My kid dislikes my good friends' kid

[Anonymous]

FWIW, my daughter stopped being friends with someone (she's one of two kids in her class she's known since first grade, and they had been friends for years), not because she was mean to her, but because she was not nice to others. After talking to her about what exactly she meant by that, I fully supported her in her decision. She has to be civil and polite, but she doesn't have to be friends with her.

[Anonymous]

This relationship dynamics will be constant in your entire life. You will not always like your children's friends and vice versa. And some kids are quick with identifying who they don't and can't along with, especially if they are mean kids.

Figure out a way to meet without the kids. Not sure how you can handle it with the friend but hopefully your friend is aware that her child is not on the nice side. Many parents don't see their child as a trouble maker.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't get involved with your daughter's management of her school social life.

By the way, kids who don't appear nice are actually vulnerable to bullying. What to a 1st grader appears as "not nice" can actually be lack of social skills. Then the other kids are mean back, and it becomes a downward spiral.

Ultimately, if you're more interested in judging this kid and his parents than being supportive, probably best to just fade the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are 6-7 and in 1st grade. Great friends with one family. They have a son, who had a rough year last year in K. Bad teacher, they moved him to my kid's class with a good teacher. The bad teacher just disappeared with the school giving various excuses for her sudden departure mid-year and split all the kids up. They decided to try a private school this year, it didn't work out, so he's back in my daughters 1st grade class at her table. I was excited, because these are good friends of ours. But whatever has happened, DD says he's the worst thing that has happened this year so far and she greatly dislikes him. He's not a bully, but she says he's not nice to other kids.

I know his parents are doing everything they can to support him, they are 100% involved. I felt myself starting to make excuses for him, telling DD he had a rough year last year, and I know his parents really love him and are working on it.

Then I realized that I have to be on my kid's team. She doesn't like this kid, this kid is being mean to other kids. She needs the message that I'm on her side. If she doesn't want to be around this kid, then she doesn't have to be around him. Regardless whether or not I'm friends with his parents or not.

Other similar stories/perspectives appreciated.

This strikes me as really inappropriate and not helpful. Why would you tell your daughter "his parents love him and are working on it" and private information about his previous year? That's a great way to further stigmatize the boy and set him up for even more social rejection. Better to not interfere with your daughter's social life. If she dislikes him, she dislikes him. If she wants to move tables, let her move tables. But the fact that she dislikes him does not mean he's a bad kid; he may in fact be the one getting bullied and isolated. It seems like you're vacillating between two equally unhelpful approaches of treating your daughter like an adult and expecting her to act a certain way because "his parents really love him," and entering into the social world of 6 year olds.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has a kid that's not everyone's cup of tea (though nothing significant like it seems like this kid is dealing with - how does a private school not work out 2 weeks into the school year?), I don't really get the issue. Do you spend a lot of time with the family in general? Is he actively pursuing spending time with her at school? Generally around this age boys and girls split up organically....

Why do you need to tell her anything? What am I missing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't get involved with your daughter's management of her school social life.

By the way, kids who don't appear nice are actually vulnerable to bullying. What to a 1st grader appears as "not nice" can actually be lack of social skills. Then the other kids are mean back, and it becomes a downward spiral.

Ultimately, if you're more interested in judging this kid and his parents than being supportive, probably best to just fade the friendship.

Why is it often left up to the nice kids, and the parents of nice kids, to bend over backwards for the not nice kids? There frequently (not always) seems to be a correlation between the kids with behavior problems and the entitled parents who are full of excuses for them.

There is never an excuse to be unkind to someone. But my child does not have to go out of her way to befriend another child who isn’t nice, especially if/when the dynamic is a nice girl and a badly behaved boy. I will not teach my daughter that she has to excuse the behavior, or try to rationalize it, or put his comfort above her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't get involved with your daughter's management of her school social life.

By the way, kids who don't appear nice are actually vulnerable to bullying. What to a 1st grader appears as "not nice" can actually be lack of social skills. Then the other kids are mean back, and it becomes a downward spiral.

Ultimately, if you're more interested in judging this kid and his parents than being supportive, probably best to just fade the friendship.

Why is it often left up to the nice kids, and the parents of nice kids, to bend over backwards for the not nice kids? There frequently (not always) seems to be a correlation between the kids with behavior problems and the entitled parents who are full of excuses for them.

There is never an excuse to be unkind to someone. But my child does not have to go out of her way to befriend another child who isn’t nice, especially if/when the dynamic is a nice girl and a badly behaved boy. I will not teach my daughter that she has to excuse the behavior, or try to rationalize it, or put his comfort above her own.

Way to miss the point, which is that what other kids call "not nice" can actually be a lack of social skills or social oddness, which then creates more isolation and bullying of the "not nice" kid. Newsflash - kids don't get bullied because they appear nice and socially in step. They get bullied because they seem vulnerable, odd, or out-of-step, which can appear or be called "not nice."

But yeah, if you want to get on your high horse about your "nice" kid, then you should probably not try to stay friends with the "not nice" kid's parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't get involved with your daughter's management of her school social life.

By the way, kids who don't appear nice are actually vulnerable to bullying. What to a 1st grader appears as "not nice" can actually be lack of social skills. Then the other kids are mean back, and it becomes a downward spiral.

Ultimately, if you're more interested in judging this kid and his parents than being supportive, probably best to just fade the friendship.

Why is it often left up to the nice kids, and the parents of nice kids, to bend over backwards for the not nice kids? There frequently (not always) seems to be a correlation between the kids with behavior problems and the entitled parents who are full of excuses for them.

There is never an excuse to be unkind to someone. But my child does not have to go out of her way to befriend another child who isn’t nice, especially if/when the dynamic is a nice girl and a badly behaved boy. I will not teach my daughter that she has to excuse the behavior, or try to rationalize it, or put his comfort above her own.

Way to miss the point, which is that what other kids call "not nice" can actually be a lack of social skills or social oddness, which then creates more isolation and bullying of the "not nice" kid. Newsflash - kids don't get bullied because they appear nice and socially in step. They get bullied because they seem vulnerable, odd, or out-of-step, which can appear or be called "not nice."

But yeah, if you want to get on your high horse about your "nice" kid, then you should probably not try to stay friends with the "not nice" kid's parents.

(oh, and in case the point wasn't clear -- I wasn't saying that your kid is under some obligation to befriend anyone she doesn't want to, nice or otherwise. Just that you may not want to assume that the "nice" kids are actually being nice all the time; and you may not want to assume that the kid they claim is "not nice" is just a jerk doing it to be a jerk. The picture is much more complex than that. But I get that you're much more interested in reveling in your perfect child, and kicking the parents of kids who are struggling.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't get involved with your daughter's management of her school social life.

By the way, kids who don't appear nice are actually vulnerable to bullying. What to a 1st grader appears as "not nice" can actually be lack of social skills. Then the other kids are mean back, and it becomes a downward spiral.

Ultimately, if you're more interested in judging this kid and his parents than being supportive, probably best to just fade the friendship.

Why is it often left up to the nice kids, and the parents of nice kids, to bend over backwards for the not nice kids? There frequently (not always) seems to be a correlation between the kids with behavior problems and the entitled parents who are full of excuses for them.

There is never an excuse to be unkind to someone. But my child does not have to go out of her way to befriend another child who isn’t nice, especially if/when the dynamic is a nice girl and a badly behaved boy. I will not teach my daughter that she has to excuse the behavior, or try to rationalize it, or put his comfort above her own.

Also, there's mostly no such thing as a "nice" kid and a "not nice" kid. Almost all 6 year olds are sometimes nice and sometimes not. My BFF complained about a particular kid in her son's class SO MUCH when they were 5 and 6 and 7. These two kids were oil and water, and I bet she would have described the other kid as "not nice." Now, at 10, the kids are friends. Both kids have grown up and learned social skills and become more flexible and have overlapping interests now. Kids are kids. They learn and grow at different rates and they have different skills and struggles. A kid who is not being nice right now might be your friend 3 years down the road. You don't have to spend extra time together, but you do have to be polite and it can't help to remember that kids change and a kid you don't get along with this year could be a good friend in the future.

[Anonymous]

My friendships trump my kids preferences especially as a 7 year old. Kids that age notoriously dislike the other gender for the most part. I’d tell my daughter that she doesn’t have to be his friend - at school or outside of school - but I’m still going to invite this family over and do things with them. She is welcome to find her own things to do during that time like draw, and I will support her in that, but life is about dealing with ppl you don’t like sometimes. I would give my friends a heads up too that she isn’t feeling the friendship. That is ok.

I can’t imagine cutting out family friends bc my child wanted me too lol. Good lord.

[Anonymous]

Can you go volunteer in class and watch the dynamic? See for yourself. But yes, respect that your kid can like and dislike different things/people from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friendships trump my kids preferences especially as a 7 year old. Kids that age notoriously dislike the other gender for the most part. I’d tell my daughter that she doesn’t have to be his friend - at school or outside of school - but I’m still going to invite this family over and do things with them. She is welcome to find her own things to do during that time like draw, and I will support her in that, but life is about dealing with ppl you don’t like sometimes. I would give my friends a heads up too that she isn’t feeling the friendship. That is ok.

I can’t imagine cutting out family friends bc my child wanted me too lol. Good lord.

But she's 6!

[Anonymous]

I've definitely stopped being friends with people whose kids socially rejected my kids in K. Teaching and encouraging ostracizing behavior is not cool.

That being said, it all comes down to what the "mean" behavior actually is. Kids that age are stupid. You're the adult. Find out what "mean" actually means before making the situation worse. The boy may be mean but so might the girl and so might neither. Descriptive adjectives are not a 6 year olds strongsuit. Trust but verify.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've definitely stopped being friends with people whose kids socially rejected my kids in K. Teaching and encouraging ostracizing behavior is not cool.

That being said, it all comes down to what the "mean" behavior actually is. Kids that age are stupid. You're the adult. Find out what "mean" actually means before making the situation worse. The boy may be mean but so might the girl and so might neither. Descriptive adjectives are not a 6 year olds strongsuit. Trust but verify.[/]
you stopped
Being friends
With adults because your kids not get along in kindergarten?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've definitely stopped being friends with people whose kids socially rejected my kids in K. Teaching and encouraging ostracizing behavior is not cool.

That being said, it all comes down to what the "mean" behavior actually is. Kids that age are stupid. You're the adult. Find out what "mean" actually means before making the situation worse. The boy may be mean but so might the girl and so might neither. Descriptive adjectives are not a 6 year olds strongsuit. Trust but verify.[/]
you stopped
Being friends
With adults because your kids not get along in kindergarten?

Parents whose kids socially ostracized mine