When a lover/spouse dies...

[Anonymous]

All normal. When I was 23, my bf (who I had been with since 16) was killed by a drunk driver. 4 months is nothing for grief. If recommend you see a counselor, it helps tremendously! About a year later I was finally ready to have sex with someone else (I had gone on dates here and there before), and I cried after. The grief just came back in this huge wave. Thankfully the guy was so understanding and is my now DH.

You'll be surprised how the grief comes. Anger can be a big part of it too. I hope you find some support group or therapist, it can really help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All normal. When I was 23, my bf (who I had been with since 16) was killed by a drunk driver. 4 months is nothing for grief. If recommend you see a counselor, it helps tremendously! About a year later I was finally ready to have sex with someone else (I had gone on dates here and there before), and I cried after. The grief just came back in this huge wave. Thankfully the guy was so understanding and is my now DH.

You'll be surprised how the grief comes. Anger can be a big part of it too. I hope you find some support group or therapist, it can really help.

You married the first guy you slept with after losing your first love? Dang...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All normal. When I was 23, my bf (who I had been with since 16) was killed by a drunk driver. 4 months is nothing for grief. If recommend you see a counselor, it helps tremendously! About a year later I was finally ready to have sex with someone else (I had gone on dates here and there before), and I cried after. The grief just came back in this huge wave. Thankfully the guy was so understanding and is my now DH.

You'll be surprised how the grief comes. Anger can be a big part of it too. I hope you find some support group or therapist, it can really help.

You married the first guy you slept with after losing your first love? Dang...

Yup! No regrets and we've been together for about 15 years. How he acted after and how he treated me showed me what an amazing partner he would be. And I was right.

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry for your loss.
Do you have children together?

[Anonymous]

Was he married to someone?

[Anonymous]

I lost a soulmate a couple of months ago. He took his own life. We knew each other for over twenty years, and we remained close despite marrying different people. The loss affected me deeply, more than I expected. I am sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...and you can’t move on.

Four months ago, my beloved one passed away. Wed known each other for over twenty years.

Always compatible mentally and physically, he had challenges with drugs in recent years and I kept my distance. Always kind to me and I to him no matter what.

Since his passing, I have been unable to move on. All fantasies involve him, I find myself imagining him pleasuring me when I take time to self pleasure.

I miss him deeply. Is this normal ?

Four months is not enough. But everything passes.

[Anonymous]

3+ years for me and still think about her regularly..but time works...find a transitional lover

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very normal.
Grief is the final act of love.

NP here, this was a really powerful statement. thank you for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:4 months is nothing. Give it more time.

This. I wouldn’t say “can’t move on” when you are still within a normal grieving time.

[Anonymous]

Four months is nothing,. I waited 4 years to date after my husband died.

[Anonymous]

Best Reddit post on grief

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.good.is/articles/best-comment-ever/amp

Great conversation about grief

https://youtu.be/YB46h1koicQ

[Lonely_Sojourner]

OP -

What you are feeling is very, very normal. Widower here as my wife of 17 years died ~5 years ago. Let me share that I not only lost my wife, I also lost my best friend. To provide some context of our relationship, we rode to work together, ate lunch together, rode home together and of course, ate dinner together every day for the majority of our marriage. From my experience, the journey you're facing is more of a marathon, not a sprint. Further, this "marathon" has many hurdles you will be faced with and getting over your spouse is just one of many. Making the decision to date, actually going on a date, holding hands, kissing, other intimate situations, etc. To me, these are all hurdles that can be rather daunting at times. I was ~47 when my wife died and it was well over a year before I began dating as all I did was work and go home. In some respects, it was a bit easier as we didn't have any kids. As you are acutely aware, dating has changed significantly over the years and I certainly have had my share of "dating woes" just as everyone else.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Thank you profusely for all of the replies. Especially the links were very helpful. One day at a time.

Regarding the requests for additional details, no need to add them at this time. I got what I needed and am grateful for the feedback. Helps me to not feel as alone in this. Signing off the thread, and thank you again.

[Anonymous]

Stop using the term Soulmate. If you didn't end up with this person they weren't your soulmate. Maybe a F buddy, but seriously stop the fantasy. If they married someone else you aren't anything to them. Now if your spouse died that is really sad and crappy. Otherwise you're inventing a past that wasn't going to come into play.