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[quote=Anonymous]Fellow engineer here, op. 
First, I’m sorry. It almost sounds like you weren’t trained if you will to be a wife and mother, meaning that when girls were encouraged to play with dolls or baby-sit you were doing other things.  I can clearly remember cleaning my parents house solely so that my mom would take me to a model rocketry competition when I was about 12.  Money didn’t motivate me, learning how to clean so I could one day keep house for a husband didn’t motivate me, seeing those rockets was all I wanted to do.

I knew that I wanted a husband because I like men, most of my friends were boys growing up, and I thought “What would be better then getting to hang out with a guy I like while also getting to have sex with him?”  I knew I wanted children, but I truly thought I’d work and my kids would be in daycare, very much like the scenes from Apollo 13 where Dad flew cool stuff, you could tell he loved his kids and loved his wife, but he was getting to fly way cool planes and spacecraft.  I saw no reason why girls couldn’t have the same kind of lifestyle that the boys had.  In some ways, you sound a lot like me.

First, know that caring for someone who is depressed is mentally and physically draining.  If your husband was a good guy before you married him, he’s probably a good guy now.

Second, are you seeing a counselor who is trained in the problem you’re trying to solve?  I had some postpartum issues with my last baby, and my sister advised me to see a counselor who was a woman, who had children, who was married to a man (because the dynamics are different from same-sex couples) and who understood how an engineering brain works.  If you are at all religious, you probably want someone with religious training. Make sure that you are seeing someone who is trained in the problem you are experiencing.

Secondly, do you know what you want to do? Do you want to be home?  Do you live in an area where being home is attractive and fun?  Are there wholesome things you can do with your kids that don’t cost a fortune?  Is parking easy?  Do you like the physical layout of your house?  Do you like your neighborhood? All this things matter.

When I was working, we lived in an area that sucked for stay-at-home moms, and as a result there were very few.  The ones that were there either went back to work or moved someplace else.

I don’t wonder that you are depressed now.

The good things about you are that if you want to stay home with your kids, you can learn to do it.  It’s just like learning anything else.  You don’t have to be the picture book mama, just love your kids and be yourself.

Learn from your kids and the other people around you, everybody is capable of good ideas.  For example, I normally use disinfectant wipes for our counters, something I learned after seeing a friend do it.  Obviously those wipes are difficult to come by now.  I was worrying about what I’d do until this morning when the Wegman’s shopper delivered 7th generation spray, and I realized I could use that to clean the counters just as easily as I could the wipes.  I’ve used 7th Generation on other things, but for whatever reason I didn’t think to keep a bottle by the sink.  As lame as this example sounds, do stay open to new ideas.

Finally, I’d not think about leaving your marriage, not yet. Do give your husband a chance and do whatever you can to get healthy.  Most men don’t “get” childcare and what women need to be successful at staying home. Learn from the men and treat staying home like a job which of course requires certain tools and processes to work just like your rockets and jet engines. You wouldn’t just set a rocket out on the pad unfueled with no support staff and say “good luck, hope you get to where I need you to go”.

If you want to go back to work, apply the same skills you used to get previous jobs.  Know though that most of the childcare will fall to you, no matter how modern your husband says he is.

Finally, have your husband go with you to see your therapist so that the therapist can explain what your brain is doing.  Tell him you don’t want him to do anything differently, just to understand what is happening in your brain. Remember, you married a man not a caretaker. Expect him to treasure you which is different from handling everything you don’t feel like doing.  Listen to him about what he needs as well.

You can always end your marriage at any time, I just don’t think it’s healthy for anybody to stay while you plan to leave. Leave if you’d like, just don’t do the “I’m half into this marriage… until I’m not”.  Nobody will be happy with that outcome.   [/quote]

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