DS keeps taking my underwear
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Anonymous
PP here. Yeah, I think buying him his own is the only answer. It was a long time before my son (though they would not like me to presume their gender) would talk about it. In the beginning, the extent of the conversation was "stop taking me stuff. If you want your own, get it." It opened up the issue and it was evident that I wasn't going to judge. I just want my things where I expect them to be. And, I agree with you about the therapy - no way would I pay for therapy if my child isn't engaging. For a number of reasons, we've gone to providers outside of our insurance network so I pay 100% privately. I am not wasting money. I might thing otherwise if I was only paying a $15 copay. Good luck, OP. I don't think there is any way to know what it means until it sorts itself out as they get older and explore who they are. |
Anonymous
PP here. My family is not so possessive of our things. It's not unusual for us to buy jewelry to share or to just borrow things from each other. You can't find your scarf when you're ready to walk out the door, take someone else's and send them a text. You want to read a book that belongs to someone else, you take it and leave them a note. This is not something we view as stealing. So, with the undergarments, it was something that had to be stated. For other families, that may be different. But stealing isn't a term we would use in our family for borrowing something that belongs to someone else in the family. Different rules apply, of course, when it is something from someone outside our immediate family. |
Anonymous
New poster. OP, it sounds like you could use much more substantial help than we strangers on this forum can give you. Try to locate someone professional for YOU to talk to, via telehealth, so you can have someone help you with scripting out your reactions, coming up with the right questions to ask him and the right way to ask them, and separating the issues of possible gender identity questions (understandable, not to be punished) and theft (not fine, ever). I think you really would benefit from talking to therapist yourself to get ideas on how to proceed with him. The issue would be getting an appointment for yourself ASAP since you do need to deal with the theft aspect of this sooner rather than later. Telehealth therapy could still work for him IF you can find a tech way to block all other games he can access at the same time. But it's tough for a kid, and a therapist for ADHD issues may not be at all the right one for other issues. Maybe therapists are back to one on one sessions in person if masked. Be aware, too -- I hesitate to type it as it will get me flamed, but -- some therapists for teens right now do lean heavily toward diagnosing gender dysphoria pretty readily. It's a real thing but it's also something that some therapists are very quick to assume is the answer. Sometimes it absolutely is. Sometimes it isn't .Whatever is going on, you and we aren't qualified to parse what's really happening. |
Anonymous
Possessive maybe not, judgmental? absolutely. At least your teaching your kids some boundaries. I foresee your children struggling in romantic relationships. |
Anonymous
I hope OP comes back and explains why she has not enlisted the help of a therapist? Or has he/she lost interest in this thread now that the only comments being given are related to going to therapy. |
Anonymous
OP here -- I did mention in a response above that he was in therapy for other issues, but refused to engage. He won't talk to us, and likewise wouldn't talk to his therapist (with whom he had a decent relationship before things went all online) either. Also at this point I don't know if it is a problem of impulsivity combined with hormones leading to him taking stuff he shouldn't, or gender issues. |
Anonymous
| OP you could do therapy yourself to better understand how to deal with this. |
Anonymous
| I would suggest that you look for a parent support group for trans kids' parents and/or some reading material to better understand what might be going on. I also think your child might benefit from books on this topic, but I would look to an expert to suggest which ones. I don't know what kind of information he is accessing online, but you want him to know that other kids have this kind of behavior and that you want to help him work out his feelings without shame. I'd really find an expert on this kind of thing to talk to. Try PFLAG for guidance to reach someone for you to talk to. |
Anonymous
Very good advice. Please be kind to your child OP. |
Anonymous
My family was the same way. When I did laundry the men’s socks and underwear were all mixed up and nobody cared who got what pair back. That said, this is a different situation. |
Anonymous
1. Try a different therapist. 2. Is his ADHD medicated? |
Anonymous
| My brother did this as a teenager. I have no idea why, but now he is nearly 50, is happily married with 2 kids and has a great job and tons of friends, so even if he’s still interested in women’s lingerie it hasn’t negatively affected him. |
Anonymous
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Don't assume gender identity problems. It may very well be he just likes how the material feels.
Since you know it's him stealing the stuff, lock your underwear up. See what happens. I wouldn't punish him but I would lock the bedroom door. He probably knows it's stealing but in his mind he's just borrowing them. The reason you find them in his room. If he were hiding them you would not find them. Check out these stories. It's been going on since women started wearing slinky things. Doesn't mean he has gender problems. https://www.google.com/search?q=panty+stealing&rlz=1C1SQJL_enUS762US762&oq=panty+stealing&aqs=chrome..69i57.9678j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8 |
Anonymous
Agree with this 100% and disagree with those saying to go straight to a support group for trans kids. I also know a very much straight man who did this as a kid. Your son could just like how the materials feel or could be exploring his sexuality in general. |
Anonymous
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Gender dysphoria is a real mental illness and it's thoroughly documented and understood by scientists and doctors. This is a fact.
Since it's a mental illness it does not go away on it's own, it requires treatment. This is a fact. Nobody with a brain should be debating these facts. Here's where reasonable people will disagree. What should the treatment be. 1. Transitioning with hormones and surgery to affirm the patients gender 2. Therapy and counseling to repress the dysphoria 3. A medication which cures gender dysphoria and renders the patient comfortable with their gender Seeing as option 3 doesn't exist (no lithium and magnesium does not cure gender dysphoria) Your only options are 1 and 2 and the mainstream consensus from doctors and health professionals is that option 1 trends towards more positive outcomes for the patients mental and physical health. |