How to deal with colleague who calls me "dear"?

[Anonymous]

Experiment with saying "Well, my dear boy....."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“My name is x.”

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“My name is x.”

This.

Although I know SO MANY men that can say that in a condescending and man-splaining way. "Okay, SUSAN, here is the plan. Does that sound okay with you, SUSAN? I want to make sure we're on the same page, SUSAN. Thanks for your time, SUSAN."

I agree wit hthe PPs that say your first step is to say "Please do not call me dear." The next time say "I've asked you not to call me dear. It's sexist and disrespectful." Maybe the third time you say soething like "I'm having trouble understanding why you have such trouble treating me in a respectful manner. It's not that hard." And then you take it to a boss.

[Anonymous]

People using terms of endearment casually is one of my pet peeves. I had a receptionist who called everyone dear and sweetie on the phone. Put a quick stop to that.

I agree with being upfront. I don't think it needs to be confrontational. I would say that " I realize you don't you likely have good intentions or don't even realize you are saying it but I find it uncomfortable when you call me dear. Give him a chance to respond then say thanks for understanding and being responsive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It bothers me as I feel it is condescending, though probably subconsciously. This colleague is one year older than me though always behaves as if he is far older and more experienced than me. He is more senior than me in job title but we currently have the same level of role (he is not my boss and I don't have to answer to him but I have to work with him). He says it to most women but not men. Would you say something? How?

Call him Honey.

And smile

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I think I may not be complaining if I was called chief or boss. "Dear" seems to re-emphasize a subtle (or not so subtle) assumption he has that he is older, wiser, and more experienced than me, which is extra annoying given that he does virtually nothing and thinks he's smarter than everyone.

One extra thing is that I'm currently having some problems with him so I want to time it in a way that doesn't make him assume I'm picking on everything. I do think that someone needs to let him know that using words like that to women only is saying a lot about how he sees the pecking order.

Thanks for all the advice!

You said before he is senior? Is he more experienced vs you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I think I may not be complaining if I was called chief or boss. "Dear" seems to re-emphasize a subtle (or not so subtle) assumption he has that he is older, wiser, and more experienced than me, which is extra annoying given that he does virtually nothing and thinks he's smarter than everyone.

One extra thing is that I'm currently having some problems with him so I want to time it in a way that doesn't make him assume I'm picking on everything. I do think that someone needs to let him know that using words like that to women only is saying a lot about how he sees the pecking order.

Thanks for all the advice!

You said before he is senior? Is he more experienced vs you?

We have different expertise. I worked part time when the kids were young. He didn’t. Common issue, I guess. I would argue that my education and experience are more relevant to the job at hand. He would disagree. He feels threatened, I’m sure, as I am trusted a lot and he isn’t. I am tired of letting things like this go just to keep the peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It bothers me as I feel it is condescending, though probably subconsciously. This colleague is one year older than me though always behaves as if he is far older and more experienced than me. He is more senior than me in job title but we currently have the same level of role (he is not my boss and I don't have to answer to him but I have to work with him). He says it to most women but not men. Would you say something? How?

Call him Honey.

And smile

No. For the umpteenth time, this isn’t how this is handled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It bothers me as I feel it is condescending, though probably subconsciously. This colleague is one year older than me though always behaves as if he is far older and more experienced than me. He is more senior than me in job title but we currently have the same level of role (he is not my boss and I don't have to answer to him but I have to work with him). He says it to most women but not men. Would you say something? How?

Call him Honey.

And smile

No. For the umpteenth time, this isn’t how this is handled.

How would you handle Biden?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It bothers me as I feel it is condescending, though probably subconsciously. This colleague is one year older than me though always behaves as if he is far older and more experienced than me. He is more senior than me in job title but we currently have the same level of role (he is not my boss and I don't have to answer to him but I have to work with him). He says it to most women but not men. Would you say something? How?

Call him Honey.

And smile

No. For the umpteenth time, this isn’t how this is handled.

OP here. Is it that he shouldn’t get away with it so i should be upfront? Or because he could get the wrong message? I actually feel it is an easy way to make the point without showing weakness on my part. I’m a bit confused, though, about the best way forward. And a bit annoyed that it’s something that a lot of women have to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It bothers me as I feel it is condescending, though probably subconsciously. This colleague is one year older than me though always behaves as if he is far older and more experienced than me. He is more senior than me in job title but we currently have the same level of role (he is not my boss and I don't have to answer to him but I have to work with him). He says it to most women but not men. Would you say something? How?

Call him Honey.

And smile

No. For the umpteenth time, this isn’t how this is handled.

OP here. Is it that he shouldn’t get away with it so i should be upfront? Or because he could get the wrong message? I actually feel it is an easy way to make the point without showing weakness on my part. I’m a bit confused, though, about the best way forward. And a bit annoyed that it’s something that a lot of women have to deal with.

It’s that you can be straightforward and simply tell him to stop calling you dear or “My name is Jane.” The response above skirts the issue and makes a silly game out of it. It’s not direct. If one wants to be treated with respect (which is what you’re asking for), then the request has to be made from a place of strength. If it were the first time he said it and you were quick to respond with an “Okay, honey,” that might be different. You’d be handling something with a quick wit and humor. But you didn’t. (And that’s okay.) It’s been going on and you want it to stop. Ask for it without the jokes and smiles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People using terms of endearment casually is one of my pet peeves. I had a receptionist who called everyone dear and sweetie on the phone. Put a quick stop to that.

I agree with being upfront. I don't think it needs to be confrontational. I would say that " I realize you don't you likely have good intentions or don't even realize you are saying it but I find it uncomfortable when you call me dear. Give him a chance to respond then say thanks for understanding and being responsive.

This, especially since you have expressed that you are already upset with him anyway about other things. Recognize that your unhappiness with the other things is causing this disproportionate level of need to respond.

If your other concerns are more legitimately work-related then don't allow this thing to take the focus off of fixing those things because you can easily become the mockery of your work unit (see the post about "... SUSAN," which is an excellent example of how others can soon begin to refer to you if they decide to support him).

Focus on specific, task- or job-related complaints. Once you have successfully reconciled all of those and you are in a more powerful position then go after the little irritants if they still bother you. You will find they likely will have gone away or you don't even think of them because they are so trivial.

[Anonymous]

Excellent advice above and from all. Thank you!
~OP

[Anonymous]

A few years ago I was waiting to go to a meeting with a c-level person but a woman was in his office talking to him. I finally tapped on the ajar door and said “sorry to interrupt but, Steve, we’re going to be late if we don’t get going now.”

The woman (I was about 30, she was about 50) said “oh honey, I didn’t see you there”. I didn’t call her out in front of Steve, and felt strange finding her later, but wish I’d said either in the moment “I prefer X” or found her later and said “when you called me honey earlier it made me think about my past job where I felt really disrespected. Please call me X”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few years ago I was waiting to go to a meeting with a c-level person but a woman was in his office talking to him. I finally tapped on the ajar door and said “sorry to interrupt but, Steve, we’re going to be late if we don’t get going now.”

The woman (I was about 30, she was about 50) said “oh honey, I didn’t see you there”. I didn’t call her out in front of Steve, and felt strange finding her later, but wish I’d said either in the moment “I prefer X” or found her later and said “when you called me honey earlier it made me think about my past job where I felt really disrespected. Please call me X”

Yes but in this case she was being intentionally rude/dismissive because you interrupted her time w a higher up.