Would you stay with emotionally abusive spouse in this case?
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Anonymous
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Married 13 years, two kids, 2 and 4. I had a hard time adjusting to marriage, now I'm having a hard time adjusting to job loss and becoming a SAHM. I am severely depressed over losing my job and on meds/in therapy. I'm trying, but I'm a failure as a wife and mother.
Husband has been emotionally abusive since the honeymoon. I won't give examples, only will say it took me a long time to accept it. It's unlikely I'll find another job right now, and DH has threatened to ask for full custody if I leave. Mentally ill, unemployed mother - yeah, he'll get it. Would you stay? I'll never see the kids again if I leave, but I'm at the end of my rope. |
Anonymous
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He’s not gonna get full custody. I was in a similar position as you and it was 50/50, despite my ex trying to use unemployment and meds against me.
What are your marketable skills? |
Anonymous
| I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. He won’t get full custody; don’t believe his threats. |
Anonymous
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Sending you some love OP. Many people are currently jobless. I don’t think a judge would hold that against you. Also, there is nothing wrong with getting treatment for your mental health.
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Anonymous
I have some really long-term niche engineering skills that don't translate well into anything else (exotic materials, basically, think rockets and jet engines). Have been looking for backup jobs since the pandemic started - nothing. I know grocery stores are hiring, but I can barely move off the couch. I know. Do what needs to be done. But it feeds into his narrative. I also had postpartum OCD with my youngest, and DH knows I was afraid of hurting the baby. It's classic OCD, but he's said he'll use it to prove the kids are in danger. |
Anonymous
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If he stayed with you and left you alone with the kids he was not worried about their welfare if he had actual concerns for your health. Record him threatening you then file.
Similar circumstances and I have primary physical custody. He won’t fool them for long. You can do this. |
Anonymous
| Please reach out to an abuse hotline and an attorney to determine your choiceS. Your abusive DH isn’t an attorney or judge. Good luck OP and take care of yourself. |
Anonymous
| He isn’t going to get full custody. He leaves the kids alone with you...correct? No Judge is then going to buy any story your unfit to care for them. In addition to the abuse hotline, call a lawyer regarding your rights and steps to take to divorce him and keep at least 50% custody. Also, fix up your resume and think about a class or two to update your original skills. Since all classes are online it might be fairly easy to do |
Anonymous
| Yes, he leaves me alone with them, sometimes for months at a time (military). |
Anonymous
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If he is active duty military, then you have LOTS of resources available to you as a military spouse.
The first place I would go to is the chaplain's office. They CANNOT disclose anything you say to them in confidence and can offer you some guidance and POCs for resources. You don't have to be religious to take advantage of what the chaplain corps can offer you. Next, remember that as a military spouse you get preference in hiring for Federal jobs. Even if it's an entry level clerical job you should take it. It will get you into the system and you will start growing your own retirement and will have your own health care. If you get a job on a base (even as a civilian employee) you can still use the base child care services. Second, as you probably already know, if you have been married at least 10 years you are automatically eligible for half of his retirement. Your children will continue to have medical and other benefits until they come of age. Good luck. Military spouse life is not easy. All I can say is I have been where you are and so glad I got out. I developed my own Federal career and am so glad I jettisoned the selfish a-hole I was married to. |
Anonymous
| You don't need to do everything at once. People above listed a lot of good resources. Please pick one resource and reach out this week. Your life can be better and you will have your kids, you just need to do one thing at a time to get there. |
Anonymous
I bolded the most important comment. My husband accused me of abusing my youngest to our marriage counselor, but the marriage counselor immediately asked him where our youngest was. When my husband said "home with my wife", he told me he immediately questioned his story. When my husband found another counselor who DID believe it, SS did indeed visit my home, talk to my kids and me, but instead of the response my husband expected (i.e. that I would get into trouble), she asked me if *I* was being abused and did I want to leave with the kids. They see through it - trust me. |
Anonymous
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I've been trying to get in with a chaplain, but they're not seeing anyone right now. Legal assistance isn't either. Fail on them.
No federal jobs were we are (left DC last year). I guess that's my other concern - I'd have to go out of state to find work. DH has already called me a whole bunch of names and said he won't let me leave with the kids, because he knows I'm trying to hurt him by doing it. I just want a job, some purpose... And yes, I pointed out he leaves the kids with me. He said it was a mistake, and it'll never happen again. I'm going to start making some calls, though. |
Anonymous
He sounds like a cruel bastard, OP. Incredibly sorry you've been going through this for years. All the PPs are correct- no way he'll get the kids. |
Anonymous
| Don’t tell him anything. Don’t try to reason don’t try to threaten. You only show him your hand. |