If your kids get in trouble, what happens immediately afterwards?

[Anonymous]

OP— I had a somewhat traumatic childhood— although nothing like what Aiden apparently went though. I think you have a great discipline system for other kids, and I wouldn’t change it, or AP would change it as minimally as possible. I’m sure you have a psychologist or social worker, and I don’t want to play amateur shrink. But, it seems like the issue may not be the bedroom per se, but the closed door. Having BTDT, I know that sometimes imagining what is happening or worrying about what could happen can be very anxiety provoking.

We do pretty much the same thing as you, but usually talk in the den, which is neutral territory, and everyone can have a seat. We tell our other child to please be on a different level of the house. So, they can go up to their bedroom or down the basement. But, we have a lot of space in the suburbs.

Since you are working with less space, why not tell the offending kid to leave their bedroom door open while they wait? That way you are being transparent that nothing bad is happening and Aiden doesn’t have to trust you not to hurt his sibling. He walk by and check for himself. You can literally say- “I know you’re worried because bad stiff has happened in the past, so if you want to check on your brother or sister, that’s fine.” And how about getting a white noise machine like doctors and therapist offices use and placing it outside the door when you can in and talk to the offending kid? That way, you can have a private conversation, and Aiden can know nothing is being hidden. He can see that what he has built up in his imagination is actually a parent sitting there calmly talking to the kid. Hopefully if you do this for a while, by the time the older child is in high school, you can close the door to talk, and Aiden will trust that nothing bad is happening.

Can you also enlist you Bio Kids? Aiden may be more willing to trust them if they tell him you’ve never hit them.

[Anonymous]

Some stuff is just going to take time. He’ll learn over time that this is a safe place. By all means, adapt your approach and keep his perspective in mind, as you are, but just because it is taking time to trust does not men that what you are doing is a bad approach. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should change things for your biological kids but should for your other child. This kid also needs therapy if he/she was that badly abused.

Yes, he needs and gets pretty intensive trauma therapy. Bio kids are getting less intense therapy, because even though they are basically healthy typical kids, getting a new sibling is a big adjustment, and a traumatized one even more so.

I think we need to work on this, not just because my one child doesn’t deserve to be scared, but because it’s no longer something that works for the family any more. For example, last night Dad took DS1 upstairs to talk through something. The whole thing was handled quietly enough that my youngest bio kid didn’t notice. But when they came back down two minutes later, and DS1 realized that his brother was upset, he was devastated, and felt terrible because in his mind he “caused” his brother to be scared. So with two kids in tailspin, the nice family dinner we wanted didn’t happen as planned.

I’ll also say that while I have worked really hard to provide continuity for my bio kids, they’re also pretty resilient kids, because they’ve had years of decent parenting to build trust. So, if some things need to change because we are now a family of 5, that’s OK. It’s not like there aren’t plenty of healthy ways to discipline kids. We just happened to hit on one that worked well for a stretch. I think that if I had given birth to a third kid, instead of adopting one, and it meant some changes in routine no one would think twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a 14 and 18 year olds who are generally really good kids. We’ve never sent our kids to their room for such a talk. Typically the conversation happens at the dining room table. This is where we walk through what happened and then share what the consequences are going to be.

If we need space to think through the consequences, we take it. But we’ve never directed our kids to go wait in their room.

Where are your other kids when this happens?

I guess part of it, is that I feel like my oldest in particular (he's the one who got in trouble today), deserves a little privacy. I feel as though he doesn't need his little siblings watching.

To be clear, my kids aren't waiting up there for an hour, usually, Dad or I is right on their heels, and if we take some time, it's a few minutes.

I would send the rest of the kids (who weren't adopted) out to another area, like to play in the yard or in a playroom, or living room. You should let your new child be able to float around to see what happens or to go with the other kids, as they are ready. Your new child will need to build trust that you aren't beating the crap out of the other kids, and that will take time.

OP here, I could see that for something major, but my kids are young enough, and well enough behaved, that we’re talking super fast interactions.

To give an example of how it used to work, or how it works when my adopted kid is out of the equation, the last time this happened, before last night, my adopted kid happened to be sleeping because he didn’t feel well. DH was also sleeping, because he had just come off a 16 hour shift. One kid was doing homework, I was going back and forth between helping him and making dinner.

Youngest kid was playing a video game and started yelling at the screen. I came out of the kitchen and reminded him that people were sleeping, he apologized and a moment later was doing it again. Now, in my experience with him this isn’t malice or disrespect, he’s just excited and not focusing on what I’m asking so I step in front of the screen and tell him “Let’s talk upstairs” and put my finger to my lip. So he heads up, I go back in the kitchen long enough to wash my hands, and by the time I get upstairs, he’s figured out what he needs to change, and apologizes. I ask him if he wants to try again to play video games quietly, or if wants to do something else like legos and he says he wants to keep playing and I give him a hug and he’s back to his game. Total time? Maybe 90 seconds? And nothing lingering. We’re done. Now if he yelled again, then I’d probably turn off the TV and tell him to find something else to do, but usually it works, because he’s a good kid who was caught up in the moment.

The thing with his brother was a little bigger, in that Dad imposed a separate consequence, which was no screens until he fixed what needed to be fixed, which amounted to less than an hour without his phone since it was almost bedtime and the thing was fixed the next day at school. To me, making the whole household stop and rearrange themselves would just make it a bigger deal than it needed to be.

[Anonymous]

I guess one thing I need to figure out is whether the bedroom is the trigger. I think that any perception that an adult might be displeased with a child, or a child might be anxious about an interaction with an adult, is hard.

I do think that he knows, on a conscious level that we don’t hit our kids. But when he senses the dynamic, he goes directly to panic without stopping to think at all.

My oldest is really good at talking him through things that confuse him about our family, and has told him many times that we don’t hit, or forget to feed our kids, or whatever else he’s imagining.