Solutions for adult ADHD Dh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my DH’s twin. Mine is also extremely successful but had the same issues with forgetfulness. Mine probably has ADHD but he would never in a million years address it- mine thinks mental health care of every type is a bunch of BS. Unless you are suicidal or going to shoot up a school or something a it’s a pile of nonsense to him.

Anyway. All the lost stuff- yes, same. I just ignore as it is minor stuff and we can afford it. Why would you bother squabbling about cell phone chargers and whatnot? Who cares? Periodically I donate all the shit mine has lying around- you know- 15 cell phone chargers, 12 tape measures etc etc. I see no point in arguing about it.

The tux thing- yeah stuff like that- or frankly anything marginally important - “”I” do. Otherwise I will be inconvenienced by the consequences (like sitting at a tuxedo store- ugh no thanks). Most paperwork too. I know by now what things to do to save time (married 15yrs)

It is absurd but finding workarounds is the easiest route.

This is what I did—all the stuff that’s important to me and that would be a huge pain to fix. At some point I realized that he’s just incapable of handling certain things, and that if it was important to me then I should do it. It was harder to get past the defensiveness, because he will see you fixing the important stuff behind his back, but eventually I mostly did. I wouldn’t wait with him in a tux store, though—let him spend hours there and then show up to the wedding or whatever still without the shoes.

[Anonymous]

Parent of a severely adhd kid here. I'm not sure your DH has adhd. It sounds just as likely that you guys are super busy, with two jobs, multiple kids, he's traveling all the time.... and shit is falling apart at the seams. ADHD is a debilitating disease that impacts every interaction and action one has. Frankly, your life sounds exhausting to me. Dual working parents, one of whom travels most of the time, and squeezing in the kind of vacation that is so structured that it involved a black tie dinner?

Seriously, dial it down, simplify your life, allocate responsibilities based on each of your strengths, and then see if DH still "has AHDH".

[Anonymous]

Get a DX via neuropsych, preferably with psychiatrist not psychologist. We thought it was ADD inattentive and were somewhat blindsided by an aspergers Dx. But now totally agree with it and see it in the family tree big time. Unf no medicine for that, just behavioral therapy, earlier the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel this, OP. We have lost so much time and money managing the consequences of my (also otherwise successful) DH's ADHD. It is coming to a bigger head now that we have a tween with ADHD.

Same here. We are constantly two steps fw, one or two steps backwards. 24/7/365.
He gets angry and tries to blame me, the kids, the whatever each time. It’s sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh is a successful individual. He always was top of his class and is successful at work. But at home he’s falling apart. After we had our second child it just took a nosedive. He’s a traveling consultant and last year lost 7 iPhone cables, tooth brush charger, then lost the toothbrush itself a month later, shoes, coats, random clothes and credit cards. We just went on a vacation that had a black tie dinner. I packed everything for the kids and I. I even laid out dhs shirts. He remembered his tux, but forgot cumberbund, studs, tux shoes, black socks and cuff links. He’s always out buying someone a Christmas present on Christmas Eve (even after I took over gifts for everyone). He often can’t voucher at work because he loses the receipts. But somehow at work he’s on top of every detail of his huge contracts. Dh isn’t trying to drop the ball with us and he’s not checked out. Clearly lacking executive functioning skills though.

Is there any hope? He’s adamant he doesn’t want meds. I’m extremely organized and type A, so for a decade we’ve relied on my lists and organization. But it only goes so far. I’ve never let him touch our finances and I keep nearly every detail of our household running (I’m not a sahm) but I can’t put more work in.

I strongly suspect that the bolded is not the case. Most likely he has an awesome person (or group of people) supporting him at work, the same way you are supporting him at home. I work with a person like your DH. He is brilliant, but completely helpless with the details and the minutiae. Which is great, because I am decidedly NOT a genius, but am extremely organized and meticulous about the details. We make a great team, and everyone is amazed at how awesome he is and how he can keep all these projects running smoothly. Yeah, because he is the head of the duck gliding smoothly along the top of the water, thinking big strategic thoughts, and I am the feet paddling madly below the surface to keep us both afloat and things running smoothly. I suggest you find this person and thank him or her profusely. And do them, yourself and your husband a favor, and convince him that he needs to get medicated. GL.

By his age he’s developed a bunch of odd coping mechanisms and likely tries to talk himself out of his mishaps, including at work. Maybe his close teammates have caught on. But really, until you vacation with these types or have to really rely on them for an extended time period, you too would make excuses for the weird incidences. But at some point, you wouldn’t. You’d be like, WTf planet is this guy on? And give up and walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of these seem like a big deal honestly. I understand that you’re super type A and it bothers you, but maybe just don’t sweat the small stuff.

This krap adds up and never stops. It’s exhausting fixing up and cleaning up after someone who rarely does what he said he would or what norms are.

[Anonymous]

There are obviously a few things going on. Let's start with you saying your DH has ADHD, while he neither believes he has it or believes it's a thing.