When one parent works nights and weekends -what to do

[Anonymous]

This is the muscle through it time. Just know it will get better. I used to SAHM then work all weekend, service industry. My partner travels for work on multi week/multi weekend trips. Once kids were bigger I switched to weekdays and some weekend hours. It’s a grind. He’s still away for weeks at a time. You just kind of have to figure out what’s important with the chores. It’s ok to pare down.

I do get resentful sometimes when I’m exhausted, but it passes. Building a network of sitters and families you can trade childcare with is pretty critical. Also building in some kid free time that isn’t household related is as well. I’ve done a drop off sitter and gone home to take a bath/nap/Netflix/read. It helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did it and so did 2 of my neighbors.

My H was a cop so no making bank but he did all the laundry and grocery shopping. The house was clean when I got home.

My other neighbor was a SAhM and her H left on Monday’s, travelled and came home on Friday night. So he wasn’t there to do household work but she was a SAHM so I guess she was cool with him doing nothing but the lawn, etc. we had a deal where I took her kids to the park when I got home since I was anxious to see my kids and she needed a break. I did that about twice a week for 2ish hours. I got home from work between 3-4.

The 3rd was a man and his wife a caterer.

Truthfully none of us ever felt overwhelmed unless kids were sick.

I felt to was much easier the nights my H was gone. Dinner could be pasta with butter and peas. Or chicken and rice with fruit. Or a yogurt granola bowl with fruit. I didn’t have to have complex meals. I personally loved bedtime since I didn’t have to rush because my H was “waiting” for me... like most traditional settings. Also my H could do all the doctors appointments and run errand during the day. He also volunteered at school/preschool. I am verybsocial so I could go to parties and cookouts without him feeling put out .. he is more introverted.

dp what does this mean?

My guy neighbors loved it because nobody second guessed his parenting all the time.

I think what you need to change is your respective. Find the upsides. And your H needs to do more during his non working hours.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single parent so this is normal life to me but I can see how it would be a hard adjustment if you've never done it before. My DS started doing his own laundry when he was 8 so you can start teaching your 7 year old how to do it. The two older kids can help with emptying the dishwasher (just have stools around for them). They can help with other tasks too like picking up toys, bringing down upstairs trashcans on trash day, helping to bring in groceries, etc. If you have the money (I don't), hire someone to clean the house as often as you can afford. People say that it is awesome to come home to a clean house. If not, clean one area per weekend. This weekend, I am doing the bathrooms. Last weekend, I did the basement. If you have the money, have groceries delivered. Put a time limit on what you will do at night after the kids go to bed. I made sure my son's and my lunch were packed and that we had clothes ready for the next day. I often left the sink full of dinner dishes. I would wash them the next evening when I was making dinner. Not ideal but sleep is important. My son started making his lunch in 3rd grade. Now that he is in HS, I give him one a set amount of $ per month in his school lunch account to spend however he wants but I won't nag him to make his lunch. When the money runs out, it's up to him to make his own lunch. It will take time to get used to it but your goal is not perfection. Just prioritize what you need for the next day and got from there. GL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? He need to fix this. It’s unreasonable for him to have this schedule while the kids are young. He needs to get better at his job or be making enough money that he’s hiring babysitters, meal services, cleaners, etc.

This shows how very out of touch the DCUM crowd is with the real world. How do you think wives of firefighters, police, paramedics, medical professionals, etc. deal? Get a clue, lady.

Or husbands! There are female firefighters, police, paramedics, medical professionals, etc.

You sound like you are stuck in the 1950s.

[Anonymous]

I (wife) work evenings and weekends. I am a personal trainer and that is when i have clients. I work all day Saturdays; it's my heaviest client load of the week (6am -5pm, generally.) I do not work Sundays. I love my hours. I love the freedom of days free with no traffic to run errands and do my own 2-hour workouts, or to schedule the plumber without taking time off from work.

Husband has more of a traditional 8-5 job, M-F . He takes the kids to Saturday sports and music lessons, and he does fix-it work around the house. That is really his stress-buster. He loves his workbench in the garage.

We have 3 kids. DH and I negotiate each week -- depending on my client schedules -- who will do what, when. It works. We do have a cleaner 1x per week, or we would go insane. I tell my DH we would be spending a lot more than that on therapy.

I don't take clients til about 4pm on weekdays so my friendships/social life are with those zillions of people like me who do not work traditional 8-5 jobs (i would go crazy if i had to sit at a desk and work those hours. I am an active person.) There is an entire universe of us out there with unscheduled day-times.

I tell my husband if i did work Sundays we could easily put the kids thru college. It's a lot of money I am turning down but it is the only day of the week we can be together as a family. We go hiking, or to an activity in DC, or apple picking and the like. Always, always our family day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every single parent ever does it & so can you. Pull it together. Good luck.

Yup. My sister was single parent(and teacher!) from the time her daughter was 18 months old. My sis did every single thing that needed to be done for her daughter and around the house. After teaching other people's kids all day long. Women are amazing.

[Anonymous]

My brother has worked 2nd shift all his adult life. As he says, "I work 3-11, and i sleep 3-11." He has always been a night owl.


His wife leaves the dinner dishes for him to clean up as she and the kids are asleep by the time he gets home at 11:30pm. Several days a week though he first goes to the 24-hour gym as soon as he leaves work at 11pm. He also cleans up the breakfast dishes and gets dinner preparations going when he wakes up at 11am. All his wife needs to do when she gets home from her 8-4 job is heat up whatever he has prepared.

It has worked for them for 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Ughh...I’m sorry, OP. You truly have the worst of both worlds with a spouse around who is creating a mess, eating the food you buy or prepare, and counting on you for emotional support, but you don’t have any of the help around the house/childcare and trade off with emotional support for yourself that normally comes with that. You have neither the help of a partner nor the freedom of being on your own. That sucks.

Plus is sounds like you don’t have a very predictable schedule, so the things people are suggesting like getting a sitter a couple of hours a week or planning a dinner/play date with another solo parent might be really hard to schedule. And you might find out at the last minute that your husband’s business doesn’t need him then, and this is your opportunity for family time. Or even that he is just hanging around and feeling in the way.

I don’t know what to tell you except that this sounds really hard. I agree that you should push him to find something else or else look at cutting back significantly so that you can SAH for a couple of years. I do think it will start to feel easier when kids are school aged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? He need to fix this. It’s unreasonable for him to have this schedule while the kids are young. He needs to get better at his job or be making enough money that he’s hiring babysitters, meal services, cleaners, etc.

This shows how very out of touch the DCUM crowd is with the real world. How do you think wives of firefighters, police, paramedics, medical professionals, etc. deal? Get a clue, lady.

You forgot to mention chefs. They work long hours and always work holidays. Their wives are essentially single parents. All the other professions you mentioned have it far easier: union jobs have better hours. All the cops I know in moco moonlight with side gigs (which indicates they aren't working crazy hours).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? He need to fix this. It’s unreasonable for him to have this schedule while the kids are young. He needs to get better at his job or be making enough money that he’s hiring babysitters, meal services, cleaners, etc.

This shows how very out of touch the DCUM crowd is with the real world. How do you think wives of firefighters, police, paramedics, medical professionals, etc. deal? Get a clue, lady.

You forgot to mention chefs. They work long hours and always work holidays. Their wives are essentially single parents. All the other professions you mentioned have it far easier: union jobs have better hours. All the cops I know in moco moonlight with side gigs (which indicates they aren't working crazy hours).

And airline mechanics! My friend's husband is one. He works the craziest hours you can imagine. often has to go to work at 1am. Often gets flown to another city on the spur of the moment to fix a plane. He has worked every holiday since he became a certified airline mechanic at age 21.

She has her own business and works 12-7, 4 days a week. She takes the kids to school in the morning and they go to their grandmothers house after school til mom gets home around 8pm. The mechanic husband is great around the house and with cooking whenever he is not working his crazy airline hours.

The trade-off is that due to her husband's job they can fly anywhere in the world nearly for free. They do, however, have to pay $75 if they wish to fly first class. <grin>

[Anonymous]

OP. I have four kids and a husband who travels for weeks at a time for his job. My main advice is for you to do some thinking about what would feel sustainable and enjoyable for you as a mom and to just make that happen. When my kids were little, there were a group of us who knew where all the 'kids eat free' places were and would organize 'Daddyless Dinners" (I know that sounds really sexist...) once a week when a few of us had husbands away or working. I went to the gym and utilized the child care room there - by going to classes, I socialized with people which was a bonus. I hired a babysitter once a week to either go to book club, girls' activity (or date night if DH was around). Would go for walks/ meet at the local playground, etc.

If you don't start creating a life that less dependent on your DH being there, you're just going to get in a downward spiral of resentment. If you can 'fill your bucket' a bit without him, you'll have a lot more reserves to enjoy the time you do have with him.

Good luck. Hang in there - definitely gets easier when the kids are older.

[Anonymous]

OP, your situation sucks and you and DH need to talk about why you are carrying so much of the family work right now. If it’s because you both agree that it’s important that DH invest so much time in his business now, then so be it. But you both have to agree on the distribution of labor and it sounds like you aren’t on board with how things are currently divided.

Don’t listen to the people who imply that you should put up with the burden of all house/child work because that’s what single parents do. You are not a single parent. You have a spouse who has responsibilities to work but also to the kids and household. You and DH need to agree on how to balance work and home responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

The two of you have to decide what is right for you. My dh works mostly evenings and weekends for months at a time. I work a fairly set schedule, we both commute more than 40 min to work. When my kids were little, it was tough. He is in charge every morning so I can leave for work early. I am alone with kids every evening and most weekends. It was exhausting when they were little and I didn’t plan much because it was hard to get us all out the door. As they grew they were also responsible for more age appropriate chores. Now, they are pre-teen and the three of us do our chores on a weekend morning and fit in the rest of our activities. Just seems so normal, dh and I have been married and doing this schedule for 18 years. We have made it work, sometimes there are not too many options, he loves his job and I am willing to support that. Just as he supports me in my job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? He need to fix this. It’s unreasonable for him to have this schedule while the kids are young. He needs to get better at his job or be making enough money that he’s hiring babysitters, meal services, cleaners, etc.

This shows how very out of touch the DCUM crowd is with the real world. How do you think wives of firefighters, police, paramedics, medical professionals, etc. deal? Get a clue, lady.

I have never met a firefighter/police officer/nurse/doctor who never had a day off. OPs DH works weekends AND weekdays well into the evening. This is not sustainable. Time to have a conversation about priorities and looking for a new job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? He need to fix this. It’s unreasonable for him to have this schedule while the kids are young. He needs to get better at his job or be making enough money that he’s hiring babysitters, meal services, cleaners, etc.

This shows how very out of touch the DCUM crowd is with the real world. How do you think wives of firefighters, police, paramedics, medical professionals, etc. deal? Get a clue, lady.

I have never met a firefighter/police officer/nurse/doctor who never had a day off. OPs DH works weekends AND weekdays well into the evening. This is not sustainable. Time to have a conversation about priorities and looking for a new job.

It’s his own business starting up. A conversation about a new job may not go so well. May be about finding solutions to be there more.