Losing my mind during daily check-ins with parent
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Anonymous
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Oh I hear you. I visit my mom every day and we go out for a walk (keeping 6 feet apart and I wear a mask). My Mom has always had a fear of germs and it was grating on me for years. Almost every night at 6:00 when she prepared dinner she would call for reassurance that she hadn't done something wrong while cooking and that the meal would be safe for her and my Dad to eat. I've always been patient with her and calmly answer her questions and give her the best guidance I can - i understand that her fear of germs is something she cant help.
Well, the coronavirus has elevated her anxiety a million times. Maybe a billion times. She is terrified of everything. If someone comes within 6 feet of us (which happens maybe once a day - we walk in her neighborhood in the middle of the street) she gets panicked and starts to worry that maybe the person breathed on her and on and on and on. I think getting out and walking is good for her - she likes the exercise and as the weather gets nicer, I think the vitamin D and fresh air will help her get through this. OP, I don't have any real advice for you, just solidarity. It is very hard trying to allay your mom's fears. Do your best to be a calming presence to her and remind her how much you love her. And I agree with you that we are both lucky that our mom's are alive and we have the chance to talk with them or spend time with them. |
Anonymous
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Why the hell are you talking to her twice a day?! Holy shit that's way too often! Call her once or twice a week.
WTF do you need to call her twice a day for? |
Anonymous
NP, but I am calling my parents daily to check in on them specifically due to Covid-19. They are mid 70s, and my mom has multiple health conditions that put her at an even higher risk. |
Anonymous
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She's old, OP, and probably doesn't have a lot going on. Let her talk, but like others have mentioned, you don't have to be tuned-in. Multi-task, turn down the volume, and fake active listening...
Uh-huh That sounds really stressful What else did they say How do you feel about that |
Anonymous
| I’m in the same boat but only calling 1x/day. Her short-term memory problems mean we rehash the same covid discussion about 4 times in a 15 minute period. |
Anonymous
| The puzzle idea made me laugh. My mom can talk for a long time about the latest puzzle she did! Maybe I should try too. |
Anonymous
| You are better than 99% of women on DCUM. I give you credit for trying. |
Anonymous
| My husband’s trick to get someone off a topic is to get them reminiscing. (He’s a super nostalgic person.). So if his mom starts talking about Trump, he’ll segue to, “do you remember the hardware store in town when we were kids? Did they used to give out popcorn? Did we play with the owners’ kids?” And then he’ll move on to, “I was trying to remember that driving trip we took to florida—did we have the station wagon, and how did we all fit?” Sometimes he’ll do more general nostalgia topics like “didn’t gum used to come in different flavors, like licorice?” Or he loves to ask about how certain products/stores got their names. Now, as someone who didn’t grow up where he did, and is less interested in his family’s minutia, I sometimes find these conversations boring. But still better than Trump or Coronavirus. |
Anonymous
| My mom is like this. I don’t call quite so often and only call while I am doing something to be productive. I call while folding wash, cleaning the kitchen or changing the bed sheets. |
Anonymous
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Can she text?
My mom and I mostly do text. |
Anonymous
But if your mom is quarantining, she's fine in terms of the virus. Her only issue is her "pre-existing" health conditions. |
Anonymous
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Does she text? We have a big family group chat with my siblings parents and aunt. Everyone replies to everyone. It’s just as much so the older relatives now at home have some people to talk to and they like to text.
I call my mom once per day. Sometimes it’s 5 min and sometimes it’s longer. My father rarely talks on the phone but he texts the most frequently. My aunt rarely replies to the texts but when I talk to her she says she reads all of them. If your mom has an iPhone, would she be interested in game pigeon? My father also likes to play these games. It’s something else to do besides just talking about the same things. |
Anonymous
And can she not call you if she’s not feeling well? |
Anonymous
This x 1,000. It’s not working because there is nothing to talk about. Your mom is an adult and, as far as you know, can find ways to care for herself and fill her time. Come up with a plan so she can let you know easily if she’s doing poorly. Twice-daily check-ins are a recipe for crazy making. When you do talk, have something to talk about. Share a favorite new recipe. Email or text her a funny video or a beautiful photograph. Have a game that you can play long distance —it could be online, a voice-only thing, or by video conference. Collaborate together to write letters to relatives. We’re all burnt out on the news, so find creative ways to get away from it. |
Anonymous
| Call once or twice a week. |