HELP! Defiant Teen

[Anonymous]

So sorry to read this as I have been in your shoes. My son was completely out of control from ages 14-16. Nothing we did worked. We tried therapy, he was hospitalized for threatening to jump off the roof, we called the police, we stripped his room of everything, took away his phone, etc, etc, etc. He skipped school, smoked copious amounts of weed, ran away (to friends' houses), punched holes in the walls, snuck out at night, etc. Finally we sent him to a residential treatment facility/school. He was there for 8 months at age 16. We wanted to do what we could while he was still underage and we had SOME control. I won't lie and say he came back completely different. However, he stopped running away and went to school. He played a varsity sport and graduated. He is now 19 and at a 4-year college. He is still challenging, but so much better than he was. I would do what you can now while you still can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only took four minutes?!

Four months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am at loss as to what to do with our DS.
He is a Freshman who failed a class last semester and is failing or has Ds in most of his classes. He has been grounded for failing the class but he sneaks out of the house and refuses to accept the grounding. Two weeks ago he came home so drunk he couldn't walk on his own.
We have taken away his phone when we found him sneaking out. Doesn't do his homework or study even when offer to help.
He won't listen to anything we say. If we try to stop him from going out he threatens violence. He has been violent in the past and damaged things around the house when he doesn't get his way.
The police have been here 3 times and once he was taken out in handcuffs to the hospital for evaluation.
We have done therapy but it has not helped. We hired a tutor to help with school which he refuses.
He was tested and diagnosed with ADHD and has medication (Vyvanse).
Says he hates us and we are terrible parents. We have an older child and do not have any of these issues.

Weak as hell. My son gets his phone taken away if I see a C. What you are describing? His phone would be a goner until he's 18 if that's how long it took for him to shape up the grades and behavior. Plus my DH would lay the hammer down like nobody's business. The man does not F around.

[Anonymous]

How does this process work if the teen will not willing go to the RTC? Do they actually send people to take him?

[Anonymous]

If the kid is not ready to go willingly, parents can hire an escort/transport service. That's usually separate from whatever shuttle service to/from an airport the rtc or tbs provides. Kids call the escorts "goons" btw. I never had to use them, but did have conversations with a couple of companies when it looked like that was a possibility. In my experience, the companies are quite sensitive to how fraught the situation can be, and work very hard to create an atmosphere of safety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does this process work if the teen will not willing go to the RTC? Do they actually send people to take him?

I'm the poster from 14:03 above. You can hire "escorts" if needed. I don't know about the cost. It wasn't necessary in our case. We got everything set up ahead of time, my husband went to the friend's house where our son had spent the night (without permission of course) and just picked him up and took him there. There was no flight/public transportation necessary in our case. We did not tell him ahead of time (other than to warn him he would not be living at home if he could not follow our basic rules). Honestly, he kind of gave up. There was no scene or fight involved. Ironically, it was probably helpful that he was at a friend's house; he is not the type to make a scene in front of other people. I think he kind of knew it was coming. At our weekly parents' meetings, I met other families who hired these escorts and the kids pretty much realize they have no choice.

[Anonymous]

Addendum: I would like to add that it was by far the hardest decision I have ever made. It was agonizing. It was the only time I have ever seen my husband cry. But it was so necessary. We were out of options and had tried everything else we could think of. I don't know where our son would be today if we had not done it but I doubt he would be at college. Most of his friends are doing pretty much nothing and several did not graduate.

[Anonymous]

Any other recommendations for RTC within driving distance of the DC area?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any other recommendations for RTC within driving distance of the DC area?

There aren’t that many and the ones I found required a significant private pay component.

I agree with PPs. Hardest and best decision we ever made. We wiped out all of our savings but our son is alive and thriving.

[Anonymous]

I don't recommend residential programs. They tend to make friends with other residents, who are also out of control. A lot of them hook up after treatment and the problems continue.

Finding a good family counselor can help enormously. Punishment is not working but finding ways for him to earn your approval and rewards may work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't recommend residential programs. They tend to make friends with other residents, who are also out of control. A lot of them hook up after treatment and the problems continue.

Finding a good family counselor can help enormously. Punishment is not working but finding ways for him to earn your approval and rewards may work.

PP here whose kid was in a RTC. Not our experience about making friends. He came home with no new contacts. Also he did meet people in the various hospitals he was in before he went to RTC but most were fine and it was easy to keep him away from those who weren’t. Thing about RTC is distance. And if your kid is at the point where you are considering RTC, most likely a family therapist isn’t enough.

[Anonymous]

OP, make him work. Manual labor. As much as possible. I have raised three great men and am raising their youngest brother now. I worked them hard. Tree work, lawn care, farm work.... make them get dirty. Boys NEED to work. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't recommend residential programs. They tend to make friends with other residents, who are also out of control. A lot of them hook up after treatment and the problems continue.

Finding a good family counselor can help enormously. Punishment is not working but finding ways for him to earn your approval and rewards may work.

My son did not stay in contact with the kids at his residential treatment school after the first few months of texting. Family counseling did not work for us. Our son was beyond this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any other recommendations for RTC within driving distance of the DC area?

Go see an educational consultant for recommendations. That is what we did. They will help you find a good fit and figure out what you can afford. We also wiped out our savings but our son is in college now and I don't think that would have happened had we not done this. My son went to Discovery School of VA. This is not a place for everyone as they live outside and do A LOT of manual labor. They have to earn school. Again, I recommend an educational consultant to help you find the right place. There are some who specialize in special needs and troubled teens.

[Anonymous]

You can also petition the court for a delinquency or deprivation determination.

This is something parents find horribly distasteful, basically telling the court "I am depriving--ie neglecting--my child" or "My child is a delinquent--ie a criminal", tantamount to spouses who have had to divorce to get medical care for a seriously ill partner. And many jurisdictions have modified the legal framework in the past 20 years in an effort to make the process more humane.

It doesn't save you any money if you have money or insurance for care, because child support laws apply to a parents whose kid ends up in a treatment facility under state/county custody. It does make it easier to get access to facilities the state has a contractual relationship with.

Of course, your kid could also end up in an abusive place, whether for-profit, non-profit, operated by the state, operated by some private entity.

Your child could die in such a place. Or not.

Your child could become more pathological or angrier at you. Or not.

Personally? I always stood by mine. He was adjudicated a few times. He was in the custody and/or care of other people and entities, some of which I was ok with and some of which I saw as serious threats to his safety as well as his future. I was never super huge on consequences, frankly, because I believed most of his missteps were because he was NOT controlling his behavior in any meaningful way rather than because he did not want to. Some may well have been "won't" vs. "can't"; I opted to err on the side of "can't".

I think parents do vary in terms of whether they see the solution as tough love or just . . . love. People can tell you what they did and how well it worked. That is NEVER a guarantee for your own kid, but connecting with other families with similar issues is a good idea for you AND for the kid.