Solutions for adult ADHD Dh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of these seem like a big deal honestly. I understand that you’re super type A and it bothers you, but maybe just don’t sweat the small stuff.

OP here. It is a pretty big deal actually. Not showing up with the right tux accessories means we have to spend half a vacation day at a crummy tux rental store instead of doing planned activities. I am laid back and don't want to nag DH. I feel like more and more things are falling through the cracks or winding up on my shoulders. His job isn't stressful and it's probably less stress than my job (I make more money too with less hours).

He's very much against medications and thinks ADHD is bogus

You need to let him fail and experience the consequences. Plan less activities, and plan things you can do without him.

The problem with ADHD is that experiencing failure doesn’t really help. XDH has ADHD (and was medicated) and really regretted some of his own failures. But often people with ADHD get defensive or passive-aggressive about the failures (why are you worked up about spending our vacation in the tux rental shop?). Another problem is that the very nature of ADHD is that there will always be new, very different failures—he can’t control it even if he wants to control it.

For OP’s DH, though, a few major failures on things that are personally important to him (hobby, work) might motivate him to start meds. Not you complaining on a tux shop, though—in his mind that’s your problem not his.

[Anonymous]

I feel this, OP. We have lost so much time and money managing the consequences of my (also otherwise successful) DH's ADHD. It is coming to a bigger head now that we have a tween with ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he bothered by the lost and forgotten items or only you? If he wants to improve, he must make a pack list (you can check it). He will also have to recheck his list when repacking at his destination.

OP here. He is bothered by losing things, forgetting appointments and things like that. But it doesn't change. He often doesn't tell me he's lost items because he knows it's crazy too. The tux example was such a good recent example though. Who doesn't check for their tux shoes when you pack your tux? Or grab the studs when you grab your bow tie? The only thing that's ever worked is me texting DH "Remember to bring your W2 home" "Dentist appointment at noon" "Text your dad, it's his birthday". I have a joint calendar and joint note app (Wunderlist) so I can see his schedule. But then it's like I have a 3rd child. He often asks me for lists of what to do around the house so that he can prioritize his weekend or week nights.

Anything with huge, lasting consequences gets done by me. Like our taxes, paying our bills, vacations, appointments.

If he were to get on ADHD meds, do they truly fix these issues? My sister was on Ritalin and I don't remember her being super productive when she was on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he bothered by the lost and forgotten items or only you? If he wants to improve, he must make a pack list (you can check it). He will also have to recheck his list when repacking at his destination.

OP here. He is bothered by losing things, forgetting appointments and things like that. But it doesn't change. He often doesn't tell me he's lost items because he knows it's crazy too. The tux example was such a good recent example though. Who doesn't check for their tux shoes when you pack your tux? Or grab the studs when you grab your bow tie? The only thing that's ever worked is me texting DH "Remember to bring your W2 home" "Dentist appointment at noon" "Text your dad, it's his birthday". I have a joint calendar and joint note app (Wunderlist) so I can see his schedule. But then it's like I have a 3rd child. He often asks me for lists of what to do around the house so that he can prioritize his weekend or week nights.

Anything with huge, lasting consequences gets done by me. Like our taxes, paying our bills, vacations, appointments.

If he were to get on ADHD meds, do they truly fix these issues? My sister was on Ritalin and I don't remember her being super productive when she was on them.

Yes.

He needs treatment. He needs to be evaluated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh is a successful individual. He always was top of his class and is successful at work. But at home he’s falling apart. After we had our second child it just took a nosedive. He’s a traveling consultant and last year lost 7 iPhone cables, tooth brush charger, then lost the toothbrush itself a month later, shoes, coats, random clothes and credit cards. We just went on a vacation that had a black tie dinner. I packed everything for the kids and I. I even laid out dhs shirts. He remembered his tux, but forgot cumberbund, studs, tux shoes, black socks and cuff links. He’s always out buying someone a Christmas present on Christmas Eve (even after I took over gifts for everyone). He often can’t voucher at work because he loses the receipts. But somehow at work he’s on top of every detail of his huge contracts. Dh isn’t trying to drop the ball with us and he’s not checked out. Clearly lacking executive functioning skills though.

Is there any hope? He’s adamant he doesn’t want meds. I’m extremely organized and type A, so for a decade we’ve relied on my lists and organization. But it only goes so far. I’ve never let him touch our finances and I keep nearly every detail of our household running (I’m not a sahm) but I can’t put more work in.

I strongly suspect that the bolded is not the case. Most likely he has an awesome person (or group of people) supporting him at work, the same way you are supporting him at home. I work with a person like your DH. He is brilliant, but completely helpless with the details and the minutiae. Which is great, because I am decidedly NOT a genius, but am extremely organized and meticulous about the details. We make a great team, and everyone is amazed at how awesome he is and how he can keep all these projects running smoothly. Yeah, because he is the head of the duck gliding smoothly along the top of the water, thinking big strategic thoughts, and I am the feet paddling madly below the surface to keep us both afloat and things running smoothly. I suggest you find this person and thank him or her profusely. And do them, yourself and your husband a favor, and convince him that he needs to get medicated. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try letting him experience consequences more often. Really think before you take over a responsibility.

You may also benefit from simplifying your life, schedule, and home visual environment.

Give him back the responsibility for CHristmas shopping for his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he bothered by the lost and forgotten items or only you? If he wants to improve, he must make a pack list (you can check it). He will also have to recheck his list when repacking at his destination.

OP here. He is bothered by losing things, forgetting appointments and things like that. But it doesn't change. He often doesn't tell me he's lost items because he knows it's crazy too. The tux example was such a good recent example though. Who doesn't check for their tux shoes when you pack your tux? Or grab the studs when you grab your bow tie? The only thing that's ever worked is me texting DH "Remember to bring your W2 home" "Dentist appointment at noon" "Text your dad, it's his birthday". I have a joint calendar and joint note app (Wunderlist) so I can see his schedule. But then it's like I have a 3rd child. He often asks me for lists of what to do around the house so that he can prioritize his weekend or week nights.

Anything with huge, lasting consequences gets done by me. Like our taxes, paying our bills, vacations, appointments.

If he were to get on ADHD meds, do they truly fix these issues? My sister was on Ritalin and I don't remember her being super productive when she was on them.

Yes.

He needs treatment. He needs to be evaluated.

FOr the sake of his marriage, he needs this ^^

You don't want to develop health issues because of the stress of his ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Meds won’t totally fix things, though. They’ll help, but he’ll still have problems.

[Anonymous]

I’m the ADHD spouse in our marriage. I’ve read all the books, I have a therapist, I’m medicated. I STILL do all this stuff. I just do. I wish my brain worked differently. Sometimes I think I have early dementia because forgetfulness is getting way worse.

There are some things I’m really good at: focusing on and caring for my child, for instance. Taking care of all medical and financial stuff. Other things I am not: remembering where my stuff is. Organizing things. Remembering in general. Seriously, my worst fear when our child was a baby was that I would leave him in a hot car.

I’m a pretty great wife and mom in many ways...I’m patient and kind and present and even keeled. Just ridiculously forgetful. Luckily, DH seems to accept this. I’m good at many things he is not good at so he seems okay with sharing more of the remembering and noticing burden.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to be in the tux rental place with him? Dial back, OP. It is what it is and it will not change much, meds or no meds. Have a plan B, always. Admire his good qualities and do not resent him for small stuff. Develop empathy instead of animosity, if you value your marriage. Signed, married to adhd person for 25 years, adhd adult child.

[Anonymous]

OP, none of what you listed about DH sounds terrible. He is performs at work but spaces on details that when you boil it down aren't that important--losing 7 iPhone chargers? Is that a big deal? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the ADHD spouse in our marriage. I’ve read all the books, I have a therapist, I’m medicated. I STILL do all this stuff. I just do. I wish my brain worked differently. Sometimes I think I have early dementia because forgetfulness is getting way worse.

There are some things I’m really good at: focusing on and caring for my child, for instance. Taking care of all medical and financial stuff. Other things I am not: remembering where my stuff is. Organizing things. Remembering in general. Seriously, my worst fear when our child was a baby was that I would leave him in a hot car.

I’m a pretty great wife and mom in many ways...I’m patient and kind and present and even keeled. Just ridiculously forgetful. Luckily, DH seems to accept this. I’m good at many things he is not good at so he seems okay with sharing more of the remembering and noticing burden.

I am also a wife with ADD. Meds help a lot, but I still have some issues.

And consequences don’t help me much either. I remember not going on many a field trip as a kid because I forgot to have my mom sign the permission form. I thought for a long time as a child and teenager that I might have a seizure disorder. I just missed things that were obvious to everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my DH’s twin. Mine is also extremely successful but had the same issues with forgetfulness. Mine probably has ADHD but he would never in a million years address it- mine thinks mental health care of every type is a bunch of BS. Unless you are suicidal or going to shoot up a school or something a it’s a pile of nonsense to him.

Anyway. All the lost stuff- yes, same. I just ignore as it is minor stuff and we can afford it. Why would you bother squabbling about cell phone chargers and whatnot? Who cares? Periodically I donate all the shit mine has lying around- you know- 15 cell phone chargers, 12 tape measures etc etc. I see no point in arguing about it.

The tux thing- yeah stuff like that- or frankly anything marginally important - “”I” do. Otherwise I will be inconvenienced by the consequences (like sitting at a tuxedo store- ugh no thanks). Most paperwork too. I know by now what things to do to save time (married 15yrs)

It is absurd but finding workarounds is the easiest route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he bothered by the lost and forgotten items or only you? If he wants to improve, he must make a pack list (you can check it). He will also have to recheck his list when repacking at his destination.

OP here. He is bothered by losing things, forgetting appointments and things like that. But it doesn't change. He often doesn't tell me he's lost items because he knows it's crazy too. The tux example was such a good recent example though. Who doesn't check for their tux shoes when you pack your tux? Or grab the studs when you grab your bow tie? The only thing that's ever worked is me texting DH "Remember to bring your W2 home" "Dentist appointment at noon" "Text your dad, it's his birthday". I have a joint calendar and joint note app (Wunderlist) so I can see his schedule. But then it's like I have a 3rd child. He often asks me for lists of what to do around the house so that he can prioritize his weekend or week nights.

Anything with huge, lasting consequences gets done by me. Like our taxes, paying our bills, vacations, appointments.

If he were to get on ADHD meds, do they truly fix these issues? My sister was on Ritalin and I don't remember her being super productive when she was on them.

Op the tux example is also a good example of a mole hill that you are making a mountain. Irritating? Sure! But in a healthy situation you process that and move on. It doesn’t become a reason to force your spouse to take drugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh is a successful individual. He always was top of his class and is successful at work. But at home he’s falling apart. After we had our second child it just took a nosedive. He’s a traveling consultant and last year lost 7 iPhone cables, tooth brush charger, then lost the toothbrush itself a month later, shoes, coats, random clothes and credit cards. We just went on a vacation that had a black tie dinner. I packed everything for the kids and I. I even laid out dhs shirts. He remembered his tux, but forgot cumberbund, studs, tux shoes, black socks and cuff links. He’s always out buying someone a Christmas present on Christmas Eve (even after I took over gifts for everyone). He often can’t voucher at work because he loses the receipts. But somehow at work he’s on top of every detail of his huge contracts. Dh isn’t trying to drop the ball with us and he’s not checked out. Clearly lacking executive functioning skills though.

Is there any hope? He’s adamant he doesn’t want meds. I’m extremely organized and type A, so for a decade we’ve relied on my lists and organization. But it only goes so far. I’ve never let him touch our finances and I keep nearly every detail of our household running (I’m not a sahm) but I can’t put more work in.

I strongly suspect that the bolded is not the case. Most likely he has an awesome person (or group of people) supporting him at work, the same way you are supporting him at home. I work with a person like your DH. He is brilliant, but completely helpless with the details and the minutiae. Which is great, because I am decidedly NOT a genius, but am extremely organized and meticulous about the details. We make a great team, and everyone is amazed at how awesome he is and how he can keep all these projects running smoothly. Yeah, because he is the head of the duck gliding smoothly along the top of the water, thinking big strategic thoughts, and I am the feet paddling madly below the surface to keep us both afloat and things running smoothly. I suggest you find this person and thank him or her profusely. And do them, yourself and your husband a favor, and convince him that he needs to get medicated. GL.

He is very lucky to have found you.