Emergency key/visit key: what are your expectations?

[Anonymous]

My local in-laws have keys to our house and vice versa. We all use them only with permission or could in an emergency. It’s never been addressed but we’re all just considerate enough that it’s the unspoken rule.

We don’t have enough visitors who come and go without us that they would need a key.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and parents have a key to the house. But they pick up dd from daycare once a week and bring her here before we get home from work.
When they come over for an event or dinner they don't use their key since we are home.
I have keys tonitb their houses and have stopped at both when they were away to check on their house, plants etc (with their knowledge).

This is pretty much us.

Although when the kids were young and my mom was newly retired, she frequently would stop by while I was at work or out running a carpool and she would do a load of laundry and then leave, or drop off some groceries. It worked for us. She never called first. I would just get home and find all the laundry done, folded and ready to put away. It was my little miracle!

So you were in college at the time?

Haven't you ever heard that it takes a village? Why must everybody be so quick to judge? It's a nice favor, one that I'd like to do for my family if I knew they were struggling or had a bad week and small kids. On the flip side, I'd also love somebody to help me out once in a while. It's just a thoughtful gesture.

Relax, it was funny.

Meh, I’m with pp. it was dismissive DCUM snark, like something is wrong if someone actually has a helpful family member. I’d love it if my mother were alive and close enough to help out like that. I don’t understand the expectation that we not only have to “do it all”, but that we also have to do it all alone. If that works for pp and her family, more power to them.

Thanks for the support! That was my post about the mom with the laundry. I thought it was great then and I still think it is great now. Now the shoe is on the other foot and my parents need a little extra help so I'll frequently pop in unannounced to their condo to drop something off or to help with a little chore. It works for us. I'm just happy they're still with us, happy and living good lives. There isn't much more to ask for!

You’re reading a lot into one little joke. -np

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My local parents have a key to our house. My assumption is they will only use it on the rare occasions that need access to our house when we are not there and we are aware they are going to be there. If they just stopped by and let themselves in it would be a problem.

Same here. If we are home, they knock. The keys are only for emergencies.

[Anonymous]

We have my local parents key and they have ours. They never come over without calling and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and parents have a key to the house. But they pick up dd from daycare once a week and bring her here before we get home from work.
When they come over for an event or dinner they don't use their key since we are home.
I have keys tonitb their houses and have stopped at both when they were away to check on their house, plants etc (with their knowledge).

This is pretty much us.

Although when the kids were young and my mom was newly retired, she frequently would stop by while I was at work or out running a carpool and she would do a load of laundry and then leave, or drop off some groceries. It worked for us. She never called first. I would just get home and find all the laundry done, folded and ready to put away. It was my little miracle!

So you were in college at the time?

Haven't you ever heard that it takes a village? Why must everybody be so quick to judge? It's a nice favor, one that I'd like to do for my family if I knew they were struggling or had a bad week and small kids. On the flip side, I'd also love somebody to help me out once in a while. It's just a thoughtful gesture.

Relax, it was funny.

Meh, I’m with pp. it was dismissive DCUM snark, like something is wrong if someone actually has a helpful family member. I’d love it if my mother were alive and close enough to help out like that. I don’t understand the expectation that we not only have to “do it all”, but that we also have to do it all alone. If that works for pp and her family, more power to them.

Thanks for the support! That was my post about the mom with the laundry. I thought it was great then and I still think it is great now. Now the shoe is on the other foot and my parents need a little extra help so I'll frequently pop in unannounced to their condo to drop something off or to help with a little chore. It works for us. I'm just happy they're still with us, happy and living good lives. There isn't much more to ask for!

You’re reading a lot into one little joke. -np

Jokes are supposed to be funny.

[Anonymous]

We have keys and door codes that are unique for each person. They are for emergencies only or when we've texted to let themselves in. We have changed the codes and utilized the deadbolts after both MIL went through our belongings while we weren't home and a neighbor/coworker repeatedly let himself up without invitation while I was home alone. Now, only my local family have the codes for petsitting purposes and one local friend has a key. MIL has to be escorted or she can wait at the nearby coffee shop until we arrive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and parents have a key to the house. But they pick up dd from daycare once a week and bring her here before we get home from work.
When they come over for an event or dinner they don't use their key since we are home.
I have keys tonitb their houses and have stopped at both when they were away to check on their house, plants etc (with their knowledge).

This is pretty much us.

Although when the kids were young and my mom was newly retired, she frequently would stop by while I was at work or out running a carpool and she would do a load of laundry and then leave, or drop off some groceries. It worked for us. She never called first. I would just get home and find all the laundry done, folded and ready to put away. It was my little miracle!

So you were in college at the time?

Haven't you ever heard that it takes a village? Why must everybody be so quick to judge? It's a nice favor, one that I'd like to do for my family if I knew they were struggling or had a bad week and small kids. On the flip side, I'd also love somebody to help me out once in a while. It's just a thoughtful gesture.

Relax, it was funny.

Meh, I’m with pp. it was dismissive DCUM snark, like something is wrong if someone actually has a helpful family member. I’d love it if my mother were alive and close enough to help out like that. I don’t understand the expectation that we not only have to “do it all”, but that we also have to do it all alone. If that works for pp and her family, more power to them.

Thanks for the support! That was my post about the mom with the laundry. I thought it was great then and I still think it is great now. Now the shoe is on the other foot and my parents need a little extra help so I'll frequently pop in unannounced to their condo to drop something off or to help with a little chore. It works for us. I'm just happy they're still with us, happy and living good lives. There isn't much more to ask for!

You’re reading a lot into one little joke. -np

Jokes are supposed to be funny.

Have you people established that one was joking, and that one didn't appreciate the joke, or shall we go on?

The case of Uh Huh vs. Nuh Uh needs to REST.

[Anonymous]

I have a key to my brother’s house. I never use it. Although when they had a newborn sometimes when I’d go over they would buzz me in and then say to use the key so they didn’t have to leave the baby.

[Anonymous]

Both parents have the code to our house although my parents live nearby part of the year and in-laws don’t visit. My parents do come by when we’re at work to grab a tool or a ladder or something like that often. Their second home here doesn’t have everything and I don’t mind them using my things. They let the dog out when they come so he’s happy about the arrangement too.

I do think someone needs to have a key to your house. It’s rare but there are emergencies when neighbors spot a flood or your smoke detectors or whatever and it’s best if someone can get in.

I have the codes to neighbors garages. I’ve put their packages in their garages when they’re gone and they ask me to. I’ve never entered their homes. Nearly everyone I know has full video cameras so I figure I’m being watched no matter what I do.

[Anonymous]

Seems the expectations of both the key giver and the key receiver matter. And who is the extra key supposed to help? Convenience for the giver or the receiver?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both parents have the code to our house although my parents live nearby part of the year and in-laws don’t visit. My parents do come by when we’re at work to grab a tool or a ladder or something like that often. Their second home here doesn’t have everything and I don’t mind them using my things. They let the dog out when they come so he’s happy about the arrangement too.

I do think someone needs to have a key to your house. It’s rare but there are emergencies when neighbors spot a flood or your smoke detectors or whatever and it’s best if someone can get in.

I have the codes to neighbors garages. I’ve put their packages in their garages when they’re gone and they ask me to. I’ve never entered their homes. Nearly everyone I know has full video cameras so I figure I’m being watched no matter what I do.

If a neighbor called me to say something was amiss, I could give them the garage code. No need for a key. I'd also hang up with them and send my local cousin or aunt over; I'd rather have family help me out when possible.

[Anonymous]

My parents have a key. Sometimes they drop by at the last second to bring us food my mom made or something like that. She’ll give me like 10 minutes notice so often I’m not home, but that’s fine. She’s doing something nice for us and we have nothing to hide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had to change our garage code after my ILs let themselves in with it A FULL DAY BEFORE their planned visit. They were supposed to arrive Friday and stay through Monday; instead they just decided to show up on Thursday while DH and I were at work.

They still pout that we changed the code and won't give them the new one. We hand them the key when they arrive and take it back when they depart, from now on.

Truly YMMV.

I'm the polar opposite of you. We gave our keys/codes to the inlaws and would love for them to 'just drop in' more. Good thing you and your spouse are on the same page, I guess. Just curious- what are you worried they will do/what have they done to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had to change our garage code after my ILs let themselves in with it A FULL DAY BEFORE their planned visit. They were supposed to arrive Friday and stay through Monday; instead they just decided to show up on Thursday while DH and I were at work.

They still pout that we changed the code and won't give them the new one. We hand them the key when they arrive and take it back when they depart, from now on.

Truly YMMV.

I'm the polar opposite of you. We gave our keys/codes to the inlaws and would love for them to 'just drop in' more. Good thing you and your spouse are on the same page, I guess. Just curious- what are you worried they will do/what have they done to you?

Pp has told this story before. IMO they super overreacted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had to change our garage code after my ILs let themselves in with it A FULL DAY BEFORE their planned visit. They were supposed to arrive Friday and stay through Monday; instead they just decided to show up on Thursday while DH and I were at work.

They still pout that we changed the code and won't give them the new one. We hand them the key when they arrive and take it back when they depart, from now on.

Truly YMMV.

I'm the polar opposite of you. We gave our keys/codes to the inlaws and would love for them to 'just drop in' more. Good thing you and your spouse are on the same page, I guess. Just curious- what are you worried they will do/what have they done to you?

Well I wasn't "worried" about anything, other than our lives are busy and scheduled and we both like to know what's going on in, you know, our own home. Our house was presentable, as always, but we hadn't finished making up the guest room, etc. We also were going to do one more grocery run the night before, and FIL complained that we didn't have the distilled water needed to fill his CPAP, and we didn't have limes for his preferred gin and tonic. We would have been fully ready if they had come on the day they were supposed to come.

Do you routinely make plans with people and then change those plans without discussing it with them first? It's extraordinarily rude to do that. As the saying goes, "Do What You Say You Will Do."