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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP- my husband left me 3 weeks ago.

Similar to your situation, however he did cheat years ago.  We never addressed it.  I let resentment build and it destroyed us.

If I could go back and re-do I would in a heart beat.

You have that chance I didn’t get.  Tell him what you wrote here.  Make an honest go of getting back to a better couple/partner.

I do wish I could.
 
Good luck.[/quote]

Or, you could look at it like.... years ago he cheated and he never came clean about it.  Why do you take his cheating on as your responsibility?  Your DH cheated and never had the courage to come forward and explain his problems in the relationship and solve them.  You are not responsible for his behavior even though it has an impact on you.

I hope that you find a better partner next time around.

OP, you don't even know if your DH has cheated (although I think gut instinct is often right).  The question is really only about YOU.  You know you are behaving inappropriately in the relationship.  I advise YOU to go to therapy and get a grip on why YOU are behaving this way.  Why did you give up focusing on your own life and focus on your joint life instead?  Why are you pushing him about hobbies and other areas of his life which should be more or less up to him (is he doing hobbies to the exclusion of responsibilities?)  Is your desire for a 5 year plan reasonable -- if you are pushing to buy a house or plan for retirement, then I'd say, yes!

While you're doing therapy, please do a 180.  Focus on yourself and let your husband take care of himself.  Make an effort to be positive and kind, even when you aren't receiving the same (it's not about what he is giving you and what he deserves back, it's about the kind of person YOU want to be).

In about 6 months, after you've done some work on yourself, you should talk with your therapist about how to incorporate your DH into the process.  Think through with your therapist -- are the two of you fundamentally incompatible?  Is there some space to change the negative patterns of the relationship -- if so, fess up to therapy and tell him you are unhappy about the negative cycle, realize your contribution to it, but since it's a cycle you both need to work on it.  [/quote]

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