When one parent works nights and weekends -what to do

[Anonymous]

Anyone in a similar boat who can share advice? We have young kids and both work, no family near by. I have a more traditional (but flexible) desk job. DH owns his own business and works a lot of nights and weekends to keep it going. Plus he works regular daytime hours most days too. I’m often alone with the kids four or five nights a week, plus most weekend days, and it’s just exhausting, particularly all the chores at the end of the day (cooking, cleaning up, bedtime, all the laundry that seems to pile everywhere!). I know I could outsource more. But what is best? Also how do I keep from resenting DH and his work, which he loves so much? He is a very involved and loving father and husband when he’s around.

[Anonymous]

I didn't work when my son was little for this reason. It was helpful in some ways (gave us maximum amount of family time) but sucked in other ways (the days were long and I was lonely) Ultimately I went back to work full time for a few years before deciding to go part-time. Our child is in school now but this schedule allows me time to do more errands and prep while he is in school.

[Anonymous]

Honestly? He need to fix this. It’s unreasonable for him to have this schedule while the kids are young. He needs to get better at his job or be making enough money that he’s hiring babysitters, meal services, cleaners, etc.

[Anonymous]

We are a 2 Mom family. I work 6am-6pm rotating schedule and work every other weekend. DW works 4pm-midnight mostly Mon thru Fri but also one weekend every 6 weeks. As far as the drudgery of house stuff, you need to outsource. We have a cleaner every 2 weeks but ince a week would be ideal if you can afford it. Socially you need to find other people with shift working spouses. Ine of my good friends is a nurse and her husband is a firefighter so they also have wacky schedules . Find stuff to do with the kids on the weekend without DH. My FIL babysits once or rwuce a month in the evening so i can go out with friends or do whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? He need to fix this. It’s unreasonable for him to have this schedule while the kids are young. He needs to get better at his job or be making enough money that he’s hiring babysitters, meal services, cleaners, etc.

If he isn’t clearing serious bank, this is a bad deal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are a 2 Mom family. I work 6am-6pm rotating schedule and work every other weekend. DW works 4pm-midnight mostly Mon thru Fri but also one weekend every 6 weeks. As far as the drudgery of house stuff, you need to outsource. We have a cleaner every 2 weeks but ince a week would be ideal if you can afford it. Socially you need to find other people with shift working spouses. Ine of my good friends is a nurse and her husband is a firefighter so they also have wacky schedules . Find stuff to do with the kids on the weekend without DH. My FIL babysits once or rwuce a month in the evening so i can go out with friends or do whatever.

First PP here, ITA, It can sometimes be hard to find people but it is crucial to have people you can hang out with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? He need to fix this. It’s unreasonable for him to have this schedule while the kids are young. He needs to get better at his job or be making enough money that he’s hiring babysitters, meal services, cleaners, etc.

This shows how very out of touch the DCUM crowd is with the real world. How do you think wives of firefighters, police, paramedics, medical professionals, etc. deal? Get a clue, lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? He need to fix this. It’s unreasonable for him to have this schedule while the kids are young. He needs to get better at his job or be making enough money that he’s hiring babysitters, meal services, cleaners, etc.

+1 I’m sorry op, this sounds really hard but for me I’d have a long convo with my husband about how this is impacting me and the family in general, reflect on our family’s long term goals and come up with a plan together to get to a place where he’s at a minimum engaging in weekends more. This set up isn’t good for anyone long term. He might not be able to make the changes immediately, but if you can come up with a game plan for how to get there (hiring x number of people for example, or even making less next year because he takes weekends off, whatever it takes, you have to balance all the things) than at least you’d have something to work towards and know it’s temporary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? He need to fix this. It’s unreasonable for him to have this schedule while the kids are young. He needs to get better at his job or be making enough money that he’s hiring babysitters, meal services, cleaners, etc.

This shows how very out of touch the DCUM crowd is with the real world. How do you think wives of firefighters, police, paramedics, medical professionals, etc. deal? Get a clue, lady.

This isn’t that situation though. And the firefighters and police I know don’t work 14 hour days 7 days a week which is what op is talking about so I’m not sure what you’re getting at here in that sense. He owns his own business so has some control over this, she didn’t say anything about needing a certain level of income from this and the way she talks about how he loves his job it made it sound a bit like a choice.

Of course there are many many people in our country that are forced to work multiple jobs on very difficult schedules and do not have these choices but that isn’t the scenario we’re talking about based on the op.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? When mine were 3 and 5, my dh worked out of state for nearly a year. I had a high school girl who would watch the kids for me nearly every Saturday morning. She usually took them to the park to play for a couple of hours, and I would get my “me time”. I honestly don’t think I’d have gotten through that year without her!

[Anonymous]

He needs to hire some help.

[Anonymous]

My dad worked nights and weekends for most of my childhood. She had a lot of friends who either also had shiftwork husbands, or husbands who were fine hanging out at home alone, or were single. We went out to dinner every Friday night with another mom and kid and then we all went grocery shopping. My mom took me out to eat a lot (which I loved) or my dad would cook dinner and leave it.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Kids are 7, 4, and 1. Love the idea of finding other shiftwork families. Also I should note that The business is still pretty new, and DH is making progress toward being home more when the rest of us are home. He has hired help, for example, and he’s getting to be more available for swaths of time of the weekend, just never the full day. I think it will continue to improve, but do to the nature of it (think hospitality), he will never be fully free nights and weekends.

[Anonymous]

I did it and so did 2 of my neighbors.

My H was a cop so no making bank but he did all the laundry and grocery shopping. The house was clean when I got home.

My other neighbor was a SAhM and her H left on Monday’s, travelled and came home on Friday night. So he wasn’t there to do household work but she was a SAHM so I guess she was cool with him doing nothing but the lawn, etc. we had a deal where I took her kids to the park when I got home since I was anxious to see my kids and she needed a break. I did that about twice a week for 2ish hours. I got home from work between 3-4.

The 3rd was a man and his wife a caterer.

Truthfully none of us ever felt overwhelmed unless kids were sick.

I felt to was much easier the nights my H was gone. Dinner could be pasta with butter and peas. Or chicken and rice with fruit. Or a yogurt granola bowl with fruit. I didn’t have to have complex meals. I personally loved bedtime since I didn’t have to rush because my H was “waiting” for me... like most traditional settings. Also my H could do all the doctors appointments and run errand during the day. He also volunteered at school/preschool. I am verybsocial so I could go to parties and cookouts without him feeling put out .. he is more introverted.

My guy neighbors loved it because nobody second guessed his parenting all the time.

I think what you need to change is your respective. Find the upsides. And your H needs to do more during his non working hours.

[Anonymous]

Every single parent ever does it & so can you. Pull it together. Good luck.