Losing my mind during daily check-ins with parent
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Anonymous
| Long story short, I’m calling to check in on my mom twice a day. Of course she’s bored and scared like the rest of us, but like the rest of us, there isn’t anything to really talk about. I give my mom 15 minutes each call, but I’m finding that I’m starting to become annoyed and short with her during these calls. We rehash and rehash the latest Coronavirus news, it’s all she wants/there is to talk about. If I try to mention the kids, she brings it back to discussing the virus. Everything comes back to talking about dread and despair. I can’t keep doing this, but she won’t stop talking about it and I’m starting to resent these calls. (And yes, I do realize I’m lucky my mom is still around to talk about Covid-19 with me.) Any advice? |
Anonymous
| Why don't you just tell her straight up = I can't talk about it all the time, i want to call so let's talk about other thngs. You need to be more direct. |
Anonymous
| Do you have any siblings to share the load? |
Anonymous
It’s just me. |
Anonymous
|
I'd let her talk, let her know when the 15 min are up.
I have a friend with long term mental health issues who is currently living in a supervised setting. Normally she would be able to go out on her own to shop or whatever but the setting has totally clamped down on that, can only go out to appts and with an escort if any shopping to be done. For years she has fixated on the idea of getting DOJ action on a collection of people and entities (she used to actually worked on stuff in this area before her MH issues got the best of her so she quotes US code and EOs chapter and verse constantly). This gets MUCH worse when she is living under supervision and cooped up. There's zero traction in trying to inject some reality into the conversation and I am to the point where I put the phone on speaker, turn the volume down so I can just hear her, pick up periodically to touch on something more normal (she'll turn it back pretty quickly) and let her know when time is up. I can't change what she wants to talk about but she has very few bridges left to other people. |
Anonymous
| Do you know anyone else who might talk with her? Like many of us, your Mom may be feeling isolated and afraid, and watching the news is probably not helping. I call a friend’s elderly Mom pretty regularly - and both my friend and her Mom have enjoyed and appreciated this. I totally get where you’re coming from! It might help all the way around if your Mom felt she had more resources. I don’t know if this still exists but Sibley Hospital used to have a program where volunteers would call seniors who signed up for their program. I think the calls were weekly, and they may have also sent birthday cards. Nothing was face to face - but it was a great resource! |
Anonymous
|
You don’t need to call so often, OP!
Call every 3 days. I call my mother every two days, but that’s because we talk about the kids and lots of different subjects. |
Anonymous
| I just bought a 1,000 piece puzzle and when I make my daily 20 minute call to my mom I work on the puzzle as she drones on about Trump and the coronovirus. She has some short term memory issues so tends to repeat comments or stories she just said 5 minutes before. Now I say " uh-um , really?, wow" every few seconds as I work in the puzzle. It is making the calls much more pleasant for me as well as my mom because I amore patient. I even called her twice yesterday because I felt like working on the puzzle again. |
Anonymous
 Great tip!
I walk around with the phone tucked under my ear, doing dishes, laundry, typing emails. Thank goodness she's getting a little deaf. |
Anonymous
| Stop calling so much. If you are getting resentful and she is getting worked up your calls are causing more harm than good. Call less and just be positive. Try to change the subject. If she can't, give her 5 minutes of obsessing and then politely make an excuse to get off the phone. Otherwise you are enabling her to be miserable. |
Anonymous
| I would let her talk and you be productive (clean, whatever). |
Anonymous
| Also, try email. When my mother gets too obsessive I just email. Keep is positive and light. Ignore any obsessing by her and just say "I am so glad you are well!" when you respond. Don't reinforce things that are not good for her health. Just show you care in whatever way does not drive you both crazy. Enough with the every day stuff though. |
Anonymous
PP. My own narcissistic mom complains that my my siblings call her: while walking (lives at the beach), while commuting and complains when I unload and reload my dishwasher. I can’t win. Just saying. She drives the conversation; I can’t get a word in edgewise. DH can’t tell if I’m on a work conference call or talking to my mom - long periods of listening to someone talk or blather on with only an occasional “right/yes/I’m still here/ok/sure” |
Anonymous
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You’re calling her this often because of coronavirus. Why would you expect her to be able to talk about anything else?
Get earbuds, take it down to 10”, do a puzzle, and declare a topic for evening on the AM calls. |
Anonymous
| I'm in your boat, OP. I do twice daily check-ins with my folks and a great-aunt. I love the suggestion you got above about the puzzle. Mine is a little different. Ask your mom questions about her childhood to get her to talk about something else. I make up reasons to ask questions all the time. "I got an email today from someone named Marty and it reminded me of Uncle Marty. How did he get his name? No one else in the family is named Marty." "Easter is coming up. Remember the time when we were kids and you made the lamb cake? How did you do that?" "My dishwasher is abut to conk out. It is my lifeline. How did you raise a family without a dishwasher?" |