Got an apology from my ex who dumped me for my best friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am single and dating and got out of a long term relationship 1 year ago. I looked at his profile and he put he is single. I am going home for Thanksgiving. He is attractive but hooking up with him is not something I have considered with our messy history.

I was thinking of responding by saying if you have something to get off your chest go ahead and write it and that I did not think we had anything to discuss in person and leave it alone.

OP I'm a lot older than you are and been through the mill a few times. Just know this: Once someone shows you who they are, believe them. This ex has shown to be a cheat. There is really nothing more he can say that can change the facts. You don't need to meet with him; that only benefits him and puts you at risk.

There is a danger with exes; here it is: Unlike a new person, with an ex, you have a huge history, complete with emotionally charged memories and feelings, already stored away in your brain. All that emotion and connection has been locked down through suffering and time. But it's still there and can be unlocked. That is why, when vulnerable for whatever reason, married folks who would never cheat with someone they met after marriage, can fall back in love with the ex that they were in love with before they met their current spouse.

So the reason to stay away is the combination that 1) that the ex can be a danger in opening all that up again, AND 2) the ex is a cheater and leopards don't change their spots.

As for your best friend...it will be interesting to see how your friendship goes over the years. I just gave up my 30 yr. best friend....because a leopard doesn't change her spots. (it had nothing to do with cheating but everything to do with a type of selfishness that she never grew out of. We just weren't often in the situation where that could be (accidentally) tested)

[Anonymous]

Or he was an addict and is in a 12-step program. One of the steps is making amends to all the people you hurt along the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There is a danger with exes; here it is: Unlike a new person, with an ex, you have a huge history, complete with emotionally charged memories and feelings, already stored away in your brain. All that emotion and connection has been locked down through suffering and time. But it's still there and can be unlocked. That is why, when vulnerable for whatever reason, married folks who would never cheat with someone they met after marriage, can fall back in love with the ex that they were in love with before they met their current spouse.

So true. Many of my APs over the years have been exes. It's easy to start up again because our past history means we were comfortable with each other.

[Anonymous]

If hes still single, it's clear his other relationships didnt work out. Hes also shown you he's capable of cheating. Why on earth are you drawn to him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There is a danger with exes; here it is: Unlike a new person, with an ex, you have a huge history, complete with emotionally charged memories and feelings, already stored away in your brain. All that emotion and connection has been locked down through suffering and time. But it's still there and can be unlocked. That is why, when vulnerable for whatever reason, married folks who would never cheat with someone they met after marriage, can fall back in love with the ex that they were in love with before they met their current spouse.

So true. Many of my APs over the years have been exes. It's easy to start up again because our past history means we were comfortable with each other.

Wow! You are either quite the hunter, or really easy...

[Anonymous]

I’m quite a bit older than you, OP. Here’s my advice: first, you got an apology, which is rare. I think back on guys who broke my heart like this and they never came back later and apologized.

Second, I disagree with the PPs who say he wants to have sex with you. That’s possible, but it sounds to me like he just feels guilty and wants to unload the guilt.

I think he’s dredging this up with you because it bothers him.
Reaching out to you at this point is for HIM, not for you. He’s thinking of himself. How can he alleviate his guilt? How can he make himself feel better? That’s what he’s thinking.

If you were both single then maybe he also wants to get back together but how could you trust him?

If I were you I’d send him a note telling him how he hurt you and how you’ve moved on, and then end contact.

[Anonymous]

This is another selfish move on his part. He’s shown you that he has no boundaries and no moral code, why would you want to deal with someone like that. Don’t associate sex to him or you’ll end up hooking up.

Not only he cheated on you but he did it with your best friend. It’s f$&@ed up, I don’t care how old he was at the time.

If he really wanted to apologize, he would have done it via fb way before meeting you in person, but no, all of a sudden, he wanted to apologize after he saw how great your life is. It’s all about his ego, he wants to know that despite all the pain he put you through he can get you again + free easy sex.

You need to rise above this sh*t, you’re awesome and have no time for him. Next!

[Anonymous]

He cheated on you more than 10 years ago, when you were in high school. I bet you did some stupid things back at that age that you wouldn't do now -- I know I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He cheated on you more than 10 years ago, when you were in high school. I bet you did some stupid things back at that age that you wouldn't do now -- I know I did.

Don't listen to this. Cheating with your best friend is rotten, rotten, rotten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He cheated on you more than 10 years ago, when you were in high school. I bet you did some stupid things back at that age that you wouldn't do now -- I know I did.

Please provide examples of stupid things people do and that are at the same level as cheating on someone with their best friend.

[Anonymous]

He probably regrets it but you have all the control right now. I would just tell him no thanks and move on blissfully knowing he knows I could not care less about him and have a great life that doesn’t need to include him.

[Anonymous]

OP be honest. Did you come here for advice to pursue this or you need us to convince you not to do it?

Everyone else gave you reasons not to pursue. Many likely projecting from their own experiences.

I was a pp on page 1. I would only suggest meeting him again if you're strong enough to do so. You ended a relationship a year ago. You transferred to a new school because of the heartache. My gut says you're too vulnerable. I might be wrong. If you meet, eyes wide open, can you handle it? Are you looking for you forever relationship (assuming your 28)?

[Anonymous]

Woman her in her 50's here!
Dang OP! You handled that situation like a BOSS!
My heart is swelling with pride.
Please do not give him the time of day. He really has shown you exactly who he is. Please do not let him occupy space in your head and heart again.
Dang! So proud of you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's single he is interested in rekindling something. He's stuck back in your home town and is looking for a way out. Just give him a polite no thanks.

A million times this.

Bravo, op! You have really grown as a person. Don’t go turning back the clock with this guy.

[Anonymous]

I see two choices here:

1. You have better things to think about.

2. String him alone, make him chase you, then let him down brutally hard (payback).