Please tell me I’m doing the right thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a guy I agree your doing the right thing for both yourself and child. My big question is why in the world you married him in the first place let alone had a child. His past untreated mental health issues should have been a pair of waving red flags.

Please, let’s not blame the victim of domestic violence for the domestic violence, OK? The entire reason people get into DV situations is the the abuser is nice in the beginning and the abuse escalates over time with intermittent good periods and apologies and promises of reform. OP should be applauded for recognizing the abuse and recognizing she has to leave.

OP, I agree with others that it is best to leave before you child has any memory of the abuse. As you can see, both emotional or physical abuse leave serious long term affects. Get out now, get as much physical and legal custody as you can.

The truth is that having a child sometimes triggers a mental health breakdown or worsens abuse or alcoholism. In your case, your DH’s history of familial abuse is probably affecting him more prominently now that he is a father.

FWIW, while you aren’t responsible for the abuse, you really need to better manage your emotions. Frequent fighting and throwing things (even pillows) isn’t healthy communication. Please see a therapist who specializes in DV - you and your baby will need the support.

Good for you for recognizing this is wrong and gettting out!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy I agree your doing the right thing for both yourself and child. My big question is why in the world you married him in the first place let alone had a child. His past untreated mental health issues should have been a pair of waving red flags.

Please, let’s not blame the victim of domestic violence for the domestic violence, OK? The entire reason people get into DV situations is the the abuser is nice in the beginning and the abuse escalates over time with intermittent good periods and apologies and promises of reform. OP should be applauded for recognizing the abuse and recognizing she has to leave.

OP, I agree with others that it is best to leave before you child has any memory of the abuse. As you can see, both emotional or physical abuse leave serious long term affects. Get out now, get as much physical and legal custody as you can.

The truth is that having a child sometimes triggers a mental health breakdown or worsens abuse or alcoholism. In your case, your DH’s history of familial abuse is probably affecting him more prominently now that he is a father.

FWIW, while you aren’t responsible for the abuse, you really need to better manage your emotions. Frequent fighting and throwing things (even pillows) isn’t healthy communication. Please see a therapist who specializes in DV - you and your baby will need the support.

Good for you for recognizing this is wrong and gettting out!!

Thank you, OP here. FYI I wasn’t the one that posted throwing pillows. I’m super cognizant about how I behave or say in front of the baby.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you’ve gotten good advice here but I would add that as you prepare to leave/when you leave you need to take care to have people nearby you can trust and lean on, and a safe place you will be going because even though you say he’s never been physically violent, it’s possible his behavior could escalate when you announce you are leaving.

[Anonymous]

OP its good you're here and its good you're thinking leaving is the option for you and your child. It is.
Find out what you need to do legally in a quiet way, get all your ducks in line so that you can walk out with the child and avoid confrontation and abuse.

God speed.

[Anonymous]

My parents split up when I was a young toddler and my dad had untreated ADHD. I’m lucky that his second and third wives were lovely people. But if you divorce you have to trust him to go pick out good stepmoms because that is what’s next.

[Anonymous]

So sorry. You're doing the right thing for all the reasons others stated. The two that would be important to me are his decision for no custody. Putting a cigarette in baby's hand and taking pics, drinking while caring for baby, screaming and throwing things are terrible. Add to this that he comes from an abusive background.

You don't want the pattern to repeat in child. If you continue to expose baby to this you're setting yourself up for a long and difficult journey as a new mom. Who knows if there's mental illness on husband's side.

Trust your gut. Take advantage of no custody and get a lawyer now. You will control visitation as you see fit and only after he treats his ADD and rehabs the alcohol addiction (he's a bad drunk, OP). Make this part legal and you won't need to worry about your kids safety or a stepmom.

Wishing you peace soon.

[Anonymous]

Leave now. 0-3 is a critical, critical period for a person's development. Later your child may not actually remember specific memories of how you're treated by DH, but your baby is absorbing this every single time, and will affect how your baby's brain is wired.

[Anonymous]

It is great that he would not fight for physical custody. Leave now.

[Anonymous]

It worries me that you don’t see him as an alcoholic. Please get out and find a therapist to help you see this relationship from the outside. As others have said, especially now when he doesn’t want custody. Be careful, but go.

[Anonymous]

One day he will treat you son the way he treats you. That should be enough to get you to leave.

It’s very tough for a son not to know his dad. I would continue to tell him to get help.

Do you have family support nearby? Single motherhood is tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry. You're doing the right thing for all the reasons others stated. The two that would be important to me are his decision for no custody. Putting a cigarette in baby's hand and taking pics, drinking while caring for baby, screaming and throwing things are terrible. Add to this that he comes from an abusive background.

You don't want the pattern to repeat in child. If you continue to expose baby to this you're setting yourself up for a long and difficult journey as a new mom. Who knows if there's mental illness on husband's side.

Trust your gut. Take advantage of no custody and get a lawyer now. You will control visitation as you see fit and only after he treats his ADD and rehabs the alcohol addiction (he's a bad drunk, OP). Make this part legal and you won't need to worry about your kids safety or a stepmom.

Wishing you peace soon.

This.

[Anonymous]

Omg. Op do not stay!! Take your baby and GTFO. You are so lucky he doesn’t want custody.

[Anonymous]

Based on my best friend's experience with a similar situation, I'd say leave now and don't look back. Her ex is very mentally ill and also is an alcoholic and has made her and her kids' lives absolute hell. Lots of emotional and verbal abuse, calls them all sorts of slurs and names. I'm sorry- I hope you can protect yourself and your son.

[Anonymous]

Just be careful OP. Handle this smartly -- and secretly -- as best you can. Get your ducks in a row before telling him you are leaving (and do whatever you can to keep you and baby safe in the meantime). He *is* abusive even though he hasn't hit you, and when the abused partner is leaving is the most dangerous time for people in domestic violence situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One day he will treat you son the way he treats you. That should be enough to get you to leave.

It’s very tough for a son not to know his dad. I would continue to tell him to get help.

Do you have family support nearby? Single motherhood is tough.

Yep, when I realized that my husband will treat our son the same way, that was the absolute turning point.

I have very supportive parents, I’ll be moving in with them until the divorce is final so I can blow my income on a divorce attorney and not worry about living expenses. I understand single mommyhood is tough, but I feel like one now- and it’ll be easier not having to take care and worry about a “grown” man.