Reassuring DD about inevitable scar after surgery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, PPs. (And I'm sorry for what your kids went through.) The doctor said that the scar will be permanent and there's nothing that can really be done about it afterward or down the road. I will definitely add the "bad ass/survivor" view to our conversation!

He sounds like a real peach. Is getting a plastic surgeon involved an option?

And while it may always be there, I will echo the other PP - staying out of the sun and religiously using Maderma and Vitamin E for a long time does help.

For telling the truth? What exactly do you expect him to do?

I would like him to recognize he's talking to a 10 yo, and act accordingly. Which it doesn't sound like he did.

He might be doing the reverse psych thing where he's saying it'll be worse than it'll reallly be.

[Anonymous]

My DD has this also. Scars all over her legs. They faded actually. And there’s scar reduction with a plastic surgeon. It’s not bad really. They turned pale eventually. I’m sorry your DD is going through this.

[Anonymous]

This is just about building confidence and like everything else, accepting imperfection. It is just a scar on her arm, that's it. There is so much more to life and being a person than having perfect skin or physical appearance. Not something to make a big deal over from your end or else it gives her the sense that there is something wrong with not having a perfect appearance. A good chance for her to build character and not be shallow / superficial.

I say this as someone who had surgeries that left scars - including one at age 11.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may or may not be useful and appropriate for your daughter, but it can be good to see role models who are out there doing their thing and being happy about it.

For example, the incomparable Padma Lakshmi, who has a 7 inch scar from elbow to shoulder that she now dresses to highlight, not hide.



Why Padma Lakshmi Isn't Afraid to Show Her Scars Anymore
https://www.self.com/story/why-padma-lakshmi-isnt-afraid-to-show-her-scars-anymore

Padma Lakshmi Won't Hide Her Scar from Cameras
https://www.bravotv.com/the-daily-dish/padma-lakshmi-wont-hide-her-scar-from-cameras

Padma Lakshmi Loves her Scar (video)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCLg0ChDsGA

I was totally thinking of Parma myself!

[Anonymous]

I need to learn how to copy images, but look up Princess Eugenie, who wanted to show her surgical scar in her wedding dress. A real Princess!

https://qz.com/quartzy/1422949/princess-eugenie-wanted-wedding-dress-to-show-scoliosis-back-scar/

[Anonymous]

I have significant scars after a childhood accident. Plastic surgery was then (and is now) not an option because of the types of scaring and their placement. Anyway, I was bemoaning one scar in particular one day. My mom told me I could have scars and be glad to be alive or I could have no scars because I'd be dead. I got her point. Toughen up buttercup.

[Anonymous]

Another celebrity/society example - Princess Eugenie had her wedding dress designed deliberately to show her scar from scoliosis surgery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she has an imagination, allow her to make up fun/funny stories about how she got the scar. Shark attack. Alligator feeding.

NP here - That is exactly what we did. My daughter had surgery on her spine in 8th grade and decided to be very creative about the stories about her scar. She is now proud of it and never shies away from showing it off.

[Anonymous]

I had surgery on my face when I was 12. Had a scab then scar for awhile. It's now pretty faded except for the area on my eyebrow.

People have really good advice here. But I'd also add that I appreciated that my parents were honest. Yes, there were going to be mean kids who may tease me. And they helped me prepare to deal with it. All in all, other than the initial whispers and kids wanting to see the incision, there were only 2 girls that made fun of me (at least that i was aware of). But I dealt with it well and it had no lasting issues.

[Anonymous]

My daughter has a significant scar on her shoulder. Plastic surgeon was involved (they called him to close the wound after the surgery was done), but it didn’t work out the way we hoped. At the time I told her that when she grows up, she can get the most amazing tattoo. She is now 17, she looks at tattoo designs once in a blue moon, but otherwise her life is unaffected, she wears strapless dresses and doesn’t spend any time thinking about it. The most important thing is that the surgery achieved its purpose.

[Anonymous]

I had chest surgery at age 12 and have a large scar. My mom made a big deal of dressing me to hide it, talking about what I couldn't wear -- don't do that. It's ok for your DD to "grieve" her scar-less skin but help her move on and feel normal about it. Everybody who has lived a while has scars.

Also, it will look bad at first (red and puffy) but over time it will settle down and fade. Maybe find photos online of how scars age.

Sun protection and Mederma will help it fade as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Curious why, OP. If you don’t mind sharing. My mom had a torn rotator cuff and bicep reattachment surgery and her scar is hardly noticeable. It wasn’t laparoscopic either. If you’re willing to share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious why, OP. If you don’t mind sharing. My mom had a torn rotator cuff and bicep reattachment surgery and her scar is hardly noticeable. It wasn’t laparoscopic either. If you’re willing to share.

Of course! She’s having a 1-2” diameter round section of her arm excised, and he said he has to pull her skin taut over the spot to close it up. He said the scar will be long and indicated 4-5 inches, and he said the scar will be thick and indicated about 1/4”. He said it wouldn’t be a candidate for any kind of cosmetic remediation procedure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious why, OP. If you don’t mind sharing. My mom had a torn rotator cuff and bicep reattachment surgery and her scar is hardly noticeable. It wasn’t laparoscopic either. If you’re willing to share.

Of course! She’s having a 1-2” diameter round section of her arm excised, and he said he has to pull her skin taut over the spot to close it up. He said the scar will be long and indicated 4-5 inches, and he said the scar will be thick and indicated about 1/4”. He said it wouldn’t be a candidate for any kind of cosmetic remediation procedure.

Not available now, but who knows what will develop in 5-10 years. Meanwhile, she should use one or more of the suggestions above. I agree scars show you lived.

[Anonymous]

I have a scar on my abdomen from skin cancer removal. I let my kids see it and tell them I’ll wear a two piece swimsuit just to show it off (okay, not really, I’m beyond the bikini phase of life). It’s all about declaring the scar evidence of you being stronger than the (whatever necessitated the scar) and it is simply part of what makes you YOU.

If at all helpful, my son’s 11 year old classmate has a scar on her forehead that I’m sure she hates. She doesn’t realize that scar makes her interesting and unique and compelling in a way she never would have been without that awesome scar.