If your parents divorced when you were young-

[Anonymous]

What do you wish they had done differently, if anything? Or what did they get right?

I never speak ill of my soon to be ex to my children, but is there anything else to think of so I can start on the right foot for them? I've notified school and day care in case anything arises.

Secondarily, did you retain (or wish you had any) family photos of when your parents were together?

My spouse left our marriage without communication or effort. He treats our young children well (they are just turning 4 and 6) and shares custody. Now, going through our old stuff, I don't know what to do with printed family photos of all of us together. I have so much anger and no desire to keep them for myself. Do I toss them in the trash or will my kids one day want to see photos of us all together? I recognize they are young enough that in the future, they may not have a lot of memory of us all together.

I don't have a lot of context for divorce from friends I grew up with so any insight from your experience is helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I should add that right now we are trying to have family dinners once per week, based on his suggestion. We've done two since he's moved out and I find them painful due to the circumstances of how things ended, especially the one at his new place. I'm trying but still on the fence about the value.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a child of divorce, but I am divorced and I kept all our old family photos. My kids like to look at them every now and then. Those things happened, and it's worth keeping a record of them.

[Anonymous]

Skip the family dinners but definitely keep the photos. What is the custody split? Best thing you can do is coparent. Be cordial and flexible. Also, don’t bring boyfriends around unless your considering marrying them.

[Anonymous]

There was a thread about this last week.

Keep the pictures. If you need to put them away for now, that’s OK.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure about the family dinners but stick the photos in an album for the future. My MIL hates her ex, my FIL, but she saved the vacation photo albums from when DH was a baby and toddler. DH still talks about the only vacation he remembers them taking together. There is no way he actually remembers but I’m sure he looked at those albums a lot. She brings them out sometimes to show our kids and they love seeing their grandparents when they were young. They don’t think anything that they were all together in the photos and now they are not.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was about 2.5 or 3 and my mom remarried when I was 4. My dad never remarried and died when I was 14.

I have zero pictures of them together and until your post I had never really thought about it--though I had thought about the fact I don't have any pictures of me with either of my parents. As the youngest, I just don't have a lot of pictures, period.

Number one thing I wish they had done differently (I'm pointing the finger primarily at my mom since she was the driver of the communication) is communicate at all, and to do so respectably. My mom regularly trashed talked my dad and then sent me to his house every other weekend. It created a lot of conflicting feelings and made it extremely hard to build a relationship with him until I was 14 (and then he died a couple of months later.)

If they could have been in the same room together and spoken civilly to each other, it would have gone a very long way toward helping me to navigate my difficult family life, and it would have gone a long way toward making me feel loved and cared for.

Even after my sister died when I was 8, and my mom and stepdad adopted her infant, my dad wouldn't go into our house to see the baby. We just had to watch out the window to see when he arrived and if I thought about it (at 8-9 yrs old) I'd take the baby out and hold her up for him to see--his own grandchild! Of his dead daughter!

I know the dinner thing is painful for you, but if you get to a point where it doesn't hurt so much, even if it's only once a month, I think it would be a good thing for your kids. Maybe you could go out to eat or in nice weather on a picnic instead of each others homes? That way you're on neutral ground.

Whether or not you feel able to do the dinner thing (I completely understand why you wouldn't want to, especially at first) keep not trash talking your ex. Half his DNA is your kids and it really hurts to have someone you love and resemble maligned. Help your kids to give gifts for birthday and Christmas and keep your ex in the loop about school functions. If my parents had even been mature enough to attend parent night at school, or a softball game or something, it would have been great.

[Anonymous]

I wish they divorced earlier so things were less ugly.

I do have plenty of photos and I cherish them. Even if my parents wish they divorced earlier, their years together were my childhood and they weren't so bad (and plenty of things happened that were not about them). I like having the pictures, and I like that they are together in family photos later.

Differently:

* making every holiday through my 40s a challenge for me. Someone was always angry and feeling slighted. Now, here I am a middle aged woman who pretty much hates all holidays because they make me just a bit nauseous.

* made their mantra "it is not about me, it is not about me. Somehow they even made our family health issues about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should add that right now we are trying to have family dinners once per week, based on his suggestion. We've done two since he's moved out and I find them painful due to the circumstances of how things ended, especially the one at his new place. I'm trying but still on the fence about the value.

pick a more neutral place and give it time.

[Anonymous]

The number one thing, looking back, is that I wish they had not made me shuffle between their houses every week (one week with dad, one week with mom). It left me feeling like I had no real home and was just living out of a duffel bag.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry. This is tough stuff.

My parents split when we were 2 and 4. Divorce was final two years later. I wish they had talked about it. I had no idea what was going on. Since my parents said very little, I thought there was shame around the split and never initiated conversation. But I did want to know things and I did have questions.

My parents were also deeply committed to not speaking poorly about the other. But this backfired a bit. One of my parents was depressed and not fully emotionally present. I wish we had confronted that as a family and that the parent who did not have physical custody the majority of the time had been more vocal about what healthy living looks like; that could have been done without throwing the other parent entirely under the bus.

Make an effort to keep play dates and social commitments for your children no matter which parent they are staying with. Divorce was very socially isolating for me even though I didn’t change schools or primary residences. Being “away” on weekends and the pressure for quality family time really separated me from peers. The feeling of being a single parent stressed my mom and she didn’t want to drive me to see friends when I was an early adolescent. It was a lonely existence.

Do keep the photos. Now that I’m nearly 40, I’m curious to see photos of my parents in their 20’s and 30’s. Unfortunately, most of them have been trashed.

[Anonymous]

Introduce your children to the idea of chosen family. Help them to cultivate relationships with trusted adults who might be neighbors, congregation members, parents’ colleagues, etc. That extended, loving family means so much when one’s own family isn’t getting along perfectly.

[Anonymous]

I wish they hadn’t remarried. It’s probably not a popular stance but true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish they hadn’t remarried. It’s probably not a popular stance but true.

Agree. At least wait a couple yrs and focus on your kids before getting into a serious relationship and making another family.

Do not talk poorly about other parent or the other parent’s significant other. Do not make your child feel guilty for any reason related to their relationship with ex-spouse or partner.

No not discuss money, child support, or court issues with your child. Unless there is a reason you need to bring it up, if so, use facts and not feelings/judgments/name calling

Do not fight spouse in court over petty things.


Act like civil adults that are cordial to each other. You don’t need to have family dinners, but be able to have a conversation about your children with up yelling and swearing and hanging up. Be able to be in the same room without making your kids tense and uncomfortable. Be supportive of each other. It is in your best interest and your children’s best interest for your spouse to be successful and stable.

As for pictures, my parents kept some of us all together and I found them a bit bothersome and uncomfortable. Since all of memories are of them fighting and hating each other’s guts in the most awful ways. I may have a couple family photos stored away but I don’t display them and would not at all care if I didn’t have them. I would keep a couple around for your kids, but I don’t think you are obligated to keep them all or your wedding album.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The number one thing, looking back, is that I wish they had not made me shuffle between their houses every week (one week with dad, one week with mom). It left me feeling like I had no real home and was just living out of a duffel bag.

If you are still checking this thread, do you mind sharing what would have been preferred? The only friend I have with divorced parents who I really know well told me that his parents divorced when he was 12 or so and he told them he would not swap houses. He stayed solely at his mom's but maintained a great relationship with his dad and his dad picked him up from and dropped him off at his mom's but they went on outings. It seems that would pose a lot of logistical challenges as well- like if certain nights were dad's night to hang out, but there was homework or some other thing, then he still might have had to get driven to his dad's house or whatever to work on it. I am going to ask...