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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Please get tested for STIs[/quote]
That's how this all came to light.[/quote]

NP. Is that OP replying? (You can never tell if someone might be coming on to troll, on this site.) I was coming back here to post what the PP did--to be sure both of you have been tested and getting treatment if needed. If that's OP above, I'm so sorry.

OP, the poster at 22:01 above has very solid and sobering advice, as you noted yourself.

Please heed it all, especially the one thing you can control right now, today: Go to the bank and start getting whatever money you can into your name solely. If you already have an account in your own name, salt away your paycheck into that alone, starting now. He will have to cooperate on many things (such as getting deeds into both names if they're only in his) but I would absolutely start the processes immediately, if he's remorseful and in a better state right this moment, to get yourself financially protected. Please believe me, even if his mania isn't the euphoric, I-am-a-genius type, his more depressive mania could fuel spending sprees, terrible financial choices, signing things away, huge credit card debts, etc. I've seen it happen. He will deny and deny that he would ever do that, and you might think, no, that's not how his illness presents, but to be painfully blunt, he also didn't seem the type to become hypersexual either. I have seen someone with bipolar dig out a vast hole of debt in a very short time and ruin credit probably for life because of manic spending and terrible decisions. Fortunately that person is not married or else there would be a spouse's credit and finances to wreck as well.

Also, I know that right now the focus is on the life-altering reality that he is cheating, and with men, but be aware too that he may not be telling you if things are going wrong at work. Does he have a work credit card? Misusing one is what got the bipolar person in my life fired immediately from a great and desired career-enhancing job AND ruined any chances of a reference from that job. You DH could also be on the verge of losing a job and might not tell you. You need to get yourself protected financially now, in case you come home one day to find out he has been fired--or was fired weeks ago. If he is manic outside work, he is manic AT work and you have no idea how that may be affecting things.

Your reply after 22:01 posted raised two red flags to me.

You said, "So I don't think he'd have any reason to resist taking his meds. I just wonder how effective they are." Unless he takes them in front of you every single day and you walk away certain he swallowed them and didn't spit them out, you cannot know he is taking his meds. I hate to say that; no adult wants to treat another adult like a child. But the fact is you cannot trust to your hope that he "has no reason to resist taking his meds." It is so common for people with bipolar disorder not to take them, even if they aren't experiencing the high of euporia but are dysphoric instead.

You also noted that he has memory lapses. OP, in the first post you note specific details which I assume he told you only after you or he tested positive for an STD --that the sex was oral only and the partners (all?) were from Cragislist. While that may be what he believes, if he has memory gaps I would have to assume he likely was having other kinds of sex with men, and/or was having sex with women, and was finding partners who knows where. I know that this may not matter, really; he cheated, period, and the trust is gone whether he did "only" have oral sex with only men, or whether he did more with more people. But the memory lapses mean there very possibly are other behaviors that are even riskier that you may never know. This is the kind of thing that would make me want to insist on possible inpatient treatment until he is actually taking all meds and memory lapses are ended. Something to consider.

You didn't say if you have kids. If you do, the financial protection and your own physical safety -- treatment for STDs and frankly probably no sex with him for a long time if you do end up staying with him -- are paramount.

[/quote]
If you are married the only financial protection is through divorce.  Funds that are squirreled away into one spouse's bank account are still marital property, same with debt (although a cc company may not be able to come after OP's accounts, debts still need to be accounted for in a marital split). Even if OP wants to stay together, it may make sense to consider a legal divorce, depending on she discovers. And remain vigilant.[/quote]

True, PP, but deciding to divorce and then getting it done can take time, sometimes a long time. In the meantime even if she started divorce proceedings today, she still needs to do whatever she can to ensure there are accounts he can't clean out on his own in a matter of minutes tomorrow. Even if he's shown no signs of being "that kind" of manic previously. That's why she needs to be sure there is some money he can't access. The debt after divorce issue is a real one, but it's not wrong for OP to ensure he doesn't go off the rails one day before any divorce and sell the house if it's only in his name, or cash in an account, etc. It can happen. [/quote]

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