"I want to live with Dad!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do women have kids with these losers? What positive things you saw in this man that you decided he was marriage material or would be a great dad?

It goes the other way, too, you know. There are women who are crap at parenting...

DP - but you're generally right. Why on earth folks don't have conversations around parenting styles/expectations before having kids is beyond me...

Because the conversation you have before even having kids has little resemblance to what you do in 1 year, 5 years or 10 years, or after a divorce.

You don't really know what you will be like as a parent until you are one. You don't really know what your kids will be like and how they need to be parented until you have them, you don't really know how kids will impact your marriage until it happens, and you don't know how the breakdown of your marriage will impact your parenting until it does.

I dated my DH for 3 years before I married him. I waited for 6 more years before I decided that I was ready to have a kid with him. A sucky partner will not make a good parent. A weak marriage will not survive parenthood, because parenting is extremely hard. A man is always showing you who he is. A vindictive man who wants to win at all costs, was doing that even before he became a dad.

I think this is a callous statement. Anyone, from all walks of life, can be victims of abusers (no matter how smart or perceptive they think they are).

Also, you can have conversations about anything with a liar. They'll just lie and tell you what they think you want to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My STBX is similar. One thing that I have been trying to do is not fall for the trap of being the "mean mom." Just because he feeds the kid McDonalds for every meal does not mean that I have to force-feed quinoa and broccoli. And just because they have constant fun because they never have to do anything hard or disciplined does not mean that I have to spend all my parenting time focusing on routines. What this means is yes, sometimes I have to deliberately give up a percentage of stuff that I think is important (like more fast food than I would want) but it's more important not to fall into a bad dynamic. I also have just given up and tried to accept the things that aren't an actual danger to my kid (like going to school dirty or with a light coat.) There's literally nothing I can do to change it when I'm not there.

TBH I would just give up trying to coordinate discipline with your ex. It's clearly not going to work. And your kids are old enough to face consequences themselves of staying up too late, not having school materials, etc.

If there IS something that is important to you, accept that you will have to do it yourself. Don't play games because you know that your DH won't step up. If you want your DS to have his school materials, do it yourself. Yes it sucks but you have no other choice, really.

OP and PP above: I am in the same situation with my ex. My DC is still very little, but the same type of crap is happening. It's the worst. My worst fear is the horrible stories I'm reading here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do women have kids with these losers? What positive things you saw in this man that you decided he was marriage material or would be a great dad?

Because emotional and psychological types of abuse are very insidious and you don't even realize it's happening, until it's too late. Then you feel trapped and you hope against hope that things will get better when you go to counseling, etc. You don't want to give up on something you've invested in for so long (albeit getting sh*t in return, as you realize more and more).

All this to say, it is VERY complicated, and unless you experience it, it's confusing to look at "from the outside".

Also, there's a lot of impression management in the early years to reel you in and get you invested, lots of lying, etc. Then later you wonder where the person you married disappeared to and who is this horrible parent.

It's so hard to explain. But it's devastating. And then even worse when you are in this type of "co-parenting" relationship (I'm in the same boat).

Also, two words: cognitive dissonance (in abuse situations).

[Anonymous]

OP first off don't sweat what the kids are eating. Who cares if he's feeding them fast food everyday, they are getting food.

Secondly keep a routine and rules in your house. Yes, they are for your home only. You cannot force your ex to continue them. Yes, it would be best for the kids if it could be a united front, but obviously the chances of that happening are slim.

Do not go on the attack. Just remind your kids that you and their father have different rules. Talk to your kids, keep communication open. Do not be judgemental. Your kids will absolutely shut down and stop talking if you immediately judge everything they say.

[Anonymous]

You just don't always know what you're getting into, and how a person will be as a parent.

I got pregnant while dating a guy, and ended up keeping the baby. He was super resistant to the idea at first, but he ended up sticking around (for the baby, not as a partner to me) and the co-parenting has been mostly smooth sailing. I'm pretty shocked, to be honest. I had no idea he'd be a good dad, but here he is, killing it. That said, we had very similar upbringings and somewhat similar ideas about parenting so we are mostly on the same page. Plus we were never married so we don't have a lot of that BS to work through - there are no anger issues to take out on each other through the kid.

Anyway. Just wanted to weigh in that people can surprise you in their parenting, good or bad. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my friend. She lost full custody of her kids because after the age of 12 they get to decide where they live and never have to see you ever again. She hasn’t seen her kids in 5 months. They are 12 and 14. So sad she was a stay at home mom as well who lost all child support. Now her home is in foreclosure.

It is wrong to give kids that much power but once you divorce you do not have the luxRy to sah. She would have lost the house at 18 if her only income was child support. More to that story.

[Anonymous]

Would it help if you developed some system, like medical professionals who are changing shifts? They give the new staff status reports on each patient. You could remind him that the kid has a big test on Wednesday, or you could tell him why a child has lost a privilege.

He could tell you if the kid got an upsetting text while at his house. He could say that they really want something for Christmas and have her weigh in .

Again, this may be naive...but is some system like this worth a try?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do women have kids with these losers? What positive things you saw in this man that you decided he was marriage material or would be a great dad?

It goes the other way, too, you know. There are women who are crap at parenting...

DP - but you're generally right. Why on earth folks don't have conversations around parenting styles/expectations before having kids is beyond me...

While it may help you people do change and lie.

[Anonymous]

This is why I do not agree with the “it’s best if both parents parent equally” stuff. This is just so not true.
My ex allows almost unlimited screen time, does not make sure there are no screens in the bedroom, etc. He also does not make sure the kid eats 3 meals a day or at least is eating something (he might not like the food and just will snack afterwards).
The good thing is that he only had the child occasional weekends.

[Anonymous]

My DHis the Disneyland Dad. Not as bad as you describe, but the rules on screens and fun time are definitely more lax when he has the kids. I say just embrace it. My DH got the kids laptops, phones, iPads, gets them whatever clothes they want etc. I think his ex has realized that it’s actually a pretty good deal bc she doesn’t have to buy all that stuff. We always go to nice restaurants with them, whereas she rarely does. Of course, we are broke and she has a nice retirement nest egg! So just work it for what you can. Kids know the deal. They know different rules apply differently. Bio mom instills no discipline and allows plenty of back talk. But the kids NEVER back talk DH or misbehave at our house. DH is also really lax about things like boyfriends and going to parties. But mom is really strict about it. Anyway, they are almost fully grown and out of the house and I think they really do benefit from the good things their mom and dad instilled in them, and they learn that the indulgent stuff is the exception not the rule. I feel you but let the comments roll off- your kids will appreciate the good stuff you instilled in them.

[Anonymous]

So did mine even though DC never said so out loud. Now the 2 sit at home, get heavier and have missed at least 10 days of school already.
I tell the school to call his father and life goes on. I want the best for my kid but if DC and his father think skipping school, not doing his homework and eating junk is good, so be it.
I have lots of free time and love it. DC is in middle school and know better. I've told them 100 times that skipping school is not ok. I'm done repeating it.
My life is much nicer when I don't think about it. DC can still turn it all around and do fine in the future.

[Anonymous]

It’s easy to give up.
But it’s better for the kids if you fight for what is best for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s easy to give up.
But it’s better for the kids if you fight for what is best for them.

I don't agree that it's easy to give up. In this case, it is BM who is more lax and therefore perceived as more fun.

I have watched my DH fight for what is best for them to the point of exhaustion. We talk about dropping the rope all the time - because it would be so.much.easier - and always come back to maintaining our values and holding boundaries.

While it would be easier to not fight, it is not an easy choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do women have kids with these losers? What positive things you saw in this man that you decided he was marriage material or would be a great dad?

It goes the other way, too, you know. There are women who are crap at parenting...

DP - but you're generally right. Why on earth folks don't have conversations around parenting styles/expectations before having kids is beyond me...

Because the conversation you have before even having kids has little resemblance to what you do in 1 year, 5 years or 10 years, or after a divorce.

You don't really know what you will be like as a parent until you are one. You don't really know what your kids will be like and how they need to be parented until you have them, you don't really know how kids will impact your marriage until it happens, and you don't know how the breakdown of your marriage will impact your parenting until it does.

This... You don't really have any idea what you'll be like as a parent until you actually are one. PP sounds like one of those people who has a sister with kids and dispenses with all kinds of free "advice" before heading home to their childless house to dream about what a common sense parent they'd be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP first off don't sweat what the kids are eating. Who cares if he's feeding them fast food everyday, they are getting food.

Secondly keep a routine and rules in your house. Yes, they are for your home only. You cannot force your ex to continue them. Yes, it would be best for the kids if it could be a united front, but obviously the chances of that happening are slim.

Do not go on the attack. Just remind your kids that you and their father have different rules. Talk to your kids, keep communication open. Do not be judgemental. Your kids will absolutely shut down and stop talking if you immediately judge everything they say.

This is good advice. It’s soooo hard, and I don’t always succeed at taking this “high road” approach, but I try. And probably succeed more often than not.