How did you go NC with your estranged parent?
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Anonymous
NP. What? There are many terrible therapists. The above advice is very wise as a bad one could do more harm than good. |
Anonymous
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No contact is no contact. You block numbers and social media. Ignore mail and packages. Don’t return to sender, as that’s a form of feedback; just bin it. No need to move. Just don’t answer the door. Contact the local police in advance if you think she might call for a welfare check or use false pretenses to access your home. You can’t control other people and how they interact with your mom. If they are truly your close friends, give a brief explanation of what’s going on and let them decide what they need to do.
Expect that your mom might rage or might make an attempt to hoover you in following no contact. It will be hard initially. Then you might get a period of peace, depending on her personality and behavior patterns. |
Anonymous
New poster. I'm thinking about going NC too but am worried about giving in to my mom when she's dying from one of her 1001 medical ailments. I dont want it to be a bluff though. |
Anonymous
| Very few DCUMers will have any advice to share. They're more willing to put up with crazy parents in anticipation of inheritance. If they dont get any or what they expect, then they'll post on DCUM about awful parents who treated them badly in life and in death ? |
Anonymous
Maybe. But I once read an article that talked about how people that had loving parents and a stable emotional relationship with them are much less likely to support someone who needs to go NC with their own parents. They just can’t comprehend the kind of abuse and toxicity that’s being described because it’s such a foreign concept to them, so they think there’s something wrong with anyone who wants to cut off their relationship with their parents. |
Anonymous
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OP, accept there will be fallout and you may lose contact with some extended family. Do not send the letter. If you want to text or say something like, "This isn't working-we don't have a good dynamic, please don't contact me/us and respect my/our space" to preempt a welfare check, sure. Keep the proof that you told them not to contact you.
We went from gray rock and slow fade to full-on ghosting/NC after multiple attempts to mediate the issue(s) failed. Every time, the other person became even more abusive and explosive and then raged for hours. I contacted experienced therapists, lawyers, and trusted faith leaders. The lawyers validated that it was abuse and severe enough to qualify for an order of protection. I maintained a journal of interactions and proof of abuse as well. The therapists were helpful in identifying underlying dynamics that contributed to the environment that allowed the bad behavior to flourish and to starve the fire by depriving it of oxygen. The faith leaders were helpful for relieving the guilt of cutting off family member(s) and encouraged going NC. It is helpful to have external opinions (and possibly validation) of an abusive situation and we did not enter into it lightly because we *knew* that they had been spreading lies and rumours preemptively to turn other family members against us so if/when they decided to discard then they would still have their supply/enablers safely in hand. I started with the immediate family, the kids, and friends. Whenever it is brought up, we address it head-on. "XYZ has been really hostile/abusive/whatever and after XYZ situation we realized it was never going to improve even though we tried to work it out. We aren't going to be around XYZ any more but are happy to see you without them". And that's it. Or a shorter version: "We aren't compatible so we aren't seeing/talking to them [right now]". Don't tolerate people who gaslight you into thinking you don't know what you're doing, that it was a joke or their behavior is just done out of concern. As an adult and the person who lived the experience (repeatedly), commit to your decision and shut them down, dropping them if they refuse to respect it, hassle you about it, or are just gathering information to feed back to the person cut off. To our surprise, a large number of the extended family was very supportive of going NC and urged us to stay strong and do what they didn't have the strength or courage to do when they were in the same situation (they moved away but still suffer through a few large family events per year bc their SO was not willing to go NC from VVLC). We got a lot of pressure and abuse but also support. Our only regret it that we didn't do it sooner. We blocked or changed numbers and did not update them. We did not respond to packages. We filtered their emails to a special folder so we didn't see them but kept proof and/or created a new email address. We added security cameras and refused to answer the door. We declined or ignored invitations where we knew they would be in attendance. We educated ourselves on the relevant personality disorders involved and made sure to go over what was a healthy vs unhealthy relationship with our children, including an inalienable bill of rights in any relationship. We also accepted the fallout (and loss of inheritance) because self-respect, our health, and setting a good example to our children and siblings was worth it. We realized the people who continued to support the abuser(s) were also participating in gaslighting, enabling, and other nastiness and we were happier without them. |
Anonymous
| 13:17 again-Just make sure it is worth it and don't go back on your word once you go NC. Waffling is the worst thing you can do. |
Anonymous
| NP here. This may or may work for you but I actually just disappeared on my narc mom. The last time she called, my housemate picked up and told her I wasn't living there anymore. It helps that I'm living in Europe and she doesn't know how to use the Internet to email or buy a plane ticket. I never told her my workplace or any other details so it made it quite easy for me. I actually wonder sometimes if she's alive but I remind myself that that shouldn't matter because I have no interest in communicating again. |
Anonymous
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I kinda fell into NC. First I blocked her number for a week to give myself a break. Then it was so much nicer living that way that one week became two weeks. And so on.
We still get the occasional “crazy gram” in the mail, but it has dropped off quite a bit over time. You’ve gotta be a black hole. No responses at all, even to implore them to stop. |
Anonymous
| DH has given up on dad and step mom. They were unreasonable about a situation. He has tried to reach out, but the are stubborn and still unreasonable so we don't call them and they don't call us. Its sad. |
Anonymous
| It's also possible to make a parent go no contact with you if you scare them off enough. In my case, I started interrogating my mother about the time she used me as bait for a pedophile coworker because we were strapped for cash. Even though he gave her some money when I pretended to fall sick, she was mad after the fact as I hadn't thought of getting him to pay our phone bills...and I was 12! It freaked her to be reminded of her psycho abuse and eventually she stopped calling. |
Anonymous
| My brother blocked my mother on his phone and email. He told her why he was going NC via text. It’s been a year and a half, and she still tries to get info and messages through my sister and I. She will push particularly hard every few months, and explode when I tell her she has no choice but to respect his boundaries. We’re supportive of my brother’s decision, and do what we can to help him. |
Anonymous
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I went NC years ago (almost 20 now), and as strange as it sounds, I just did it. I changed my phone number and moved on with my life. It sounds cold, but I knew it was her or me.. her constant phone calls and narcissism (although she has borderline, not narcissistic disorder) were either going to best me, or I was going to get control of my life back. I had already reduced contact from her, and lived 1500mi away, so it was a fairly easy transition.
When social media took over, I just deleted her messages (sent via PM). I have all my settings at private. |
Anonymous
This is the best way to do it. Lots of drama involved in telling your parents you want "no contact" with them. Be prepared for other members of the family to take sides, question you, etc. |
Anonymous
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Don't respond, don't respond, don't respond, don't respond. There will be a thousand and one excuses to contact you. DON'T RESPOND.
Also be prepared to lose friends and siblings. I didn't want to convince anyone of my side, so I lost a lot. I kept my dignity and integrity, though. Some people -- BPL types -- really freak out if they're abandoned and will try to eviscerate you and turn everyone against you. So be it. Don't be that way back. Life is 100,000 times better now. Best decision I ever made, bar none. |