Please tell me I’m doing the right thing

[Anonymous]

Please tell me I’m doing the right thing

I am 35(f), husband is the same age. Been together for 8 years, married for 4 years and we have a 7 month old, who’s been the easiest baby since the day his birth. Ever since he was born, things have REALLY escalated between us, to depths I never thought possible, and he has resorted to verbal abuse (calling me names, f*ck you, go die, giving me the finger, etc), emotional abuse (gaslighting, blocking me on his phone), and lying, especially about alcohol- it’s where most of our fights stem from. It’s daily (the fighting, not the drinking. He’s not an alcoholic but has a terrible relationship with alcohol. It got a lot better when I was pregnant but he started drinking again and I’ve caught him drinking behind my back and trying to watch our baby with no other adult in the house). And then a few hours later it’s like nothing’s happened. He’ll ask what I want to watch on Netflix or want to talk current events. The worst is, he’ll yell at me in front of the baby after I tell him it is absolutely unacceptable. Ill add that husband has severe ADD that he never got treated for and was also severely psychologically abused by his father as well as some physical growing up...like call CPS kind of level. On the surface you’d never tell, but I know deep down inside he has severe self esteem issues and unresolved pain. I have begged him for years to go to therapy for this, but he refuses.

I’m certain I’m done and so is he (tbh, I don’t think he expected fatherhood to be what he thought it was, and he’s just too immature- I caught him putting a cigarette in the baby’s hand and taking pics and thinking it was so funny- I was mortified, and he was pissed I was). The asshole doesn’t even want physical custody of him at all...and in some ways, thank god for that. I don’t know what he’d call me to his son behind closed doors.

At the same time, as crazy as it sounds, I look at the future and wonder if I should stay for a little longer. I do still feel guilty on occasion for “breaking up a family,” I wonder how my heart will break when my son asks why other homes have daddies and ours dont. I wonder if my son will ask why I couldn’t stay with him for just a little longer in the future, that I was too hasty. Or perhaps this is just the abuse cycle. Sometimes I rationalize and say, I’ll wait til he’s a year or two, but then he’ll go off on a rampage and I wish I could just take my son and run away in that moment and be gone forever.

No physical abuse, and he’s never been violent or shown any signs of violence like throwing things.

Please tell me I’m doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Why did you gave a baby with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you gave a baby with him?

Have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you gave a baby with him?

While I think this question is pointless now, things were never heated to this point. We’ve had our fair share of fights but if you told me my house would look like what it does now, I would have laughed in your face. I do wonder if having a baby has triggered something in him from his past.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know... things seem really bad, but the worst time in my marriage was the first year after our first was born. We had horrible fights and I threw pillows at him more than once. This 7 years ago and we have had 2 more kids and things are really good. We still fight on occasion, but it’s rare and much much less dramatic. We never considered breaking up, but we did consider therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you gave a baby with him?

This is not helpful, and you know it.

OP, I think you are doing the right thing, for you and that baby. Your DH is not going to change his abusive ways, and if you stay, even if just a little bit longer, you'll just put yourself and your baby through more abuse.
If you had said your DH has begged you not to leave, that he promises to see therapy, I'd say maybe only for a little, but even then if urge you to leave.

Leave now, and good luck.

[Anonymous]

Abuse, Addiction, Adultery = Divorce

(If .. If .. he were to really change, you could always get remarried)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Abuse, Addiction, Adultery = Divorce

(If .. If .. he were to really change, you could always get remarried)

Doubtful. He’s actually never lived alone before and is terrible with housework(aka never) and responsibilities (ADD) so this will either bring him to the ground or give him a rude awakening.

[Anonymous]

Breaking up a reasonably happy family (or at least one that isn’t unhappy) is sad, but breaking up a dysfunctional, miserable household is not. If you split while your son is an infant, he won’t know anything different. As long as Dad is part of his life, he won’t be asking why he doesn’t have a dad. I think you should have a trial separation. It may be the “rock bottom” that your husband needs to hit in order to realize how messed up his life is and get help. He may be overly stressed during the infant stage, but do much better with the toddler stage. You don’t need to make any permanent decisions right away, but you do need to take some sort of action now because the way your family is currently living is unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you gave a baby with him?

While I think this question is pointless now, things were never heated to this point. We’ve had our fair share of fights but if you told me my house would look like what it does now, I would have laughed in your face. I do wonder if having a baby has triggered something in him from his past.

It actually isn’t pointless. You need to reflect on the full relationship to understand how to move forward.

[Anonymous]

You are absolutely doing the right thing. It's much better to go when your child is very young. Once he gets even a little older, he's going to be profoundly emotionally attached and the separation - especially since your STBXH wants no custody - will be very painful for him. Not to mention, try explaining to a 2yo why daddy isn't there anymore. Yikes! Staying will only hurt your child more.

I am not one to encourage people to end their marriages, and am staying in my own mediocre one for the kids, but there are lines that your husband has crossed, OP, that just can't be fixed.

Your only question is when to do it that it will hurt your child least to do it. And the answer to that is now.

I'm very sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you gave a baby with him?

This is not helpful, and you know it.

OP, I think you are doing the right thing, for you and that baby. Your DH is not going to change his abusive ways, and if you stay, even if just a little bit longer, you'll just put yourself and your baby through more abuse.
If you had said your DH has begged you not to leave, that he promises to see therapy, I'd say maybe only for a little, but even then if urge you to leave.

Leave now, and good luck.

PP’s question may not be helpful to OP but perhaps it will be to others. People bring so much needless misery on themselves through poor judgement and poor decision making skills. Let her story be a cautionary tale to others.

[Anonymous]

Holy shit. I’m so sorry. You are absolutely doing the right thing. Your baby will not remember and please get him out of that toxic environment!

[Anonymous]

OP, leave now before your baby knows what’s going on and during this window when he says he doesn’t want custody. I’m 6 yearsin to a similar situation (less overt verbal abuse but lots of derision and silent treatment) and DH would want 50% custody. I can’t leave the child alone with his moods but every day is eggshells and tension and just awful. Our child is attached to him in the unhealthy way of a child emotionally chasing an emotionally remote parent and a split will be so painful now. If I could turn back time I would have but the bullet back then.

[Anonymous]

As a guy I agree your doing the right thing for both yourself and child. My big question is why in the world you married him in the first place let alone had a child. His past untreated mental health issues should have been a pair of waving red flags.