I can’t believe I’m about to put an ad on care.com

[Anonymous]

My DH is a super involved, devoted father. Honestly, he loves just being with and taking care of the kids more than I do. But, when they were both little, he had a hard time handling both at the same time. He was get so discombobulated, then mad at me for him having to do it. It really surprised me. He was always great with just one from the very day they were born, but two just undid him.

Anyway, they are older now and I had forgotten all about it until your post. It lasted for a couple of years then got better. So, OP, hang in there. Don’t assume it will always be this way.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you are being too harsh.

He knows his limits and you seem to be able to afford help. And you are prioritizing you being able to go out.

There isn’t a problem, other than you think things should be different.

Also, these are tough ages. My kids are similar and when my husband travels I ask a friend to come over to help. I’ve considered adding paid help as well.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PPs. That's a hard age and alot of parents have a hard time with it. Support each other, this time passes quickly.

[Anonymous]

And I assume when he wants to go out, he'll arrange a sitter to fill in for him and help you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well that’s kinda crazy. What’s wrong with him? How old are the kids?

Not quite 4 months and 2.5 years

Kids that close in age can be a marriage breaker. Ask me how I know...I mean, my DH was involved and we were at each other's throats. Someone that works with me occasionally thanks me every time she sees me, because I baldly shared how hard it was to have kids that close together, and how I literally could.not.stand my DH during that time period.

But...

This really isn't that different than having a mother's helper. Just do it. He's not capable of doing this for whatever reason. It would be helpful if he would just admit to that, but he probably will not. This will pass. You will not have to do this forever.

[Anonymous]

When our kids were that little we generally tried not to leave one parent with both of them, particularly in the dinner to bedtime stretch. Why? Because it sucks. They are 2.5 and 5 now and it's much easier.

[Anonymous]

Do not do this!! You are opening your husband up to allegations. My husband won't even drive a babysitter home. Too much to lose.

[Anonymous]

You are insanely stupid. Your HUSBAND - their FATHER is incapable of caring for his own children and you think that is acceptable? Why even make babies with him? WTF is wrong with both of you?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s that bad. I mean, your youngest is a baby. We have 3, the youngest is a baby, and we try not to leave each other to do bedtime solo, if at all possible. When DH works late we ask my mom to come help out, and occasionally we’ve had our regular sitter come to be an extra set of hands.

If DH still needs this help when your youngest is 1.5-2, I’d be concerned. But at this age, he wants a mother’s helper, and I don’t see anything wrong with that (as long as you get one too if you want it).

[Anonymous]

Is your 3 month old a tough baby? Because mine was. Had a 21 month age gap and I absolutely hired a temp nanny for help when my husband traveled when I was on mat leave. Baby would only nap being held and new 2 yr old did not understand concept of staying in another room. Not to mention impossible simultaneous bedtime.

Sure he’d survive but if you have the funds why not? If your kids were like 3 and 5 I might think it was a little silly but they are still so young.

[Anonymous]

If you can afford the help why not? Those are hard ages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not do this!! You are opening your husband up to allegations. My husband won't even drive a babysitter home. Too much to lose.

Paranoia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When our kids were that little we generally tried not to leave one parent with both of them, particularly in the dinner to bedtime stretch. Why? Because it sucks. They are 2.5 and 5 now and it's much easier.

Ditto. I guess I’m like your DH. I would not want to do solo parenting for two kids very frequently. If we didn’t have family around I would hire a mother’s helper for sure. The more the merrier when dealing with toddlers and babies.

[Anonymous]

I'm a dad. When our twins were born, I had a lot more childcare experience than my wife did. I was a babysitter of ages 18 months and up throughout high school (I sat for several different families and at least once/week). I also have been around kids including infants a lot over my life. My wife had never solo cared for a child in her life. Two at once is challenging, especially when you are inexperienced with child care. I remember both the NICU nurses and I helped my wife through the early years and I did more of the infant care than she did.

So I understand OP's husband's issues. And I understand why he wants help for those times. The place I disagree is that OP should not be the one to be putting the listing up or taking care of finding help. OP's husband is the one that needs the help, so he should be placing the ad and interviewing candidates. He's the one who should know what he needs help with. And to keep him from dragging his heels, OP should schedule something, like maybe an outing with friends on a Saturday a few weeks out and put it on the calendar and make sure her husband knows when it is so that he knows when he needs to have help in place. The longer he delays, the more likely he'll end up doing it all alone when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

boys don't generally get a lot of childcare experience before becoming a parent, whereas many (maybe most?) girls have at least some teenage babysitting experience to draw from. The men are getting a baptism by fire, so I can understand why it's so overwhelming. Add a nitpicking wife (not saying that's you) who's always telling him he's doing it wrong and you've created man who doesn't feel confident being alone with the kids.