My kid dislikes my good friends' kid
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Anonymous
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Kids are 6-7 and in 1st grade. Great friends with one family. They have a son, who had a rough year last year in K. Bad teacher, they moved him to my kid's class with a good teacher. The bad teacher just disappeared with the school giving various excuses for her sudden departure mid-year and split all the kids up. They decided to try a private school this year, it didn't work out, so he's back in my daughters 1st grade class at her table. I was excited, because these are good friends of ours. But whatever has happened, DD says he's the worst thing that has happened this year so far and she greatly dislikes him. He's not a bully, but she says he's not nice to other kids.
I know his parents are doing everything they can to support him, they are 100% involved. I felt myself starting to make excuses for him, telling DD he had a rough year last year, and I know his parents really love him and are working on it. Then I realized that I have to be on my kid's team. She doesn't like this kid, this kid is being mean to other kids. She needs the message that I'm on her side. If she doesn't want to be around this kid, then she doesn't have to be around him. Regardless whether or not I'm friends with his parents or not. Other similar stories/perspectives appreciated. |
Anonymous
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My husband has a friend and I don’t mesh with his wife. I’m cordial when we have to be together in a group setting, but I appreciate that my husband doesn’t try to force a “double date” type friendship.
Empathize with your child. |
Anonymous
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See your friend for lunch without the kids. On the rare occasions he’s there, your DD might actually realize he behaves better in a smaller setting. |
Anonymous
| She will not welcome additional time outside of school with him involved. Respect that to an extent. I made a compromise with my child. I make every other visit with my best friend not involve her being there. |
Anonymous
| See your adult friend at other times |
Anonymous
| Your compromise sounds about right. I have a similar situation. I explained to my child that my friendship with the adult will continue. DS does not have to be friends with the adult's child. He does, however, have to be polite. I try to see my friend without the kids involved as much as possible. When the kids are involved, I tell my DS that I expect him to do the best he can for that short amount of time. I tell him that my friendships are important, just like his are important to him. |
Anonymous
| We have a level of friends that are like Aunt/uncles. Their kids are treated like cousins. I would advise my child they do not have to be best friends, but they are basic family and we will look out for, help when we can, take care of and be polite. If these people aren’t family then should should be kind/polite/ inclusive when possible |
Anonymous
I'd be cautious about this report. The other kid is new to the class and your kid "greatly dislikes him" and reports "he's not nice." That might be true, and that might be a bunch of kids picking on the new kid, with your daughter following along. |
Anonymous
| Interesting point by the pp ^^. Insist that your DD be polite and limit their interaction. If your friend asks, tell her your DD is only interested in girl friends these days. |
Anonymous
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I would ask for specifics as to what he does that is mean.
If she really can't stand him I think its ok to ask a teacher to move the tables around. You can't do much about her being in his class but I would do limited stuff with them together. WE have friends like this. The other family are actually our kids Godparents and would get DD if something happened to us. But her kids are both very needy and the one that is her age is only a totally different level from DD. We do still see them sometimes and the kids are fine. But we pulled back from seeing them on a weekly basis. |
Anonymous
Listen, the common denominator here is the kid. He didn’t do well with the first teacher, he didn’t do well with the private school and he’s not doing well in your daughter’s class. Instead of making excuses for why every single situation was someone else’s fault, maybe accept that this kid has some ownership over his behavior. Advocate for your daughter. If your daughter was complaining about any other kid who couldn’t behave in 3 different classrooms before he landed at her table, would you really tell her to be more supportive? Come on. Ask the teacher to move your kid. See your friend on your own. |
Anonymous
+1. Maybe he’ll grow out of it and they’ll get along later, but he’s bad news right now and you’re correct to support your daughter. |
Anonymous
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I'm in this situation with a couple of friends. As my daughter gets older, she just really doesn't want to hang out with their kids anymore, for a variety of reasons. I hang out with friends when we're sans kids, or when there's an activity where the kids only have to interact a little. (like a movie.)
My daughter also dislikes a couple of "very annoying boys" in her class, and our rule is that she has to be polite/civil. She doesn't have to hang out with anyone she doesn't like. |
Anonymous
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That’s about the age when kids group off into single sex playgroups. Use that as an excuse. I’d speak privately to the teacher and ask that the child he moved from your daughters table.
Does he have any special needs? That’s a lot of movement for one kid in a year. Maybe he needs some counseling. |
Anonymous
That's interesting because I read the bolded and had the opposite thought -- that this kid might be picking on OP's kid personally but she knows Mom likes his mom and she's giving this report as a way to test the waters and see if Mom will defend him/if she'd even be receptive to hearing something other than praise of her friend's kid. OP make sure your kid knows that you don't expect her to befriend a mean kid because you like his mom. |