DS keeps taking my underwear
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Anonymous
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Please be kind.
DS, 12, keeps taking my underwear (and bras, and nightgowns, and bathing suits). Everything from the boring stuff I wear daily to the fancy stuff DH buys for me. Nothing seems to deter the boy. I just found more than a dozen items hidden in his room. Do other boys do this? If so, how do you deal with it? He's been punished/lost privileges as a result before, but he goes right back to stealing my stuff again. |
Anonymous
| Nope, not typical. My teen boys won't touch my stuff with someone else's hand. |
Anonymous
| Yep. Need some therapy. It could be he is dealing with some gender identity issues, and there can be healthy way you could help support that, but stealing another person's belongings is not healthy. |
Anonymous
| I’ll bite. So, what does he say when you discover them? |
Anonymous
| Just talk to him. Sit him down and say "you know what that yellow spot is?" He is, obviously, crying for help. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm very sensitive to this because my niece did this (when she was my nephew) and my sister-in-law thought it was a fetish thing but it turned out he was trying them on. And then a year later she came out as trans.
Don't ground your child. Sit down calmly and talk to your child about why this is happening and what you can do to talk through this together. (No right answer here, but this is likely happening because your child is questioning and wants you to notice and wants someone to talk it through with.) Hugs, OP. |
Anonymous
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My son did the same. He has gender identity issues. I hate having my things taken so I've helped him buy his own, which I, of course, pay for since he didn't have his own money. He has a therapist but I don't know if they discuss this. Also, he belongs to LGBTQ clubs in school. I am not a therapist and I am his mom. I'm here to talk, but more than likely, he's going to figure things out through a combination of experience, therapy, talking with his parents, talking with friends, dating, etc.
This really isn't an issue for punishment. I never punished my daughter for "borrowing" my jewelry, so I wasn't going to punish my son for "borrowing" my undergarments. If the only way that he can get them is to take them from you, then fix that. Let him explore and figure out who he is. You aren't going to punish away his sexual identity. |
Anonymous
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I'll give you that the advice might be helpful to some parents whose child may have gender identity issues. In our desire to help , we should still be wise.
For me the big clue, OP is not sincere is, he/she starts with a plea to be kind, and then details the items being stolen ( general descriptor of underwear would suffice), also refers to son as" the boy" emphasizing the youthfulness of the child, when it a legitimate plea for help would not be needed. Just my 2 cents. |
Anonymous
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If you are not a troll and want to retain a healthy relationship with your child and not undermine any trust he has in you: Buy him his own pretty underwear. Just get it and leave it in his room. Don't make it a bit thing. Find a support group of LGBTQ parents. Ask questions. LISTEN to the answers. Be ready to LISTEN to your child when he's ready to talk.
If you are not a troll and want to destroy your family and your child's sense of self-worth and security: Continue to punish and shame him. If you are a troll: Go play in traffic. |
Anonymous
In my opinion, no one should be taking things that don't belong to them without permission, jewelry, underwear etc. Stealing is stealing and boundaries are boundaries. Sharing underwear is unsanitary if he's curious about women's or girl;'s underwear purchase some for his own . |
Anonymous
| Buy him his own stuff. Give him some money and let him buy what he wants. |
Anonymous
He refuses to engage in discussions when asked about why he takes the stuff (he will get embarrassed and run to his room to hide), and therapy isn't a viable option right now. (He was seeing a therapist for ADHD issues, but we had to stop with teletherapy because he refused to talk, and would spend his time playing online video games on other web screens.) But it seems either he's masturbating or wearing the clothes. If the former, I guess that's typical for a boy his age, but does he really need my underwear to do it? If the latter, there are other issues at play, and I don't want to punish him for it -- I just want him to leave my stuff alone. So I guess the answer is to buy him his own bras and underwear so he can do whatever it is he is doing? |
Anonymous
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OP, when you have asked him why, what has he said?
I agree that he should probably talk with a counselor. Is there any reason for you to think he may be questioning his identity? I do know of one family where it had to do with inappropriate sexual ideation, but that may absolutely not be your situation. I think you should find a professional that he can talk to comfortably. |
Anonymous
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No, I'm sorry. I have two (older) teenage boys and nothing remotely like this has ever happened.
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Anonymous
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Why have you punished and not asked why?
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