If your parents divorced when you were young-

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The number one thing, looking back, is that I wish they had not made me shuffle between their houses every week (one week with dad, one week with mom). It left me feeling like I had no real home and was just living out of a duffel bag.

If you are still checking this thread, do you mind sharing what would have been preferred? The only friend I have with divorced parents who I really know well told me that his parents divorced when he was 12 or so and he told them he would not swap houses. He stayed solely at his mom's but maintained a great relationship with his dad and his dad picked him up from and dropped him off at his mom's but they went on outings. It seems that would pose a lot of logistical challenges as well- like if certain nights were dad's night to hang out, but there was homework or some other thing, then he still might have had to get driven to his dad's house or whatever to work on it. I am going to ask...

Not the PP, but I did every other weekend, alternating holidays and 6 weeks in the summer. That was a good schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The number one thing, looking back, is that I wish they had not made me shuffle between their houses every week (one week with dad, one week with mom). It left me feeling like I had no real home and was just living out of a duffel bag.

If you are still checking this thread, do you mind sharing what would have been preferred? The only friend I have with divorced parents who I really know well told me that his parents divorced when he was 12 or so and he told them he would not swap houses. He stayed solely at his mom's but maintained a great relationship with his dad and his dad picked him up from and dropped him off at his mom's but they went on outings. It seems that would pose a lot of logistical challenges as well- like if certain nights were dad's night to hang out, but there was homework or some other thing, then he still might have had to get driven to his dad's house or whatever to work on it. I am going to ask...

I may not have explained this well- no idea if dad picked him up from school, and took kid to his (dad's) house but at the end of the night, he did stay with his mom all throughout his years at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The number one thing, looking back, is that I wish they had not made me shuffle between their houses every week (one week with dad, one week with mom). It left me feeling like I had no real home and was just living out of a duffel bag.

If you are still checking this thread, do you mind sharing what would have been preferred? The only friend I have with divorced parents who I really know well told me that his parents divorced when he was 12 or so and he told them he would not swap houses. He stayed solely at his mom's but maintained a great relationship with his dad and his dad picked him up from and dropped him off at his mom's but they went on outings. It seems that would pose a lot of logistical challenges as well- like if certain nights were dad's night to hang out, but there was homework or some other thing, then he still might have had to get driven to his dad's house or whatever to work on it. I am going to ask...

Different poster here, but I had a similar experience. One week each parent is extremely disruptive for the kid. This was the one thing I hated too. Different rules in each house. Different routines. You’re constantly packing / living off a bag. Constantly forgetting something at the other house. Constantly negotiating - ”can we swap weeks so that we can attend x event?”

[Anonymous]

My parents are still together, so take this for whatever you think it's worth.
First, no way would I agree to family dinners, not at this time and not every week. What he wants and suggests doesn't matter anymore. These dinners sound like a level of hell to me. If my husband "left the marriage with no communication" as you say, the only things I'd want are to make sure I get what I am legally entitled to get, and that my kids are protected finantially and as emotionally as I can. No way would I sit at a table with him and chat to create the illution of family. It'd be too painful for me, I know this, and there is nothing wrong with saying it.

As for the pictures, I'd keep them. You don't need to pour lovingly over them, but you don't want to destroy part of your history and the history of your children, at least not right now. If you talk to people who have lost their homes, as in physically lost their homes, all of them say that what they miss most are their pictures. I wouldn't destroy something you can't replace, no matter how shitty your ex probably is. Again, I wouldn't display them, and I wouldn't make the kids sit down and look at them, but I would still keep them.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was 5 and while I think overall they did a good job of maintaining civility and didn't badmouth each other to me, the thing that affected me most in a negative way was them using me as a conduit for communication rather than communicating with each other directly. One example I remember vividly was that my dad for some reason expected me, at 9, to tell my mom that my stepmother was moving in with us and later that she was pregnant. I was so anxious to discuss something like that with my mom that I held out for way too long and by the time she found out, she was upset with ME for keeping something so important from her. Many other times had to do with money, from the simple ("does your dad intend to pay for that field trip?") to the important ("tell your mom it's her turn to pay for college tuition this year."). I always felt caught in the middle and I hated it. So whatever you do, communicate directly with your ex, never through your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The number one thing, looking back, is that I wish they had not made me shuffle between their houses every week (one week with dad, one week with mom). It left me feeling like I had no real home and was just living out of a duffel bag.

+1. Our schedule was 2 days, 2 days, 5 days, 5 days and it SUCKED. My friends' parents would even comment to me that it was so hard to try to make playdates with me because of my schedule. That's a lot for an 8 year old.

I'll also agree with the unpopular opinion on remarriage.

Don't use your kid as your therapist.

Don't point out things you dislike about your ex and then identify that trait in your child. To their face.

Put them away, but keep the photos. I'm always intrigued to look at them and think that, once upon a time, my parents could be in the same room and smiling.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was two (I am not 35). I recently acquired their wedding album when my grandparents passed away and their house was cleaned out. I really treasure it and didn't realize how meaningful it was to me until I had it. So definitely don't throw away the pictures.

Don't trash talk each other. Ever, for any reason. Swallow it in. Don't punish them for loving their parent. I've been running interference between my parents in some respect for three decades and I am over it. I have resented them both at different times for the situations they put me in.

I don't really think family dinners are necessary (and likely will start to drift anyway when you both eventually move on and potentially remarry). But I think finding a way to coexist in the same physical space pleasantly (not just neutrally if possible) is something your children will be extremely grateful for. Every time they need to be in the same room for something (my wedding/graduation/children't baptisms/whatever) it is tense and stressful for me. And not just wondering if they'll snap at each other there but monitoring to see if they're doing anything in the moment that the other one will spend the next six months complaining about.

And learn how to do these things early. My parents have actually gotten better recently. But I still viscerally react to them saying anything about the other and at events when both are present because of how traumatic these things were when I was a teen.

Be reasonable and accepting about holidays and grandchildren as they age. And as they get married. At some point your kids will be juggling the desires of four families (you, dad, ILs, their own nuclear unit), it won't feel fair and equitable but they didn't get divorced, you did, and part of the price you pay is not getting as many holidays with them as other parents do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The number one thing, looking back, is that I wish they had not made me shuffle between their houses every week (one week with dad, one week with mom). It left me feeling like I had no real home and was just living out of a duffel bag.

+1. Our schedule was 2 days, 2 days, 5 days, 5 days and it SUCKED. My friends' parents would even comment to me that it was so hard to try to make playdates with me because of my schedule. That's a lot for an 8 year old.

I'll also agree with the unpopular opinion on remarriage.

Don't use your kid as your therapist.

Don't point out things you dislike about your ex and then identify that trait in your child. To their face.

Put them away, but keep the photos. I'm always intrigued to look at them and think that, once upon a time, my parents could be in the same room and smiling.

FWIW I am the child of an acrimonious divorce and strongly disagree on not remarrying (barring situations like remarrying someone terrible who isn't nice to your kids). Sure yes in the moment it is difficult to figure out how to manage step parents and step families. But my parents both remarried and my stepdad died. And my dad is happy and there is someone there to take care of him and be responsible for him. His happiness is not on my shoulders. My mom on the other hand has no one now and it is really stressful on myself and my siblings to know how to help and support her. Remarrying, especially if you do so responsibly and don't neglect your first family as a result, is an investment in your children being adults.

Everything else this person said I agree with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 5 and while I think overall they did a good job of maintaining civility and didn't badmouth each other to me, the thing that affected me most in a negative way was them using me as a conduit for communication rather than communicating with each other directly. One example I remember vividly was that my dad for some reason expected me, at 9, to tell my mom that my stepmother was moving in with us and later that she was pregnant. I was so anxious to discuss something like that with my mom that I held out for way too long and by the time she found out, she was upset with ME for keeping something so important from her. Many other times had to do with money, from the simple ("does your dad intend to pay for that field trip?") to the important ("tell your mom it's her turn to pay for college tuition this year."). I always felt caught in the middle and I hated it. So whatever you do, communicate directly with your ex, never through your kids.

So awful. I'm sorry they put you through this.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you everyone for the discussion. I appreciate all of the insights from your experiences!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The number one thing, looking back, is that I wish they had not made me shuffle between their houses every week (one week with dad, one week with mom). It left me feeling like I had no real home and was just living out of a duffel bag.

+1. Our schedule was 2 days, 2 days, 5 days, 5 days and it SUCKED. My friends' parents would even comment to me that it was so hard to try to make playdates with me because of my schedule. That's a lot for an 8 year old.

I'll also agree with the unpopular opinion on remarriage.

Don't use your kid as your therapist.

Don't point out things you dislike about your ex and then identify that trait in your child. To their face.

Put them away, but keep the photos. I'm always intrigued to look at them and think that, once upon a time, my parents could be in the same room and smiling.

How hard is it for the other parent to forward the email saying Larla is being asked for a play date. This is your day so please coordinate or decline.

As a stepparent if I have both addresses, I sent things like invitations to both parents since many would not work together.

Parenting with a every other weekend and 6 weeks summer is pointless. That's your favorite uncle situation, not a parent. At that point, just terminate the parents rights so everyone can move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The number one thing, looking back, is that I wish they had not made me shuffle between their houses every week (one week with dad, one week with mom). It left me feeling like I had no real home and was just living out of a duffel bag.

+1. Our schedule was 2 days, 2 days, 5 days, 5 days and it SUCKED. My friends' parents would even comment to me that it was so hard to try to make playdates with me because of my schedule. That's a lot for an 8 year old.

I'll also agree with the unpopular opinion on remarriage.

Don't use your kid as your therapist.

Don't point out things you dislike about your ex and then identify that trait in your child. To their face.

Put them away, but keep the photos. I'm always intrigued to look at them and think that, once upon a time, my parents could be in the same room and smiling.

How hard is it for the other parent to forward the email saying Larla is being asked for a play date. This is your day so please coordinate or decline.

As a stepparent if I have both addresses, I sent things like invitations to both parents since many would not work together.

Parenting with a every other weekend and 6 weeks summer is pointless. That's your favorite uncle situation, not a parent. At that point, just terminate the parents rights so everyone can move on.

You are very wrong. Plus logistically speaking divorced parents are not always able to remain within a 10 min drive from each other. 50/50 custody is not always possible when one parent gets relocated for work or various other life situations.

[Anonymous]

My DD had a friend whose parents divorced & they a)kept the family home & b)got a condo relatively nearby (also in DMV). Then the parents, not the child, rotated. So the parents had to live out of a bag, not their DD. I think it was big of the adults to do this.

I am also a child of divorce, although my parents didn't split until I was in college. I cannot agree enough with PPs that it would help tremendously if the adults involved could be present in the same space without acrimony so that all future events (graduations, marriages, etc.) were not fraught with tension. One of my best friends splits 50:50 custody with her ex of their 16yo DC & they have worked so hard to become amicable. I am so proud of her/them. They will likely know I'm talking about them here bz it's such a telling detail, but they all (exes + new spouses + DC) attend trivia nights together as a team. +1000 for this couple, who are definitely doing this for the kids (it took awhile, but nobody wanted to live with bitterness).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The number one thing, looking back, is that I wish they had not made me shuffle between their houses every week (one week with dad, one week with mom). It left me feeling like I had no real home and was just living out of a duffel bag.

+1. Our schedule was 2 days, 2 days, 5 days, 5 days and it SUCKED. My friends' parents would even comment to me that it was so hard to try to make playdates with me because of my schedule. That's a lot for an 8 year old.

I'll also agree with the unpopular opinion on remarriage.

Don't use your kid as your therapist.

Don't point out things you dislike about your ex and then identify that trait in your child. To their face.

Put them away, but keep the photos. I'm always intrigued to look at them and think that, once upon a time, my parents could be in the same room and smiling.

How hard is it for the other parent to forward the email saying Larla is being asked for a play date. This is your day so please coordinate or decline.

As a stepparent if I have both addresses, I sent things like invitations to both parents since many would not work together.

Parenting with a every other weekend and 6 weeks summer is pointless. That's your favorite uncle situation, not a parent. At that point, just terminate the parents rights so everyone can move on.

You are very wrong. Plus logistically speaking divorced parents are not always able to remain within a 10 min drive from each other. 50/50 custody is not always possible when one parent gets relocated for work or various other life situations.

No, I am not. My husband has several kids. It was completely pointless especially when its so easy for mom to deny visits. Dad becomes a child support check. If a parent moves away with a child, the other parent should get all summer and every holiday. If the reality is the one parent rarely or never sees the child, the rights should be terminated and the custodial parent should be 100% responsible. We got sued by someone after one of the kids did something really stupid. The judge threw out the part of suing us but went after mom as she had custody but it was a huge mess and cost us a lot of money. Mom refused visits and Dad was a child support check as the courts would not uphold visitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD had a friend whose parents divorced & they a)kept the family home & b)got a condo relatively nearby (also in DMV). Then the parents, not the child, rotated. So the parents had to live out of a bag, not their DD. I think it was big of the adults to do this.

I am also a child of divorce, although my parents didn't split until I was in college. I cannot agree enough with PPs that it would help tremendously if the adults involved could be present in the same space without acrimony so that all future events (graduations, marriages, etc.) were not fraught with tension. One of my best friends splits 50:50 custody with her ex of their 16yo DC & they have worked so hard to become amicable. I am so proud of her/them. They will likely know I'm talking about them here bz it's such a telling detail, but they all (exes + new spouses + DC) attend trivia nights together as a team. +1000 for this couple, who are definitely doing this for the kids (it took awhile, but nobody wanted to live with bitterness).

OP here. We have talked about us rotating in and out for the sake of the kids. I worry a lot about how soon to be ex would respect and maintain mutual shared space. One of my concerns would be that whichever parent is in the family home with the kids has to take time away from the kids for cleaning/laundry/grocery shopping etc. I know that is real life for any parent but I hate that bc my ex decided to split, I only get to see my kids 50% of the time. I'd like that time I do get with them to be focused on them, not on cleaning and shopping or potentially reversing anything he may not have attended to while with them.