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If your children haven't done as well as you thought they should have -- how would you change things
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Anonymous
| ...because people who are jealous tend to try to bring everyone down to their levels |
Anonymous
Ditto this exactly. My aversion to this it's because it's how I (and my husband) grew up and because of the repercussions we still deal with as adults. I was sent to a private school and distinctly remember feeling like I never fit in. I wanted NOTHING more than to go to the neighborhood public school with all my neighborhood friends. Instead, my well-meaning (yes, IVY league educated) parents drove me across town to the expensive private school which boasted superior exmissions, etc. So I spent 4 years not fitting in, getting decent grades but never loving school. Now as an adult I'm not close to any of my high school friends, have no real roots in my home town and envy my friends who do have this connection (including my cousins, etc who grew up in that town). My husband grew up with similarly academically competitive parents and was a star student under the iron fist of his mother. Graduated first in his class, went on to the Ivy league, medical school and became a cardiologist. Now makes big $$ (and has the privilege of working long and crazy hours). Doesn't love or even like what he does because guess what? All he ever, ever wanted to really do in life was become a commercial airplane pilot. But his parents did NOTHING to foster this dream saying "being a glorified bus driver" was beneath someone of his potential. So now the man is 40+ years old, extremely successful by every standard and yet he still feels his heart ache when he nears an airport because he will never realize that dream and as such, feels like a failure. See, he got on the conveyor belt of his parents' choosing beginning at age 18 (earlier really) and when he was younger (and had options and no medical school debt and hadn't invested 12 years of training) it was impossible to get off. Now as the parents of 3 kids we are determined to never, ever let our desires for them dictate their choice of college, career, etc. It's just not worth it to us. |
Anonymous
| PP. I get what you are saying but since this is a private school board I have to ask....did you send your kids to private school or to the neighborhood school? |
Anonymous
What a lovely invitation. |
Anonymous
NP here. I think the question is *whose* goal is it? Is it the kid's or the parent's? If the kid wants it, does he/she really want it or is it a matter of pleasing mom/dad? Not a bad thing to please mom/dad but does that kid also have a sense of self separate from pleasing mom/dad? I think that's the important question to ask. |
Anonymous
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I appreciate your story and woes and trust you will ensure that as parents you don't repeat what your parents did with your own children.
As a cardiac surgeon that went to boarding school I couldn't be happier. My children are already asking to go to my alma mater when we visit on reunion weekends. That's a long way off for any decision about best fit but school was always a blast for me. My parents were always involved in the process even when I was away in school and the family is close. Boarding school is not for everyone, but neither is public nor private school. Cardiology is not for everyone but neither is aviation. It's about best fit and trusting and loving parental guidance early in life. Some parents are frankly lousy at their jobs but there is nothing wrong with high aspirations and goals. There is nothing wrong with boarding school or the Ivy league. It's not the best fit for everyone. Sounds like this was your case. Similar path but different outcome. |
Anonymous
| lovely post pp -- thank you and happy holidays on such a positive note! |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
| Thank you for your candor pp -- I agree. |
Anonymous
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I am a mom of an older child and have also witnessed 5 nieces and nephews who also grew up in this area. I've seen more than my share of very unhappy teens and college grads who are on paths they do not like.
This is what I hear on these threads: 1. Parents who have the paths of their small children already mapped out instead of watching their children develop and unfold through the years. This should be the joy of parenthood. It should not be about parent expectations or unfulfilled parent dreams. Life is about the journey, not about the destination. 2. Parents who express what they want for their children instead of seeing who their children are and planning accordingly. I'm sure the 7 year olds aren't begging their parents to go to Harvard yet their parents are already planning for it. 3. And it goes without saying, the helicopter parents. Teaching your children to love learning and exploring and knowing who they are is vastly more important than planning their Ivy education. Did you know that colleges have a term for their new students who are already fried and burned out from their pushy parents? They are called "crispies." |
Anonymous
| PP here. Meant to clarify that the parent role is to inspire, help guide and to coax the special qualities out of their children. If your children are plants, then you are the water - not the gardener. |
Anonymous
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If you know how to parent and provide mentorship and guidance, your children can still end up at "Harvard" (if that is your goal -- parent and child). If you don't, they end up as crispies.
To each his or her own goal. The PP cannot decide this. |
Anonymous
| My son went to school with a boy that walked in front of train on report card day in 9th grade because he couldn't make his parents dreams come true. I took a closer look at what my children wanted at that point. |
Anonymous
| Yeah, I read about a similar story in Indonesia too. |
Anonymous
Never, ever smoke crack with your kids. |