Confront DH about his antics or wait it out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you do not have explicit agreement between you regarding opening the marriage one way or the other, then this is something to address.

The point is (presumably) to keep the two of you together an both happy. It's not to shame him like a puppy, but to bring you back closer together. It's hard to keep strong emotions out of this, but try -- you can talk about being upset, but try to deal with the storms of it yourself.

"Hey, I saw a woman looking at you a certain way in the pictures. I looked her up, and she's posted pictures of you with her arms around you. Then I saw the text on your phone. We have to talk about this. What's going on?"

Then listen. Try to ep your mouth shut. Almost certainly there will be minimization and justification. Ask him if he would be okay with you doing the same with someone at a reunion, and then following up with similar texts about needing a cold shower after he sends you revealing pictures.

Maybe he'll say he would. At that point you have to have a discussion about whether this is the kind of relationship you signed up for, and if the goalposts have moved. If they have, you need to talk about that together.

Yeah, this is my thought. Would he be OK if you sent a picture of yourself in the same pose to an old friend?

[Anonymous]

“What’s going on with bathing suit girl? Is there something I should know?” And then sit back and listen, don’t talk.

[Anonymous]

Put a stop to it immediately. Text her back from his phone or yours introducing yourself as his wife and asking her to stop communicating and sending photos. She'll know then that you are monitoring his phone.

And then immediately talk to him.

OP, this is a snowball that you need to squash before it gets bigger. Please, please don't say, "DH is not the affair type." He's flirting by text with a woman who's sending photos of herself in a bathing suit -- don't be so proud amd assume he wouldn't cheat.

Given the photos from the reunion, I would be worried they'd been communicating beforehand about meeting up.

[Anonymous]

Or put on a bathing suit, stand in the same position in front of DH, ask him to take your picture for you and say you want to send it to an old friend and ask him if he is having a hard day. See how he stammers and tries to explain!!

[Anonymous]

OP: we are late 40s and this situation has totally caught me off guard. I feel disrespected. You hear about people carrying on at HS or college reunions, but not with the kids you were sharing crayons with in the second grade.

He kept in touch with two people from those days through the years and has never brought up contact with anyone else so doubt there was any communication with this woman beforehand.

It is not easy for me to bring this up because he has been a very good husband. But I can also see that as a couple moved through life, sensitive issues need to be discussed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: we are late 40s and this situation has totally caught me off guard. I feel disrespected. You hear about people carrying on at HS or college reunions, but not with the kids you were sharing crayons with in the second grade.

He kept in touch with two people from those days through the years and has never brought up contact with anyone else so doubt there was any communication with this woman beforehand.

It is not easy for me to bring this up because he has been a very good husband. But I can also see that as a couple moved through life, sensitive issues need to be discussed.

Yes! Try to view this as something that often comes up in marriages. (It does, if you are together for a long time -- not always, but certainly often in long marriages.)

You want to know what's going on, so you have to ask and to listen.
You want to move to a better, closer place to him, so you need not to avoid it, but to be clear about how this hurts and confuses and upsets you -- but not with the goal of making him defensive, but the goal of figuring out together how you got there, and how to get to something more secure and intimate together.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

He is on a slippery slope. You know this. Confront.

[Anonymous]

I would confront, but my DH and I are just very open and blunt with each other and have been the entire 20 years we've been together. I think if you cannot be honest with your partner with your feelings that is a big sign something is wrong. OP feels upset about what she saw and read, I would be too. Tell him. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or put on a bathing suit, stand in the same position in front of DH, ask him to take your picture for you and say you want to send it to an old friend and ask him if he is having a hard day. See how he stammers and tries to explain!!

You're my type of gal

[Anonymous]

This woman is a flake and after your husband. The bathing suit thing is really whorish imo. Honestly, I would text her from your husbands phone telling her it's you, and to stop contacting your husband. Fwd that tacky pic of her so she gets the hint. Next talk to your husband about how inappropriate all that is, and communicating with her further is a deal breaker.

OP I don't know what you're afraid of. Talk to your husband nicely, but make it clear. He has been in the wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This woman is a flake and after your husband. The bathing suit thing is really whorish imo. Honestly, I would text her from your husbands phone telling her it's you, and to stop contacting your husband. Fwd that tacky pic of her so she gets the hint. Next talk to your husband about how inappropriate all that is, and communicating with her further is a deal breaker.

OP I don't know what you're afraid of. Talk to your husband nicely, but make it clear. He has been in the wrong.

Nah, not from the wife. Text should be from the husband.

[Anonymous]

Do you want to stay married? Is he worth it? I'd be seeing a lawyer, heck no way is my dh getting bikini pics of women. What is wrong with younger women today?

[Anonymous]

How would waiting this out make it any better?

[Anonymous]

Is she single?

I would screen shot the exchange so you have a record.

[Anonymous]

That is gross. She sounds desperate and washed up. Do not message her. Rise above that. She will be flattered you are feeling threatened by her. Don't give her that sastisfaction.

But DO confront husband. Let him know he is being a pig and not telling this women to stop (or in the least, totally ignoring and not responding to her) is wrong. And playing into her sexual jokes is even worse. Yuck

If he is an otherwise good husband, I hope he realizes this is not funny and is highly offensive to you. Hopefully that is the end of it for both of you.