Confronting Elderly Parents Cognitive decline feels like Gaslighting them

[Anonymous]

This is one of the things that is so awful about trying to get an elderly parent evaluated. They think you are gas-lighting them. It is common for those with dementia not to be aware of their decline. Heck it's common for those around them to be in denial especially since the person with dementia can have good moments where they seem lucid and fine. So not only does it seem to them like you are gaslighting them, but at least for me, I questioned my own reality and whether I was over-reacting to concerning things I saw and heard. I suspect this is why it's harder to get people diagnosed early on. It has to be glaringly obvious for some families to push for the evaluation.

[Anonymous]

My MIL was completely unaware and didn't understand what her doctors were telling her to tell us. She had diagnosis and kept going to the doctor concerned but it didn't register.

[Anonymous]

This scares the heck out of me for when I get older as well. How awful it must be to think everything is mostly OK, maybe you sense a little something, meanwhile you are way more impaired than "a little something" and you don't understand why your adult kids are on your case.

[Anonymous]

Too often adult children want to believe that an evaluation with solve it, will matter. Unfortunately what makes more of a difference is spending the time, entire days, with the elder to see how they are managing. What is their actual day like? What challenges are they facing and how are they meeting those challenges. There isn't much a doctor can do. There certainly isn't much a doctor can prescribe.

[Anonymous]

Even with evaluation in hand, what can one do? Are you willing to get power of attorney, to become the guardian? To make all life decisions?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it is like gaslighting, in that you have to lie. “You need to move into the independent/assisted living place after your surgery. You cannot recover alone at home. It will only be temporary”. Then you have to lie and say, ‘your place isn’t ready yet”. “I don’t know why your car won’t start, we need to get it fixed.” ‘Why don’t we figure out a way for me to pay your bills while you recover from x.” Then eventually, they feel like they are home and have adjusted.

[Anonymous]

It's so hard but have to agree with everybody on this thread. Your own behavior ends up being motivated by short-term, practical considerations like avoiding conflict or getting cooperation. It feels like a violation of the relationship because you aren't treating them in a way that respects their dignity, but there's often no choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too often adult children want to believe that an evaluation with solve it, will matter. Unfortunately what makes more of a difference is spending the time, entire days, with the elder to see how they are managing. What is their actual day like? What challenges are they facing and how are they meeting those challenges. There isn't much a doctor can do. There certainly isn't much a doctor can prescribe.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even with evaluation in hand, what can one do? Are you willing to get power of attorney, to become the guardian? To make all life decisions?

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

Reminds me of the joke:

Dr says to his patient:
I have some very bad news for you. I am afraid you have Alzheimer’s, and you have cancer.
The old man says:
Cancer? Oh well, at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s!

I agree that the diagnosis is really secondary, even irrelevant. It is how they manage in their daily lives that is key. They want agency. Many people, probably alarge majority, prefer to live in denial until the situation is totally untenable. And the fact is, that we don’t have much choice if this is the case. Sometimes you just need to take a deep breath and step back and let things play out, being ready to intervene when the time is right. It is frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Someone mentioned their parent wouldn't give up the keys when they warned "you might kill a child". Instead, what worked was "you might kill a child and get sued for everything you've got".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it is like gaslighting, in that you have to lie. “You need to move into the independent/assisted living place after your surgery. You cannot recover alone at home. It will only be temporary”. Then you have to lie and say, ‘your place isn’t ready yet”. “I don’t know why your car won’t start, we need to get it fixed.” ‘Why don’t we figure out a way for me to pay your bills while you recover from x.” Then eventually, they feel like they are home and have adjusted.

NO NO NO

[Anonymous]

I watched a family member enable her father to the point where he just about died from gangrene and required an amputation. She just frly he was entitled to make his own decisions and she went right into his cone of unreality. It's abuse, frankly.

No, you need to do what needs to be done as a matter of responsibility.

[Anonymous]

The irony is the person who enables ends up being the golden adult child. The person who confronts the issue can often be scapegoated by everyone in denial including the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The irony is the person who enables ends up being the golden adult child. The person who confronts the issue can often be scapegoated by everyone in denial including the parent.

Very true.