How to deal with colleague who calls me "dear"?

[Anonymous]

It bothers me as I feel it is condescending, though probably subconsciously. This colleague is one year older than me though always behaves as if he is far older and more experienced than me. He is more senior than me in job title but we currently have the same level of role (he is not my boss and I don't have to answer to him but I have to work with him). He says it to most women but not men. Would you say something? How?

[Anonymous]

"Please do not call me 'dear.'"

That's your first step. And if you don't take it, don't stew and resent that the behavior will continue, because of course it will! Should he behave that way? No. Is he behaving that way? Yes. So you have to deal with it.

Your only possible first step is to calmly state, "Please do not call me 'dear.'"

[Anonymous]

Jack, please don’t call me dear.


If it continues, the very next time he says it, say, “I asked you to stop calling me dear. Yet you’re continuing to do so. My assumption is that you respect me as a person and as a colleague. What’s getting in the way of you respecting this reasonable request?”

If you let it go, you’re giving tacit approval for it to continue and you’re letting him know that you holding him accountable is nonexistent.

[Anonymous]

I would call him dear, and sweetie, and honey bun and poopsie until he got the message. Same thing you do it the weird toucher guy in the office. Preempt him by touching him all over first. Play with his hair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would call him dear, and sweetie, and honey bun and poopsie until he got the message. Same thing you do it the weird toucher guy in the office. Preempt him by touching him all over first. Play with his hair.

So engage in inappropriate work behavior to stop inappropriate work behavior.
Hmmmm.

[Anonymous]

“My name is x.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would call him dear, and sweetie, and honey bun and poopsie until he got the message. Same thing you do it the weird toucher guy in the office. Preempt him by touching him all over first. Play with his hair.

Uh, no.

It starts with the simple request, "Please do not call me that," and anything after that is one more firm request, and then it's time to bring in an HR rep and/or a supervisor.

[Anonymous]

Some people just do that. Chief is what my bacon and egg guy called my and my shoemaker called me boss, my aunts say dear.

I call everyone by first name which often pisses off C-level folk and regulators

One got I work with hates nick manes. Refuses to say Bob, Mike, Tom, Steve, Peg, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people just do that. Chief is what my bacon and egg guy called my and my shoemaker called me boss, my aunts say dear.

I call everyone by first name which often pisses off C-level folk and regulators

One got I work with hates nick manes. Refuses to say Bob, Mike, Tom, Steve, Peg, etc.

Do you not get that "Chief" is more respectful/you're-the-boss, "Boss" is more respectful, and "dear" is more belittling/you-are-smaller-than-me?

[Anonymous]

call him the same.

[Anonymous]

Can you give an example? I’m just trying to understand the context.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yes, I think I may not be complaining if I was called chief or boss. "Dear" seems to re-emphasize a subtle (or not so subtle) assumption he has that he is older, wiser, and more experienced than me, which is extra annoying given that he does virtually nothing and thinks he's smarter than everyone.

One extra thing is that I'm currently having some problems with him so I want to time it in a way that doesn't make him assume I'm picking on everything. I do think that someone needs to let him know that using words like that to women only is saying a lot about how he sees the pecking order.

Thanks for all the advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you give an example? I’m just trying to understand the context.

Could be something like "How are you, dear?" or "Listen, dear, I didn't mean to suggest that … " … fairly basic stuff. We're in our early 50s. He tends to do a lot of mansplaining so sometimes it's in that context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give an example? I’m just trying to understand the context.

Could be something like "How are you, dear?" or "Listen, dear, I didn't mean to suggest that … " … fairly basic stuff. We're in our early 50s. He tends to do a lot of mansplaining so sometimes it's in that context.

Yeah, not cool. He should know better. Just tell him to stop.
—a 52 year old woman.

[Anonymous]

In those examples, I’d “dear” him right back.