Being kind is more important than being right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Knowing when to let something go or even tell a white lie is a skill kids have to learn. As an argumentative woman, I sympathize with your reaction and I'm very sensitive to language about "being nice," especially with girls, but being "kind" is a different beast from "nice" and it suggests empathy and generosity to me, not just "being nice" for the sake of "being nice." Kindness imo isn't incompatible with empiricism or justice or argument or outspokenness.

It's kind of a dumb poster but maybe you can use it to spark a conversation.

+1

To use one of OP's examples: giving all the kids an A when they did not all master the material to the same degree doesn't actually seem especially kind to me. Students need to know when they are not getting it. They need constructive, honest feedback in order to learn and improve. There are kind and unkind ways to give that feedback. Kindness doesn't mean mealy-mouthed mushy niceness. It means treating people with respect, consideration, and generosity.

I teach my kid the rule I was taught. Before you say something, ask, "Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?" If it's not 2 out of the 3, don't say it.

I think you're way overreacting to a slogan on a poster. Kids aren't likely to read it in such black and white, absolute terms.

[Anonymous]

OP lets assume your know you are right about something and the other person is wrong. If you are kind and just walk away, you are still right, the facts are still right in your head, its just not worth the agument and upset it causes to prove your point to the other person.

I have a friend with a kid who will argue every little point with adult or child, It is exhausting to be around him. I am sure he has no friends because of this. He could learn a lot from this poster.

[Anonymous]

We have talked about the variously attributed advice to ask before you speak if what you are going to say is true, necessary and kind. Kids younger than MS can get these concepts and nuances. This can be difficult to capture on a poster but I think MS kids can make the leap. It is a good reminder and goodness knows, they need it. Let it go, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saw this poster on a door at Cooper Middle School in McLean, VA. I did a double take but the more I thought about it, the more irritated I became that this irrational hogwash is being taught to kids without mitigating context.

Yes, *SOMETIMES* it is more important to be kind than to be right. I can think of numerous scenarios where I would teach my kids to keep their thoughts to themselves because it's the right thing to do given the situation.

The issue I have with this poster is that it doesn't make this clarification and therefore is plainly wrong. I find it ironic that it is posted in a school, where we teach our kids to learn facts and reasoning first and foremost. I'm tempted to ask the teacher whether he/she gives all students an A since that's the kind thing to do.

What do other parents think, is being kind more important than being right, always?

Yes. I think that if your need to be right causes you to be unkind, you need to examine why it is so important to you to be right. I can imagine any number of situations in which a middle schooler would insist on being right in ways that are unkind. I cannot imagine a situation in which kindness would be the wrong response.

OP here. Yes I agree that there are situations where being kind is more important than being right - I acknowledged this in my original post. Your take that you can't imagine a situation in which kindness would be the wrong response rather depends on what you think kindness is. Is telling someone the truth about a situation, such as cutting someone from the sports team, even if it makes them sad, the kind thing to do?

I think that cutting someone from a sports team can be done kindly or unkindly. Saying, "I appreciate your enthusiasm for the team, but unfortunately, your skill at XYZ is not at the level the team requires at this time. Over the next year, I would recommend ABCD in order to improve those skills and to try out again next year" is a lot kinder than saying, "You are not good enough to play for this team" and offering no more feedback or information. I think that the poster you saw probably is intended to help middle schoolers learn to be tactful, which is not an innate skill for a lot of children.

OP here. It's quite clear that someone can be both kind and right at the same time, or be as kind as possible even if being right will cause some disappointment or sadness to the other person. But the message of the poster is that when there is a direct conflict between being kind and being right, then being kind is more important.

[Anonymous]

That would irritate me as well, OP. I was raised with the "never question adults/authority" rules by my parents and do NOT abide by those with my kids. Not questioning an adult and ignoring my gut feeling about a person is how I got molested as a kid.

I teach them to be respectful, but to not just agree with what an adult says because they're an adult or an authority figure. I've also taught them that they do NOT have to be kind to everyone if the other person is not being kind to them or is making them uncomfortable. When my son was around 5 there was a little girl in his class who would always hug him multiple times per day and give him kisses. He didn't like this and told her so. My wife and I were brought in for a meeting with the teacher and the little girl's parents because she cried and told the teacher that he'd hurt her feelings. The girl's mom didn't understand why I wouldn't make him apologize to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Knowing when to let something go or even tell a white lie is a skill kids have to learn. As an argumentative woman, I sympathize with your reaction and I'm very sensitive to language about "being nice," especially with girls, but being "kind" is a different beast from "nice" and it suggests empathy and generosity to me, not just "being nice" for the sake of "being nice." Kindness imo isn't incompatible with empiricism or justice or argument or outspokenness.

It's kind of a dumb poster but maybe you can use it to spark a conversation.

+1

To use one of OP's examples: giving all the kids an A when they did not all master the material to the same degree doesn't actually seem especially kind to me. Students need to know when they are not getting it. They need constructive, honest feedback in order to learn and improve. There are kind and unkind ways to give that feedback. Kindness doesn't mean mealy-mouthed mushy niceness. It means treating people with respect, consideration, and generosity.

I teach my kid the rule I was taught. Before you say something, ask, "Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?" If it's not 2 out of the 3, don't say it.

I think you're way overreacting to a slogan on a poster. Kids aren't likely to read it in such black and white, absolute terms.

OP here. Thanks to both of you for your thoughtful posts. I am specifically not questioning whether someone can be kind and right at the same time, or whether or not we should maximize our kindness if the situation allows it. Clearly these are the easy decisions. The difficulty comes when you have a conflicting choice of being kind or being right. I acknowledge that sometimes you would choose to be kind rather than being right, but not always as the poster implies.

On reflection, I am thankful for the poster since it's gotten me to reflect on this topic even if I don't agree with its message completely. Thanks to both of you for engaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Saw this poster on a door at Cooper Middle School in McLean, VA. I did a double take but the more I thought about it, the more irritated I became that this irrational hogwash is being taught to kids without mitigating context.

Yes, *SOMETIMES* it is more important to be kind than to be right. I can think of numerous scenarios where I would teach my kids to keep their thoughts to themselves because it's the right thing to do given the situation.

The issue I have with this poster is that it doesn't make this clarification and therefore is plainly wrong. I find it ironic that it is posted in a school, where we teach our kids to learn facts and reasoning first and foremost. I'm tempted to ask the teacher whether he/she gives all students an A since that's the kind thing to do.

What do other parents think, is being kind more important than being right, always?

You are starting from the wrong premise.

Schools no longer teach facts and reason, not even for science.

They teach feelings, and that everything is gray

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But OP, the poster does come with context. It's just that you missed it.

The phrase (and the poster font, too) is a reference to the fiction book read by many elementary students, Wonder by R.J. Palacio. You should read it - it's a quick and easy read.

Thank you. I'm kind of shocked at how many parents are posters on the thread don't get this

[Anonymous]

I do think OP is on to something. There seems to be a current movement that facts and truth don't matter, but feels matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think OP is on to something. There seems to be a current movement that facts and truth don't matter, but feels matter.

Not really - the movement is a shift to "all opinions are valid" without requiring accuracy regarding the "facts" a person uses to defend those opinions.

That is completely different from a playground poster about treating people around you with respect and kindness. You have to be kind to the people with ill-formed opinions, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But OP, the poster does come with context. It's just that you missed it.

The phrase (and the poster font, too) is a reference to the fiction book read by many elementary students, Wonder by R.J. Palacio. You should read it - it's a quick and easy read.

Thank you. I'm kind of shocked at how many parents are posters on the thread don't get this

Ironically, it seems they are choosing to be neither kind nor right....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But OP, the poster does come with context. It's just that you missed it.

The phrase (and the poster font, too) is a reference to the fiction book read by many elementary students, Wonder by R.J. Palacio. You should read it - it's a quick and easy read.

Thank you. I'm kind of shocked at how many parents are posters on the thread don't get this

Ironically, it seems they are choosing to be neither kind nor right....

OP here. Thanks for pointing this out. I did not reply to the first poster who posted this theory because I didn't want to go down this tangent. But since others have seen fit to pile on...

One of the things I did after seeing this poster is to Google the phrase, since it seems to be one of those motivational quotes, although it is not attributed at all on the poster, which shows a lack of integrity on the part of the poster maker, but that's not really important in our present context. Here's an image of the poster I found online:



One of the first results that popped up is a quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald, who said "To be kind is more important than to be right. Many times, what people need is not a brilliant mind that speaks but a special heart that listens." Note that this whole quote provides important additional context in the second sentence, which I agree with.

Digging more deeply, I found that the exact direct quote of "being kind is more important than being right" is attributed to Andy Rooney of 60 minutes fame. However, this quote being attributed to him has been found to be the work of one of those "forward this email to your friends/family" campaigns:

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/what-ive-learned/

Therefore, it was not really an Andy Rooney quote, but a false attribution.

Now, I do agree that there is a strong parallel with the message of this quote with the kindness message in the book Wonder, but it's clear to me that this poster is not a quote or reference to wonder. Maybe the teacher who put the poster up thought it was a good reference so I'll give the benefit of the doubt here.

[Anonymous]

"Be kind" seems like a better message

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saw this poster on a door at Cooper Middle School in McLean, VA. I did a double take but the more I thought about it, the more irritated I became that this irrational hogwash is being taught to kids without mitigating context.

Yes, *SOMETIMES* it is more important to be kind than to be right. I can think of numerous scenarios where I would teach my kids to keep their thoughts to themselves because it's the right thing to do given the situation.

The issue I have with this poster is that it doesn't make this clarification and therefore is plainly wrong. I find it ironic that it is posted in a school, where we teach our kids to learn facts and reasoning first and foremost. I'm tempted to ask the teacher whether he/she gives all students an A since that's the kind thing to do.

What do other parents think, is being kind more important than being right, always?

Yes. I think that if your need to be right causes you to be unkind, you need to examine why it is so important to you to be right. I can imagine any number of situations in which a middle schooler would insist on being right in ways that are unkind. I cannot imagine a situation in which kindness would be the wrong response.

OP is right - the word "sometimes" should be added. While I generally agree with that "sometimes" it's more important to be kind than to be right, I remember growing up as a girl in this society and always feeling like I had to take care of other people's feelings. To make this a blanket statement is to encourage children to shut up when they should speak up.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you, OP. What a lack of nuance. Would have irritated me, too. Especially in a middle school context where often times kids will choose going with the flow/not standing out instead of considering what is right.

Btw, I don't remember how this relates to Wonder (Auggie was quite kind, others were unkind to him?), but I do have a special needs child. Still feel this way.