10 and 7 year olds, New marriage, possible baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe ask Jeff to move this to the parenting - special concerns board for perhaps more compassionate responses

Thank you, I was wondering which thread to post it, Also I think most responses are from the same poster

I'm not sure how to ask Jeff to move it, will he just see this?

OP Should hit report on their initial thread and then make the request. That will go directly to Jeff and he will be able to see that you are the OP making the request

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you earn enough money to support 3 kids.

Who will be the primary caregiver all day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you earn enough money to support 3 kids.

Who will be the primary caregiver all day?

They are in school, I work long hours while they are with their father and short hours when I have them so I can get them to and from school

[Anonymous]

Do you live with your future wife right now?

[Anonymous]

Can you handle three college tuitions? Are you really organized? Can you manage those days when someone has baseball, someone has Scouts, and someone has peewee soccer ? When the youngest hits daycare or preschool, there can often be a window of a year or two when every virus known to man hits your household.

I think the two big issues will be 1) having older kid and younger kid activities going on at the same time, and 2) your wife will only be the legal parent of one of these kids. Can she treat them all the same, or will there be a subtle shift of money and time resources toeard the youngest?

[Anonymous]

I’m too dense to figure out your gender- but if you’re women and want to do ivf there’s a biological push to make this happen soon. If you’re men you have more flexibility if you’re using a GC or going to adopt, but you’re not getting younger.

My oldest is nearly ten and I thank all that is holy that I don’t have a younger kid at my age (42). That is mostly due to where I am in my career versus 10 years ago, but I’m also not in a place mentally or physically where I could go back to sleepless nights.

Were I you, I would focus on how to best integrate my new spouse into my existing family. A baby is exciting but you have to know that the way they would relate to their siblings is much different than if the age difference was smaller. The older sibling will be out of the house when the baby would just be entering elementary.

So, I agree that the kids have enough going on but not because you’re gay- just because that’s a lot of life changes at once.

Congratulations on your marriage.

[Anonymous]

I have a 9yo from my first marriage and a 2yo from my second. My husband and I got together when 9yo was 3, married when she was 5, and had our younger daughter when older DD was 7. I think for me, the biggest issue was that we were totally done with baby stuff and going back was not always great in terms of sleep deprivation and constant attention requirements. For older DD1, we had to be very careful about making sure she didn’t feel neglected in favor of the baby’s needs. To an extent, all families deal with that issue when they add children, but in my experience, making sure that the older child doesn’t feel replaced was extra important. I also definitely felt the pregnancy and infant years more than I did with older DD - I was 37 when DD2 was born and I think physically it was just harder.

[Anonymous]

Wow, just nasties on dcum today! I don't know OP, but I am sure whatever you decide will work out. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you earn enough money to support 3 kids.

Remarriage with existing kids has a high failure rate. It has nothing to do with being same sex. Add the stress of fertility treatments and there’s another reason marriages fail. Not that adoption is simple, but it might be worth looking at for your blended family. It would buy you 2-3 extra years to get settled. Especially the kids. A new stepparent is a lot. Again, the gender of stepparent doesn’t matter. It’s just a change. Adding a newborn sibling in 10-12 months is a huge change. Best wishes!

[Anonymous]

I suggest therapy all around. And not because I necessarily think this is a bad idea - I just think proceed with caution should be the mantra.

I think the biggest challenge will be integrating all three as equal kids. The 10 and 7 year olds are still little and aren't going to be with you 50% of the time. When they come home they can't feel like outsiders.

I mean, in the big scheme of things, plenty of men move on and do this all the time. It might not be that big of a deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, just nasties on dcum today! I don't know OP, but I am sure whatever you decide will work out. Good luck!

I really don’t think people are being nasty. OP is asking the pros and cons of starting a family with a new partner. Some people have said not to do it. They are entitled to their opinions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced with 2 elementary age kids. I'm getting married this year and we have discussed having a baby. We are a same sex couple so obviously this will take some planning, not to mention we will be 39/40 and obviously age makes this more difficult. I'm curious for those of you who have started over with a baby in a second marriage with older kids. How is it, what are the positives and negatives. TIA

You are going two of the most screwed up kids alive! Are you crazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced with 2 elementary age kids. I'm getting married this year and we have discussed having a baby. We are a same sex couple so obviously this will take some planning, not to mention we will be 39/40 and obviously age makes this more difficult. I'm curious for those of you who have started over with a baby in a second marriage with older kids. How is it, what are the positives and negatives. TIA

You are going two of the most screwed up kids alive! Are you crazy?

Heterosexual couples do this all the time. Chill!

[Anonymous]

I did it, but I remarried at 35, so could afford to wait a few years for things to settle. My kids are now 19, 17 and 6. The older kids were already pretty independent when their younger sibling came along, and they were happy to have her. The only issue is that it’s kinda hard to start all over, especially when you originally planned to become an empty nester at 46. Another big disadvantage is that we did not travel with the older kids as much as we’d like... more like not at all. But I figure, they have their whole life to catch up on travel.

[Anonymous]

I am the second wife, had no kids of my own (first marriage for me), met my DSC when they were 5, married when they were 9, had a baby when they were 10 and it was SO HARD on my DSC when we had the baby.

Even though I had known And had a great relationship with my DSC, it made our relationship worse, and really strained his relationship with his father. DSC was also incredibly jealous and not used to sharing his fathers attention with anyone (I would tag along with their stuff or let them do their own thing), and it took almost 2 years for things to hit normal again. DSC loved their new sibling, but it was a very challenging adjustment. Now the baby is 5 yo, and they are lovely together, but the age gap makes it hard to have common interests and activities. DH and I often end up splitting up and he will do something with my DSC and I will do something with the younger child(ren).

So it will change your entire family dynamic and the dynamic with your kids, and there will be some tough moments. I also think that those tough moments change the enjoyment you can feel with the new baby. I felt in some ways that the birth of the new baby was a lot about my DSC, and not just about the new baby. We have had 2 other kids since then, and they were very different because my DSC was at a better place about a new sibling (although they still complained about each one).