Would you stay with emotionally abusive spouse in this case?

[Anonymous]

OP, first of all, having young kids is depressing. You not necessarily mentally ill - you are depressed because of your circumstances. Second of all, leaving under these circumstances probably wouldn't be best for any of you. My sister is in similar circumstances and what I have told her - you will leave, eventually. For now, you are in a relatively safe spot. Emotional abuse is tough but as you may recall "sticks and stones break your bones but names will never hurt" - of course it hurts but as long as he isn't physical, you can rise above his emotional abuse.

In the meantime, get yourself sorted out. Wait out the pandemic, find a new job, save some money. Hibernate. Spend a lot of time with your kids because working and being a single mom is tough on you and on them - you won't have the luxury of spending lots of time just playing. Take care of yourself. Baby yourself just like you would do if one of your kids was hurt or sick. And treat your husband as if he is not your husband but any business relationship. If a coworker is rude, you try to ignore them, right? If they don't pull their weight, you do extra. You don't have to hurt him because you are just letting him support you until you are ready. Ready to leave him.

[Anonymous]

I don’t mean to disparage your advice but please do not minimize or discount emotional abuse as “mean words”. It’s much more insidiously destructive - and real- with potentially devestating consequences.

-survivor

[Anonymous]

Move as slow or fast as you want. If you can use your phone to record him saying these awful things do it. Email it to a yourself and someone you trust. Then delete it from your phone.

[Anonymous]

Make a plan (don’t tell him) and execute. Make copies of your financial records, create a resume and get any kind of job. Even if your in remote area you can get jobs. For example, a friend does customer service for Delta from her home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, first of all, having young kids is depressing. You not necessarily mentally ill - you are depressed because of your circumstances. Second of all, leaving under these circumstances probably wouldn't be best for any of you. My sister is in similar circumstances and what I have told her - you will leave, eventually. For now, you are in a relatively safe spot. Emotional abuse is tough but as you may recall "sticks and stones break your bones but names will never hurt" - of course it hurts but as long as he isn't physical, you can rise above his emotional abuse.

In the meantime, get yourself sorted out. Wait out the pandemic, find a new job, save some money. Hibernate. Spend a lot of time with your kids because working and being a single mom is tough on you and on them - you won't have the luxury of spending lots of time just playing. Take care of yourself. Baby yourself just like you would do if one of your kids was hurt or sick. And treat your husband as if he is not your husband but any business relationship. If a coworker is rude, you try to ignore them, right? If they don't pull their weight, you do extra. You don't have to hurt him because you are just letting him support you until you are ready. Ready to leave him.

It would be best for OP to leave. Why would anyone recommend that you stay in a marriage with emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t mean to disparage your advice but please do not minimize or discount emotional abuse as “mean words”. It’s much more insidiously destructive - and real- with potentially devestating consequences.

-survivor

This. I had crippling anxiety and depression from emotional abuse. I told myself all day long that it was "just mean words", but that didn't stop the panic attacks.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation. My ex even tried to use the fact that I told anti-depression meds as a teen against me to gain custody. It doesn't work, and just makes them look bad. Judges have little tolerance for that kind of BS.

I was also depressed and felt like a failure. The only thing that fixed my depression was leaving. Amazing how much better you feel when you're not being abused by an a-hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, first of all, having young kids is depressing. You not necessarily mentally ill - you are depressed because of your circumstances. Second of all, leaving under these circumstances probably wouldn't be best for any of you. My sister is in similar circumstances and what I have told her - you will leave, eventually. For now, you are in a relatively safe spot. Emotional abuse is tough but as you may recall "sticks and stones break your bones but names will never hurt" - of course it hurts but as long as he isn't physical, you can rise above his emotional abuse.

In the meantime, get yourself sorted out. Wait out the pandemic, find a new job, save some money. Hibernate. Spend a lot of time with your kids because working and being a single mom is tough on you and on them - you won't have the luxury of spending lots of time just playing. Take care of yourself. Baby yourself just like you would do if one of your kids was hurt or sick. And treat your husband as if he is not your husband but any business relationship. If a coworker is rude, you try to ignore them, right? If they don't pull their weight, you do extra. You don't have to hurt him because you are just letting him support you until you are ready. Ready to leave him.

It would be best for OP to leave. Why would anyone recommend that you stay in a marriage with emotional abuse.

PP isn't recommending staying. PP is recommending OP use her husband as support while she gets into a place where she is ready to leave. Right now OP has no job and no money.

[Anonymous]

Pack up and go. Military? Controlling? No wonder you are ill!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is active duty military, then you have LOTS of resources available to you as a military spouse.

The first place I would go to is the chaplain's office. They CANNOT disclose anything you say to them in confidence and can offer you some guidance and POCs for resources. You don't have to be religious to take advantage of what the chaplain corps can offer you.

Next, remember that as a military spouse you get preference in hiring for Federal jobs. Even if it's an entry level clerical job you should take it. It will get you into the system and you will start growing your own retirement and will have your own health care.



If you get a job on a base (even as a civilian employee) you can still use the base child care services.

Second, as you probably already know, if you have been married at least 10 years you are automatically eligible for half of his retirement. Your children will continue to have medical and other benefits until they come of age.

Good luck. Military spouse life is not easy. All I can say is I have been where you are and so glad I got out. I developed my own Federal career and am so glad I jettisoned the selfish a-hole I was married to.

This.
Yes, start looking for a job,my agency has been hiring during the lockdown. Lots of folks retiring...gl
Try to stay healthy and keep doing your best one day at a time. It will pay off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, first of all, having young kids is depressing. You not necessarily mentally ill - you are depressed because of your circumstances. Second of all, leaving under these circumstances probably wouldn't be best for any of you. My sister is in similar circumstances and what I have told her - you will leave, eventually. For now, you are in a relatively safe spot. Emotional abuse is tough but as you may recall "sticks and stones break your bones but names will never hurt" - of course it hurts but as long as he isn't physical, you can rise above his emotional abuse.

In the meantime, get yourself sorted out. Wait out the pandemic, find a new job, save some money. Hibernate. Spend a lot of time with your kids because working and being a single mom is tough on you and on them - you won't have the luxury of spending lots of time just playing. Take care of yourself. Baby yourself just like you would do if one of your kids was hurt or sick. And treat your husband as if he is not your husband but any business relationship. If a coworker is rude, you try to ignore them, right? If they don't pull their weight, you do extra. You don't have to hurt him because you are just letting him support you until you are ready. Ready to leave him.

It would be best for OP to leave. Why would anyone recommend that you stay in a marriage with emotional abuse.

Because we're in the middle of a pandemic, unemployment is going through the roof, all the usual resources are unavailable. That's why.

If she can find a way to ignore him and focus on her kids for a few months that would be ideal. Stop talking about leaving. Get organized and wait until there's an actual opportunity to leave on her terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make a plan (don’t tell him) and execute. Make copies of your financial records, create a resume and get any kind of job. Even if your in remote area you can get jobs. For example, a friend does customer service for Delta from her home.

Yes try and get your independence from him. Getting a job is first and foremost so start there. Try to be positive and engage in activities taking you away from him when he's home from work. Certainly don't let on or let him think you would divorce him. If you have family you trust start taking stuff over there for the big move day. Or get a storage locker to start putting boxes in. This helps a lot to have a good part of your move already done. (less stress)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, first of all, having young kids is depressing. You not necessarily mentally ill - you are depressed because of your circumstances. Second of all, leaving under these circumstances probably wouldn't be best for any of you. My sister is in similar circumstances and what I have told her - you will leave, eventually. For now, you are in a relatively safe spot. Emotional abuse is tough but as you may recall "sticks and stones break your bones but names will never hurt" - of course it hurts but as long as he isn't physical, you can rise above his emotional abuse.

In the meantime, get yourself sorted out. Wait out the pandemic, find a new job, save some money. Hibernate. Spend a lot of time with your kids because working and being a single mom is tough on you and on them - you won't have the luxury of spending lots of time just playing. Take care of yourself. Baby yourself just like you would do if one of your kids was hurt or sick. And treat your husband as if he is not your husband but any business relationship. If a coworker is rude, you try to ignore them, right? If they don't pull their weight, you do extra. You don't have to hurt him because you are just letting him support you until you are ready. Ready to leave him.

It would be best for OP to leave. Why would anyone recommend that you stay in a marriage with emotional abuse.

Because we're in the middle of a pandemic, unemployment is going through the roof, all the usual resources are unavailable. That's why.

If she can find a way to ignore him and focus on her kids for a few months that would be ideal. Stop talking about leaving. Get organized and wait until there's an actual opportunity to leave on her terms.

That's the key, OP. Every abusive word or action, just keep this in mind. Make it a mantra. "I will leave when it's on my terms, not his." He's controlled enough. He won't control when you leave and under what circumstances. You're strong. You were strong enough to post this, you've been strong to seek help, even if it's not forthcoming right now, from various agencies. But it will come.

What state are you in? Maybe we can give you additional resources?

[Anonymous]

Fellow engineer here, op.
First, I’m sorry. It almost sounds like you weren’t trained if you will to be a wife and mother, meaning that when girls were encouraged to play with dolls or baby-sit you were doing other things. I can clearly remember cleaning my parents house solely so that my mom would take me to a model rocketry competition when I was about 12. Money didn’t motivate me, learning how to clean so I could one day keep house for a husband didn’t motivate me, seeing those rockets was all I wanted to do.

I knew that I wanted a husband because I like men, most of my friends were boys growing up, and I thought “What would be better then getting to hang out with a guy I like while also getting to have sex with him?” I knew I wanted children, but I truly thought I’d work and my kids would be in daycare, very much like the scenes from Apollo 13 where Dad flew cool stuff, you could tell he loved his kids and loved his wife, but he was getting to fly way cool planes and spacecraft. I saw no reason why girls couldn’t have the same kind of lifestyle that the boys had. In some ways, you sound a lot like me.


First, know that caring for someone who is depressed is mentally and physically draining. If your husband was a good guy before you married him, he’s probably a good guy now.

Second, are you seeing a counselor who is trained in the problem you’re trying to solve? I had some postpartum issues with my last baby, and my sister advised me to see a counselor who was a woman, who had children, who was married to a man (because the dynamics are different from same-sex couples) and who understood how an engineering brain works. If you are at all religious, you probably want someone with religious training. Make sure that you are seeing someone who is trained in the problem you are experiencing.

Secondly, do you know what you want to do? Do you want to be home? Do you live in an area where being home is attractive and fun? Are there wholesome things you can do with your kids that don’t cost a fortune? Is parking easy? Do you like the physical layout of your house? Do you like your neighborhood? All this things matter.

When I was working, we lived in an area that sucked for stay-at-home moms, and as a result there were very few. The ones that were there either went back to work or moved someplace else.

I don’t wonder that you are depressed now.

The good things about you are that if you want to stay home with your kids, you can learn to do it. It’s just like learning anything else. You don’t have to be the picture book mama, just love your kids and be yourself.

Learn from your kids and the other people around you, everybody is capable of good ideas. For example, I normally use disinfectant wipes for our counters, something I learned after seeing a friend do it. Obviously those wipes are difficult to come by now. I was worrying about what I’d do until this morning when the Wegman’s shopper delivered 7th generation spray, and I realized I could use that to clean the counters just as easily as I could the wipes. I’ve used 7th Generation on other things, but for whatever reason I didn’t think to keep a bottle by the sink. As lame as this example sounds, do stay open to new ideas.

Finally, I’d not think about leaving your marriage, not yet. Do give your husband a chance and do whatever you can to get healthy. Most men don’t “get” childcare and what women need to be successful at staying home. Learn from the men and treat staying home like a job which of course requires certain tools and processes to work just like your rockets and jet engines. You wouldn’t just set a rocket out on the pad unfueled with no support staff and say “good luck, hope you get to where I need you to go”.

If you want to go back to work, apply the same skills you used to get previous jobs. Know though that most of the childcare will fall to you, no matter how modern your husband says he is.

Finally, have your husband go with you to see your therapist so that the therapist can explain what your brain is doing. Tell him you don’t want him to do anything differently, just to understand what is happening in your brain. Remember, you married a man not a caretaker. Expect him to treasure you which is different from handling everything you don’t feel like doing. Listen to him about what he needs as well.

You can always end your marriage at any time, I just don’t think it’s healthy for anybody to stay while you plan to leave. Leave if you’d like, just don’t do the “I’m half into this marriage… until I’m not”. Nobody will be happy with that outcome.

[Anonymous]

Good luck OP