trying to get through this time.

As I read it, the problem is not that everyone is looking at their phones — it’s that OP’s DH is looking at his phone all day and ignoring the kids. That means when the kids want a snack, they go knock on mom’s door. When the kid is tired of watching TV and wants to make popsicles, they knock on OP’s door. When the kid wants to play in the sprinklers, they knock on OP’s door. When they want to go to the pool, they knock on OP’s door. And I imagine, when they’re bored, they also knock on her door. That adds up to a ton of interruptions throughout the day.

It would be infuriating to see my spouse sitting on the couch messing with his phone and ignoring the kids while I was trying to work.

OP, you need to talk to your spouse ONCE. Then lock the door to your office and not respond. Yes, it sucks that your kids will not be well cared for and your husband is going to slack as much as possible. At a minimum he needs to give them breakfast and lunch and do one activity or outing everyday.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this OP...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fair that you ask him to keep the kids occupied, but not necessarily out of the house. It's hot and we're in the middle of a pandemic.

I agree with this. I think you can fairly expect him to keep the interruptions down and keep them occupied. But it's a heat wave in thr middle of a pandemic. We're not getting out of the house on a daily basis to do fun stuff right now. Daily outings and 9-5 entertainment is too high an expectation to put on the non-workinf parent.

Exactly. 100% an unrealistic expectation. What if your spouse just doesn’t want your kids on play dates and out with other kids? He’s a teacher so I would think you’d value his opinion and discretion on this too instead of treating him like your third child.

Are these low expectations because the lazy parent is male? Both DH and I work FT, and we somehow manage to take our kids outside *twice* a day (I in the mornings, he in the evenings). Getting outside is important for kids. So is being engaged in things other than screens all day. If both parents are working then yes, it may be too high of a bar to set right now depending on the kids’ age and temperament. If one parent is largely not working, then they need to get off their ass and start being a parent. They will have their summers free again starting 2021 or 2022

[Anonymous]

You need to set clear expectations with everyone. Don’t bother me when I’m working. Go to your dad. But also back off on what they’re doing all day. You didn’t marry someone who likes to plan outings. Not the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a full time job that is very demanding, even more so now that we have to work at home. My spouse has a job that doesn't require day-to-day work over the summer. Usually our kids would be at camp, but not this summer for obvious reasons. It is a daily struggle to get my spouse to engage the kids and get them out of the house every day. I set up playdates. I suggest going to a pool. I suggest day trips. Most of the time he goes along with what i suggest but takes no initiative do anything. I'm sick of my kids coming to me and saying they're bored and asking me to play with them. I wish I could but I HAVE TO WORK! I'm just worn out and mad right now.

Man, that's a lot of daily nagging. Stop nagging your spouse.

I’m amazed at what people call “nagging.” A spouse who needs these kinds of prompts is failing, and you’re blaming the victim for having the bare minimum of expectations.

This is OP--thank you for this response. I can assure the poster who says I'm nagging that it couldn't be farther from the truth. How is it nagging to suggest that my spouse engage the kids in some activity instead of looking their phone for hours at a time--while the kids do the same. I'm not saying they need to be out and about 8 hours a day--just do something active/fun to break up the monotomy.

Here's the thing - if you're going to leave him in charge of the kids, then he gets to decide how he is going to spend that time with them. Now, if what happens is that they are on their iPads all day until you call them down to help with dinner and then they have crappy attitudes because they've been staring at screens all day, then he gets to deal with them. Otherwise, you need to let him be a parent and not treat him like a hired hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a slightly different perspective on this. I see where you are coming from and you need to make it clear to everyone that you are not to be bothered during the day. Shut yourself into a room and lock the door. However, it is interesting that you are encouraging day trips, play dates, etc in 90 degree heat during a pandemic. Between having to take precautions and worry about how safe everyone is being, that’s a lot of unnecessary worry and responsibility for your spouse to weather.

Could he possibly just not agree with you that those things are necessary right now? It’s summer for the kids too - if they look at their phones all day is that really such a big deal for one summer. Everyone is just trying to get through this time.

As I read it, the problem is not that everyone is looking at their phones — it’s that OP’s DH is looking at his phone all day and ignoring the kids. That means when the kids want a snack, they go knock on mom’s door. When the kid is tired of watching TV and wants to make popsicles, they knock on OP’s door. When the kid wants to play in the sprinklers, they knock on OP’s door. When they want to go to the pool, they knock on OP’s door. And I imagine, when they’re bored, they also knock on her door. That adds up to a ton of interruptions throughout the day.

It would be infuriating to see my spouse sitting on the couch messing with his phone and ignoring the kids while I was trying to work.

OP, you need to talk to your spouse ONCE. Then lock the door to your office and not respond. Yes, it sucks that your kids will not be well cared for and your husband is going to slack as much as possible. At a minimum he needs to give them breakfast and lunch and do one activity or outing everyday.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this OP...

Ok, but how old are the kids? I have six-year-old twins, and they know not to bother either me or my husband when we have said we're on a call. So if I tell them that their dad is making lunch for them today because I have a call...they will go to their dad for lunch. If the kids are old enough to talk, they're old enough to learn not to bother mom while she's working.

[Anonymous]

How was DL from spouse’s perspective? All my teacher friends reported that this was basically the year from h***. Could it be that he started the summer burnt out? Of course, it’s July now, but if he started the summer with a bad screen habit, it’s so easy to just keep floating along. Moreover, it may not have clicked that he’s had enough time because he doesn’t feel rested yet.

I would approach him with a problem-solving attitude. “What do you need to happen to feel fully-rested?” will get you a lot farther than “ Stop farting around.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How was DL from spouse’s perspective? All my teacher friends reported that this was basically the year from h***. Could it be that he started the summer burnt out? Of course, it’s July now, but if he started the summer with a bad screen habit, it’s so easy to just keep floating along. Moreover, it may not have clicked that he’s had enough time because he doesn’t feel rested yet.

I would approach him with a problem-solving attitude. “What do you need to happen to feel fully-rested?” will get you a lot farther than “ Stop farting around.”

Not that you should *have* to do this, but he’s clearly struggling. Being almost over-compassionate will disarm him in a way that will increase the chances of getting what you seem to want: a spouse who will get off the couch and host summer camp in your backyard.

[Anonymous]

Start leaving the house to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How was DL from spouse’s perspective? All my teacher friends reported that this was basically the year from h***. Could it be that he started the summer burnt out? Of course, it’s July now, but if he started the summer with a bad screen habit, it’s so easy to just keep floating along. Moreover, it may not have clicked that he’s had enough time because he doesn’t feel rested yet.

I would approach him with a problem-solving attitude. “What do you need to happen to feel fully-rested?” will get you a lot farther than “ Stop farting around.”

OMG! She’s not his mother and he’s not 5.

This is a conversation that would be insultingly infantile even for a tween, I can’t imagine talking to my DH like that.

In my house we have the expectation that we married adults. If my spouse was choosing to act like a toddler, the appropriate response is “WTF?” not “Ill hold your hand while you cross the street - do you want your binky, too?”

[Anonymous]

My husband is going to think I posted this. You are not alone OP. I’m in the same boat now that DH lost his job. It’s hard for my DH to feel motivated because he is depressed and the children are depressed. Our kids have trouble getting to sleep at night due to inactivity. The best I can do is suggest activities once my work has finished for the day.

This is hard for everyone and many are stepping outside their comfort zone. It’s hard to expect someone to suddenly excel in a role they didn’t have much experience with before the pandemic. I’m trying to let it play out because there is no quick fix. We all just have to soldier through and know that things are less than ideal right now.

[Anonymous]

Same boat here.

Dh has a history of not acknowledging the kids when they specifically go look for him. After years kids don’t even try.

He is a little better now but really gyrates on my nerves. All I can say is that it all comes back to you.

When I am old, kids will try to take care of me. Dh on his own.

Read that all you dh out there?

[Anonymous]

You are worn out and mad. I can sympathize but rather than see all the things DH is not doing to your liking try to focus on the positive things he is doing and realize that the bigger problem is the pandemic. I am divorced with the kids 100% of the time during COVID and have a very demanding job. I have zero help. Your DH is not going to suddenly change and be the scheduler/organizer (that’s your role and while you get tired of it you likely are not willing to give up control of it) so you need to find another solution. I suggest hiring someone to take the kids outside 3-4 days a week.

[Anonymous]

It is much easier for you to get out of the house and get work done than for your husband to get two kids out of the house and engaged at this time.

Is it easy for you to do? No! Everything is closed. Or unsafe. Why would you expect him to have the kids out of the house.

That makes no sense at all.

We are all stuck in the house. We are all feeling stressed by it. Adjust your expectations.

If you need to go to an office for this to work, find a way to make that happen. Close yourself in a room and turn on the white noise.

If he wants to have a lazy summer the for God's sake let him.

[Anonymous]

Okay. This particular situation seems to be a recurring problem for the ladies here. I have a suggestion. Get all these men together once a week in someone's backyard and have a group therapy session for at least 2 hours.

I sense a pattern of male incompetence and it needs to be addressed. This epidemic is the real deal and must be resolved.

[Anonymous]

[vimeo]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a full time job that is very demanding, even more so now that we have to work at home. My spouse has a job that doesn't require day-to-day work over the summer. Usually our kids would be at camp, but not this summer for obvious reasons. It is a daily struggle to get my spouse to engage the kids and get them out of the house every day. I set up playdates. I suggest going to a pool. I suggest day trips. Most of the time he goes along with what i suggest but takes no initiative do anything. I'm sick of my kids coming to me and saying they're bored and asking me to play with them. I wish I could but I HAVE TO WORK! I'm just worn out and mad right now.

Man, that's a lot of daily nagging. Stop nagging your spouse.

I’m amazed at what people call “nagging.” A spouse who needs these kinds of prompts is failing, and you’re blaming the victim for having the bare minimum of expectations.

This is OP--thank you for this response. I can assure the poster who says I'm nagging that it couldn't be farther from the truth. How is it nagging to suggest that my spouse engage the kids in some activity instead of looking their phone for hours at a time--while the kids do the same. I'm not saying they need to be out and about 8 hours a day--just do something active/fun to break up the monotomy.

Here's the thing - if you're going to leave him in charge of the kids, then he gets to decide how he is going to spend that time with them. Now, if what happens is that they are on their iPads all day until you call them down to help with dinner and then they have crappy attitudes because they've been staring at screens all day, then he gets to deal with them. Otherwise, you need to let him be a parent and not treat him like a hired hand.

I mean...is it really fine with you if your kids are on screens all day long, every day? The idea that he is “in charge” by putting them in front of iPads all day is laughable. The standards we hold men to are just a joke.