HELP! Defiant Teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has he been tested for ODD? I try to envision what it’s like to be him. He can’t focus and has difficulty with the work because of his ADHD so he has given up. The way he is being taught is not working (and his parents don’t get it repeating the same study methods that don’t work). He is flailing, likely depressed so self medicating with alcohol and lashing out. The kid needs help. He will likely never learn in a traditional school setting. You need to get a handle on this now.

ODD is not really a diagnosis IMO, it results from other issues (such as the ADHD). A lot of knowledgeable professionals agree.

OP, you might read The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. It does apply to teens, not just young children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d request an evaluation at school and I’d probably look into a partial hospital program - long term if your insurance covers it. There is one in Rockville that used to be called NorthStar but the name may have changed. An Intensive Outpatient might also be a consideration.

Given his age and the fact that at age 18, you have no further control over treatment, you might want to consider a residential treatment program as well.

Absolutely this. He’s only 14 or 15 so I’d go at this full force while you still can. This isn’t a life sentence some kids can really turn around. Keeping calling the cops when he is violent. How is he sneaking out? Maybe you need alarms? Do you have younger children? They need a safety plan for when he is out of control.

I’m so sorry OP I wish you and your family the best

Yes! ILA dealing with his with son who is 18 - so very different laws and leverage. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Wilderness program!! It did wonders for my son last summer who was hospitalized twice and had many of the same problems you described your son having. He was there for 10 weeks living in the wilderness in NC and learned a tremendous amount of life skills, had daily therapy and grew up a TON! Granted, it was the toughest thing we had ever done, but I would do it again in a second knowing how beneficial it was for him. Something to be said for being outdoors, getting away from screens, and learning how to become self reliant and resilient.
We used an educational advocate who steered us in the wilderness direction. I'm still so grateful for it. Check out SUWS if the Carolinas about 20 east of Asheville. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I'd like to recommend empoweringparents.com. The articles are spot on and you can pay $20 a.month to have a "coach" to help get you through some of the struggles. It's commonsense about how to handle teenage behavior and how to live more peacefully together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't recommend residential programs. They tend to make friends with other residents, who are also out of control. A lot of them hook up after treatment and the problems continue.

Finding a good family counselor can help enormously. Punishment is not working but finding ways for him to earn your approval and rewards may work.

This has not been the experience of any of the troubled teens I know who have attended high quality residential treatment/boarding schools. One young woman I know went for 1.5 years, graduated high school and college and is about to head to law school. The treatment was long and hard. She resisted terribly and was in and out of hospital treatment before attending. It was a very difficult decision for the family emotionally and financially, but everyone is sure now it was the best choice. Parents and sibling also learned a lot through family counseling.

Please take the advice from people with actual experience in RTCs and look into them to see if there is something that could work for your son. Remember, it took a long time to get to this point and will likely take time to turn things around. Be wary of programs that tell you treatment will be short term.

Best of luck OP, I empathize with you and wish the best for you, your DS and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, make him work. Manual labor. As much as possible. I have raised three great men and am raising their youngest brother now. I worked them hard. Tree work, lawn care, farm work.... make them get dirty. Boys NEED to work. Good luck.

This is not relevant as this is beyond what you are mentioning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Addendum: I would like to add that it was by far the hardest decision I have ever made. It was agonizing. It was the only time I have ever seen my husband cry. But it was so necessary. We were out of options and had tried everything else we could think of. I don't know where our son would be today if we had not done it but I doubt he would be at college. Most of his friends are doing pretty much nothing and several did not graduate.

NP. Curious if you (or any others who have shared here) wished they would have done RTC earlier? How much earlier? How do you know it's time?

[Anonymous]

To answer the PP: we knew it was time when we could no longer keep DC safe, when DC's school let us know that DC could not function there, when DC's therapist did not have confidence that she could predict whether DC would stay safe, and when DC's psychiatrist told us that we were likely looking at a future of repeated and recurrent psychiatric hospitalizations. We had been contemplating the prospect of RTC for a while, and let all of the professionals on our DC's team know that we wanted straight answers from them about whether it was time to take that step.

[Anonymous]

NP. Curious if you (or any others who have shared here) wished they would have done RTC earlier? How much earlier? How do you know it's time?

PP whose son went to RTC. I've asked myself this question a hundred times. What I can say is this. I wish that my son had gotten better sooner. I also wish that we hadn't had to live through the hell that we lived through for as long as we lived through it. On the other hand, if my son had been able to skate through and if it had been easy for him, I'm not sure he would have made the progress he made. Sometimes I think he is doing well now because he hit rock bottom before we sent him and he had to work really hard to graduate from the program. He was vulnerable enough to benefit.

I think there are only two reasons that would lead me to wish I had had done it sooner. First is if my son had killed himself or died as a result of his reckless behavior. Second is if he aged out of juvenile programs and would have had to be treated in adult programs - there are so many less options and as a parent you cannot control whether your child stays.

As for knowing when it is time, for us it was a combination of behavior that put our son and our whole family in danger and no remaining treatment left to try that might have been successful - we had exhausted absolutely everything short of RTC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Addendum: I would like to add that it was by far the hardest decision I have ever made. It was agonizing. It was the only time I have ever seen my husband cry. But it was so necessary. We were out of options and had tried everything else we could think of. I don't know where our son would be today if we had not done it but I doubt he would be at college. Most of his friends are doing pretty much nothing and several did not graduate.

NP. Curious if you (or any others who have shared here) wished they would have done RTC earlier? How much earlier? How do you know it's time?

We knew when we had tried everything else. When he refused to follow any rules. We had no control or influence over him anymore. Honestly, it was when we felt like we had completely failed.

[Anonymous]

Question for those who have been through this. If they attend a RTC or Wilderness Program what happens when they return back home. Do they return to the same HS? Is there a danger of the same bad habits returning if they are put back into the same environment.

[Anonymous]

Vyvanse might not be a good choice for him. Everybody reacts differently. Ask the doctor about Intuniv, which has calming effects on some people.

[Anonymous]

To the PP who asked about what happens after: usually, the program will have specific recommendations for aftercare. Wilderness programs might recommend an RTC or a therapeutic boarding school as the next step, or they might recommend a return home, with some specifications about the type of school and support that your student might need.

At the TBS my daughter attended, probably 70% of the students who are not yet done with HS go to a boarding school for at least a year. If the student is coming home or finished with HS, there might be recommendations for an aftercare program during the period of transition back to the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, make him work. Manual labor. As much as possible. I have raised three great men and am raising their youngest brother now. I worked them hard. Tree work, lawn care, farm work.... make them get dirty. Boys NEED to work. Good luck.

My husband's Dad did this when he got rascally in high school. He dug ditches for telephone poles and worked 10 hour days in the heat and got treated like a man. He was different after that. I am thankful as he is a wonderful man, husband, and father. My parents did not send my brother to a RTC when he was 16 and they desperately needed to. He was violent and not going to school and etc. Turns out he had a mental illness but the failure to act aggressively ultimately cost him his life. Act aggressively and do tough love. Better to put the work in now than suffer later or not have any son at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, make him work. Manual labor. As much as possible. I have raised three great men and am raising their youngest brother now. I worked them hard. Tree work, lawn care, farm work.... make them get dirty. Boys NEED to work. Good luck.

My husband's Dad did this when he got rascally in high school. He dug ditches for telephone poles and worked 10 hour days in the heat and got treated like a man. He was different after that. I am thankful as he is a wonderful man, husband, and father. My parents did not send my brother to a RTC when he was 16 and they desperately needed to. He was violent and not going to school and etc. Turns out he had a mental illness but the failure to act aggressively ultimately cost him his life. Act aggressively and do tough love. Better to put the work in now than suffer later or not have any son at all.

The manual labor is great for those it worked for but what happens when the kid flat out refuses to do it. If you force him and he becomes violent - then what?