Need to vent--only parent working

[Anonymous]

I have a full time job that is very demanding, even more so now that we have to work at home. My spouse has a job that doesn't require day-to-day work over the summer. Usually our kids would be at camp, but not this summer for obvious reasons. It is a daily struggle to get my spouse to engage the kids and get them out of the house every day. I set up playdates. I suggest going to a pool. I suggest day trips. Most of the time he goes along with what i suggest but takes no initiative do anything. I'm sick of my kids coming to me and saying they're bored and asking me to play with them. I wish I could but I HAVE TO WORK! I'm just worn out and mad right now.

[Anonymous]

1) talk to spouse in calm moment and say, "I have to work from 9-5 without interruption so I need to count on you to take care of the kids during that time."

2) Stop suggesting things. This is his/her problem to solve. Go into your office and shut the door.

3) Everytime someone comes to the office to ask you for something the response is, "I'm working, ask your mom/dad". EVERY TIME

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a full time job that is very demanding, even more so now that we have to work at home. My spouse has a job that doesn't require day-to-day work over the summer. Usually our kids would be at camp, but not this summer for obvious reasons. It is a daily struggle to get my spouse to engage the kids and get them out of the house every day. I set up playdates. I suggest going to a pool. I suggest day trips. Most of the time he goes along with what i suggest but takes no initiative do anything. I'm sick of my kids coming to me and saying they're bored and asking me to play with them. I wish I could but I HAVE TO WORK! I'm just worn out and mad right now.

Man, that's a lot of daily nagging. Stop nagging your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Can you leave? I have used my phone as a hotspot and parked in an empty parking lot when I have been desperate. My DH will step up if I am not there but he definitely has trouble assuming the reins if I am upstairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a full time job that is very demanding, even more so now that we have to work at home. My spouse has a job that doesn't require day-to-day work over the summer. Usually our kids would be at camp, but not this summer for obvious reasons. It is a daily struggle to get my spouse to engage the kids and get them out of the house every day. I set up playdates. I suggest going to a pool. I suggest day trips. Most of the time he goes along with what i suggest but takes no initiative do anything. I'm sick of my kids coming to me and saying they're bored and asking me to play with them. I wish I could but I HAVE TO WORK! I'm just worn out and mad right now.

Man, that's a lot of daily nagging. Stop nagging your spouse.

I’m amazed at what people call “nagging.” A spouse who needs these kinds of prompts is failing, and you’re blaming the victim for having the bare minimum of expectations.

[Anonymous]

I think it's fair that you ask him to keep the kids occupied, but not necessarily out of the house. It's hot and we're in the middle of a pandemic.

[Anonymous]

Just commiseration. "Mom, can you make lunch for me." "Um, your dad is right. there."

Not to excuse the behavior, but perhaps your DH is struggling with not feeling as if he has value since he isn't working? Yes, it's old-fashioned to ascribe that to a man, but many of us find our identities in our work. If you are the default parent normally, this is a paradigm shift for everyone. My DH was sent home for a few weeks and was at a loss that I was working and he wasn't. It really highlighted that even in normal times I am the default parent and he had to step up.

Have the conversation, and have it again. My DH got better. Not great, but better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a full time job that is very demanding, even more so now that we have to work at home. My spouse has a job that doesn't require day-to-day work over the summer. Usually our kids would be at camp, but not this summer for obvious reasons. It is a daily struggle to get my spouse to engage the kids and get them out of the house every day. I set up playdates. I suggest going to a pool. I suggest day trips. Most of the time he goes along with what i suggest but takes no initiative do anything. I'm sick of my kids coming to me and saying they're bored and asking me to play with them. I wish I could but I HAVE TO WORK! I'm just worn out and mad right now.

Man, that's a lot of daily nagging. Stop nagging your spouse.

I’m amazed at what people call “nagging.” A spouse who needs these kinds of prompts is failing, and you’re blaming the victim for having the bare minimum of expectations.

This is OP--thank you for this response. I can assure the poster who says I'm nagging that it couldn't be farther from the truth. How is it nagging to suggest that my spouse engage the kids in some activity instead of looking their phone for hours at a time--while the kids do the same. I'm not saying they need to be out and about 8 hours a day--just do something active/fun to break up the monotomy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just commiseration. "Mom, can you make lunch for me." "Um, your dad is right. there."

Not to excuse the behavior, but perhaps your DH is struggling with not feeling as if he has value since he isn't working? Yes, it's old-fashioned to ascribe that to a man, but many of us find our identities in our work. If you are the default parent normally, this is a paradigm shift for everyone. My DH was sent home for a few weeks and was at a loss that I was working and he wasn't. It really highlighted that even in normal times I am the default parent and he had to step up.

Have the conversation, and have it again. My DH got better. Not great, but better.

OP here-- I laughed at the "Mom can you make lunch for me" because that is a constant in my house. My spoouse is a teacher, so i don't think the not-working thing is an issue.

[Anonymous]

What does your spouse do during the summers where your child is at camp? Working a different job, tutoring, playing Xbox? If spouse is used to having several weeks to fart around, then spouse needs to realize this summer is different and get it together. It's not nagging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a full time job that is very demanding, even more so now that we have to work at home. My spouse has a job that doesn't require day-to-day work over the summer. Usually our kids would be at camp, but not this summer for obvious reasons. It is a daily struggle to get my spouse to engage the kids and get them out of the house every day. I set up playdates. I suggest going to a pool. I suggest day trips. Most of the time he goes along with what i suggest but takes no initiative do anything. I'm sick of my kids coming to me and saying they're bored and asking me to play with them. I wish I could but I HAVE TO WORK! I'm just worn out and mad right now.

Man, that's a lot of daily nagging. Stop nagging your spouse.

I’m amazed at what people call “nagging.” A spouse who needs these kinds of prompts is failing, and you’re blaming the victim for having the bare minimum of expectations.

This is OP--thank you for this response. I can assure the poster who says I'm nagging that it couldn't be farther from the truth. How is it nagging to suggest that my spouse engage the kids in some activity instead of looking their phone for hours at a time--while the kids do the same. I'm not saying they need to be out and about 8 hours a day--just do something active/fun to break up the monotomy.

If you want your DH to watch the kids, let him watch the kids. Don't direct him what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fair that you ask him to keep the kids occupied, but not necessarily out of the house. It's hot and we're in the middle of a pandemic.

I agree with this. I think you can fairly expect him to keep the interruptions down and keep them occupied. But it's a heat wave in thr middle of a pandemic. We're not getting out of the house on a daily basis to do fun stuff right now. Daily outings and 9-5 entertainment is too high an expectation to put on the non-workinf parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your spouse do during the summers where your child is at camp? Working a different job, tutoring, playing Xbox? If spouse is used to having several weeks to fart around, then spouse needs to realize this summer is different and get it together. It's not nagging.

He basically only had to do drop-off and pick-up from camp. And last year, that was just one kid because the other one was at sleepaway camp.

[Anonymous]

I have a slightly different perspective on this. I see where you are coming from and you need to make it clear to everyone that you are not to be bothered during the day. Shut yourself into a room and lock the door. However, it is interesting that you are encouraging day trips, play dates, etc in 90 degree heat during a pandemic. Between having to take precautions and worry about how safe everyone is being, that’s a lot of unnecessary worry and responsibility for your spouse to weather.

Could he possibly just not agree with you that those things are necessary right now? It’s summer for the kids too - if they look at their phones all day is that really such a big deal for one summer. Everyone is just trying to get through this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fair that you ask him to keep the kids occupied, but not necessarily out of the house. It's hot and we're in the middle of a pandemic.

I agree with this. I think you can fairly expect him to keep the interruptions down and keep them occupied. But it's a heat wave in thr middle of a pandemic. We're not getting out of the house on a daily basis to do fun stuff right now. Daily outings and 9-5 entertainment is too high an expectation to put on the non-workinf parent.

Exactly. 100% an unrealistic expectation. What if your spouse just doesn’t want your kids on play dates and out with other kids? He’s a teacher so I would think you’d value his opinion and discretion on this too instead of treating him like your third child.