Reply to How did you go NC with your estranged parent?

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "How did you go NC with your estranged parent? "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]OP, accept there will be fallout and you may lose contact with some extended family. Do not send the letter. If you want to text or say something like, "This isn't working-we don't have a good dynamic, please don't contact me/us and respect my/our space" to preempt a welfare check, sure. Keep the proof that you told them not to contact you.

We went from gray rock and slow fade to full-on ghosting/NC after multiple attempts to mediate the issue(s) failed. Every time, the other person became even more abusive and explosive and then raged for hours.

I contacted experienced therapists, lawyers, and trusted faith leaders. The lawyers validated that it was abuse and severe enough to qualify for an order of protection. I maintained a journal of interactions and proof of abuse as well.

The therapists were helpful in identifying underlying dynamics that contributed to the environment that allowed the bad behavior to flourish and to starve the fire by depriving it of oxygen. The faith leaders were helpful for relieving the guilt of cutting off family member(s) and encouraged going NC.

It is helpful to have external opinions (and possibly validation) of an abusive situation and we did not enter into it lightly because we *knew* that they had been spreading lies and rumours preemptively to turn other family members against us so if/when they decided to discard then they would still have their supply/enablers safely in hand.

I started with the immediate family, the kids, and friends. Whenever it is brought up, we address it head-on. "XYZ has been really hostile/abusive/whatever and after XYZ situation we realized it was never going to improve even though we tried to work it out. We aren't going to be around XYZ any more but are happy to see you without them". And that's it. Or a shorter version: "We aren't compatible so we aren't seeing/talking to them [right now]".

Don't tolerate people who gaslight you into thinking you don't know what you're doing, that it was a joke or their behavior is just done out of concern. As an adult and the person who lived the experience (repeatedly), commit to your decision and shut them down, dropping them if they refuse to respect it, hassle you about it, or are just gathering information to feed back to the person cut off.

To our surprise, a large number of the extended family was very supportive of going NC and urged us to stay strong and do what they didn't have the strength or courage to do when they were in the same situation (they moved away but still suffer through a few large family events per year bc their SO was not willing to go NC from VVLC).

We got a lot of pressure and abuse but also support. Our only regret it that we didn't do it sooner.

We blocked or changed numbers and did not update them. We did not respond to packages. 
We filtered their emails to a special folder so we didn't see them but kept proof and/or created a new email address.
We added security cameras and refused to answer the door. 
We declined or ignored invitations where we knew they would be in attendance.
 
We educated ourselves on the relevant personality disorders involved and made sure to go over what was a healthy vs unhealthy relationship with our children, including an inalienable bill of rights in any relationship.

We also accepted the fallout (and loss of inheritance) because self-respect, our health, and setting a good example to our children and siblings was worth it.

We realized the people who continued to support the abuser(s) were also participating in gaslighting, enabling, and other nastiness and we were happier without them. 
[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics