HELP! Defiant Teen

[Anonymous]

I am at loss as to what to do with our DS.
He is a Freshman who failed a class last semester and is failing or has Ds in most of his classes. He has been grounded for failing the class but he sneaks out of the house and refuses to accept the grounding. Two weeks ago he came home so drunk he couldn't walk on his own.
We have taken away his phone when we found him sneaking out. Doesn't do his homework or study even when offer to help.
He won't listen to anything we say. If we try to stop him from going out he threatens violence. He has been violent in the past and damaged things around the house when he doesn't get his way.
The police have been here 3 times and once he was taken out in handcuffs to the hospital for evaluation.
We have done therapy but it has not helped. We hired a tutor to help with school which he refuses.
He was tested and diagnosed with ADHD and has medication (Vyvanse).
Says he hates us and we are terrible parents. We have an older child and do not have any of these issues.

[Anonymous]

I’d request an evaluation at school and I’d probably look into a partial hospital program - long term if your insurance covers it. There is one in Rockville that used to be called NorthStar but the name may have changed. An Intensive Outpatient might also be a consideration.

Given his age and the fact that at age 18, you have no further control over treatment, you might want to consider a residential treatment program as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d request an evaluation at school and I’d probably look into a partial hospital program - long term if your insurance covers it. There is one in Rockville that used to be called NorthStar but the name may have changed. An Intensive Outpatient might also be a consideration.

Given his age and the fact that at age 18, you have no further control over treatment, you might want to consider a residential treatment program as well.

Absolutely this. He’s only 14 or 15 so I’d go at this full force while you still can. This isn’t a life sentence some kids can really turn around. Keeping calling the cops when he is violent. How is he sneaking out? Maybe you need alarms? Do you have younger children? They need a safety plan for when he is out of control.

I’m so sorry OP I wish you and your family the best

[Anonymous]

Take off the door to his room.

Pack up everything in his room when he is at school and send it to storage. Leave him with a bed, a mattress, bed linens and a closet. NOTHING ELSE. No electronics, no phone, no TV.

Reprogram the house Wi-Fi so that only you control the password and you can program into other people's devices. Put a lock on the TV.

Be waiting for him when he gets home with you, your DH and a therapist. Explain to him that he can start digging himself out of the hole he is in, and still be at home and go to regular school or the next step is that he does not live at home and will be MUCH more restrictive than what you are offering.

You cannot EVER accept violent behavior in the home. That should be a clearly communicated bright line. You and your family should not live in fear of an out of control family member.

We shipped our 13 yo off to a RTC for 8 months when he started veering in this direction and it was the best decision we could have made for our family. DS is now 18 and a completely different child.

When he says he hates you, just repeat, "I am sorry you feel that way and that it not how we feel about you, but we are not changing our position."

Look into residential treatment options, as you may very well need it.

[Anonymous]

RTC?

[Anonymous]

Residential Treatment Center

[Anonymous]

NorthStar is now called Newport.
https://www.newportacademy.com/

[Anonymous]

http://www.wolfcreekacademy.org/why/signs-of-adhd-in-adolescence/

[Anonymous]

Has he been tested for ODD? I try to envision what it’s like to be him. He can’t focus and has difficulty with the work because of his ADHD so he has given up. The way he is being taught is not working (and his parents don’t get it repeating the same study methods that don’t work). He is flailing, likely depressed so self medicating with alcohol and lashing out. The kid needs help. He will likely never learn in a traditional school setting. You need to get a handle on this now.

[Anonymous]

Is there even a test for ODD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take off the door to his room.

Pack up everything in his room when he is at school and send it to storage. Leave him with a bed, a mattress, bed linens and a closet. NOTHING ELSE. No electronics, no phone, no TV.

Reprogram the house Wi-Fi so that only you control the password and you can program into other people's devices. Put a lock on the TV.

Be waiting for him when he gets home with you, your DH and a therapist. Explain to him that he can start digging himself out of the hole he is in, and still be at home and go to regular school or the next step is that he does not live at home and will be MUCH more restrictive than what you are offering.

You cannot EVER accept violent behavior in the home. That should be a clearly communicated bright line. You and your family should not live in fear of an out of control family member.

We shipped our 13 yo off to a RTC for 8 months when he started veering in this direction and it was the best decision we could have made for our family. DS is now 18 and a completely different child.

When he says he hates you, just repeat, "I am sorry you feel that way and that it not how we feel about you, but we are not changing our position."

Look into residential treatment options, as you may very well need it.

Thanks for this. Can you share the name of the facility you used?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry. I have a 14 year old DS as well; this is scary. I agree with the others that you have to act now, while he is still (relatively) young and you have control.

Any concerns about the medication that he is on?

Does he have friends? Any interests at all? Something positive in his life (besides his family, which sounds great) that he can use as a starting place to turn things around?

Also, I highly recommend the book "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy." It's been mentioned in this forum many times, and seems to have helped a lot of families in various stages of this situation.

[Anonymous]

first PP. we sent our son to Elk River Treatment Program. We agree with PP - best decision we made. We had tried everything else and nothing worked. Our son was there for four minutes the - duration depends on how responsive your child is to treatment.

[Anonymous]

Only took four minutes?!

[Anonymous]

What is going on at home? You need a better evaluation and change your parenting to meet his needs not his siblings.