Confronting Elderly Parents Cognitive decline feels like Gaslighting them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The irony is the person who enables ends up being the golden adult child. The person who confronts the issue can often be scapegoated by everyone in denial including the parent.

Very true.

Going though this now and went through this with my other parent. It's hell.

[Anonymous]

Wanted to add it becomes battle of the gaslights. Usually the one who lives closest notices when say the other parent who sees the person daily goes into denial. The siblings who don't live in the area benefit from joining the denial because they stay the favorites. So, the whole family gaslights you to the point you doubt reality. Then you try to be rational and explain all the concerning things and they assume you are gaslighting since even the spouse says everything is fine. I know one family where this went on until the parent got into an accident. in our case it just made my life hell and I was the "bad child."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too often adult children want to believe that an evaluation with solve it, will matter. Unfortunately what makes more of a difference is spending the time, entire days, with the elder to see how they are managing. What is their actual day like? What challenges are they facing and how are they meeting those challenges. There isn't much a doctor can do. There certainly isn't much a doctor can prescribe.

Plus 1

Obviously a formal diagnosis of Alzheimer's doesn't solve anything, but that doesn't mean it can't be helpful to both the patient and his or her family. I am so glad that my mom was formally diagnosed in the early stages of the disease. It allowed time to adjust wills and do other advanced planning in consultation with an eldercare lawyer. It is important to start that work early. It also gave my mom a chance to start taking Aricept, which is far from a miracle drug but does help a bit. Also having a formal diagnosis spurred both of my parents to join support groups, which have been super helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too often adult children want to believe that an evaluation with solve it, will matter. Unfortunately what makes more of a difference is spending the time, entire days, with the elder to see how they are managing. What is their actual day like? What challenges are they facing and how are they meeting those challenges. There isn't much a doctor can do. There certainly isn't much a doctor can prescribe.

Plus 1

Obviously a formal diagnosis of Alzheimer's doesn't solve anything, but that doesn't mean it can't be helpful to both the patient and his or her family. I am so glad that my mom was formally diagnosed in the early stages of the disease. It allowed time to adjust wills and do other advanced planning in consultation with an eldercare lawyer. It is important to start that work early. It also gave my mom a chance to start taking Aricept, which is far from a miracle drug but does help a bit. Also having a formal diagnosis spurred both of my parents to join support groups, which have been super helpful.

So this!! I've been through this now with inlaws and my own parent. My family insisted on staying in denial until it was too late to have the one with Alzheimers be part of the planning. I honestly thing the parent would have lived a longer and better life if interventions had started earlier and we knew the wishes of the parent. Instead the other parent was in rage filled denial and then fill of fury and resentment caring for the the onr withj Alzheimers (with lots of help). Parent refused memory care and insisted other parent never wanted it. My guess is parent would have been happier around people paid to smile and be kind than being with someone full of fury. Contrast that with inlaws. Diagnosis done early-everyone agreed it was worthwhile. FIL was part of the decision making and did end up in memory care. MIL visited him daily and was able to take care of herself. We enjoyed visiting because these were 2 people where they wanted to be. My family on the otherhand was blown apart by Alzheimers and denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too often adult children want to believe that an evaluation with solve it, will matter. Unfortunately what makes more of a difference is spending the time, entire days, with the elder to see how they are managing. What is their actual day like? What challenges are they facing and how are they meeting those challenges. There isn't much a doctor can do. There certainly isn't much a doctor can prescribe.

Plus 1

Obviously a formal diagnosis of Alzheimer's doesn't solve anything, but that doesn't mean it can't be helpful to both the patient and his or her family. I am so glad that my mom was formally diagnosed in the early stages of the disease. It allowed time to adjust wills and do other advanced planning in consultation with an eldercare lawyer. It is important to start that work early. It also gave my mom a chance to start taking Aricept, which is far from a miracle drug but does help a bit. Also having a formal diagnosis spurred both of my parents to join support groups, which have been super helpful.

This does assume that they are willing to plan. In my family, the pattern is that the diagnosis makes the person depressed and then they refuse to do any planning. No one has a plan. No wills. No one knows where the kept their money. No POA. Always a disaster with lots of drama. An early diagnosis only helps if the person is willing to be reasonable. Otherwise it just extends the drama.

[Anonymous]

Responding to the PP, is the spouse of the person with dementia in denial too? I found that the most important advanced planning was the planning done by the well spouse. For example, it was crucial that the well spouse no longer had the spouse with Alzheimer's as the beneficiary of the will or made that spouse the person to make medical decisions if the well spouse were to be incapacitated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Responding to the PP, is the spouse of the person with dementia in denial too? I found that the most important advanced planning was the planning done by the well spouse. For example, it was crucial that the well spouse no longer had the spouse with Alzheimer's as the beneficiary of the will or made that spouse the person to make medical decisions if the well spouse were to be incapacitated.

I think i am the pp you are responding to and yes well spouse was in denial and it was a really tough situation.You are so right about wills POA, etc because it becomes so difficult to get people on board with declaring someone incompetent and it is so hard to force an eval.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too often adult children want to believe that an evaluation with solve it, will matter. Unfortunately what makes more of a difference is spending the time, entire days, with the elder to see how they are managing. What is their actual day like? What challenges are they facing and how are they meeting those challenges. There isn't much a doctor can do. There certainly isn't much a doctor can prescribe.

Plus 1

Obviously a formal diagnosis of Alzheimer's doesn't solve anything, but that doesn't mean it can't be helpful to both the patient and his or her family. I am so glad that my mom was formally diagnosed in the early stages of the disease. It allowed time to adjust wills and do other advanced planning in consultation with an eldercare lawyer. It is important to start that work early. It also gave my mom a chance to start taking Aricept, which is far from a miracle drug but does help a bit. Also having a formal diagnosis spurred both of my parents to join support groups, which have been super helpful.

This does assume that they are willing to plan. In my family, the pattern is that the diagnosis makes the person depressed and then they refuse to do any planning. No one has a plan. No wills. No one knows where the kept their money. No POA. Always a disaster with lots of drama. An early diagnosis only helps if the person is willing to be reasonable. Otherwise it just extends the drama.

My heart goes out to you. Truly. While we didn't have it this bad, I am still getting over all the stress and aggravation caused by people who just refused to deal. I know this is all stressful, but you get yourself some meds and you rise to the occasion. (Not you, just voicing my frustration at people putting their fingers in their ears and screaming na nanana).

So basically in your case if there are medical issues you what petition for POA with a lawyer? OMG what a nightmare. How does that even work.

[Anonymous]

It's amazing how siblings gaslight to stay in denial often to the detriment of the parent.

[Anonymous]

Growing old really takes moral and mental fortitude. If you lack one of these, you need to count on your loved ones to supply the other. If you don't have either, you destroy yourself and your family.