My kids don’t listen

[Anonymous]

I start off calm and often end up yelling.

[Anonymous]

You really need to give warnings "In 5 minutes it will be time to pickup so that we can go to swimming."

In 5 minutes it will be time to stop playing and get dressed. I'll be back when the 5 minutes are up." (then go and do whatever - then come back. "OK, time to get dressed now. Are you going to wear the blue pants or the red ones?

And, yes, for a 5 year old you can work on "Listening the first time we ask" after that you will get a consequence. You will NOT repeat yourself ad nauseum. You will give a warning. Then you will announce the instruction. then they will listen or else.

the or else is dependent - need them to get dressed? then you will help them. And, yes, while you aren't "forceful" you are no nonsense about it. They will hate it because they want to be independent. But here is where I do NOT give them another chance, because they just learn that you will give them all the cahnces in the world. "No, you can't do it alone because you didn't listen the first time. So now I will put your shirt on and take your pjs off. Arms up."

If it's something you care less about (whether they have time to read a book before bed, or whether there is time to have dessert before bedtime, or whether they have time to go to favored playground vs. the close playground) then that is the consequence. "If you listen the first time, right now, and get dressed now we will have time to go to the cool playground. Otherwise, we will go to the close one because we won't have time. Your choice."

But.... it all starts with a warning. Because YOU aren't just abruptly told to turn off the TV and go to bed. Or to hang up the phone and go to lunch. Or.... we shouldn't be doing it to our children, because it frustrates them intensely (as it would you)

[Anonymous]

Check out How to Talk So Little Kids will Listen

The people counseling force are well-intentioned, but as you noticed by 5 you are very much dealing with another person. That means every interaction like you described has two purposes: 1) elicit coopération and 2) model social skills. Of course there have to be times when what you say goes period, but do you really want to escalate every interaction to a power struggle? Or do you want to teach your kids how to lead with grace, humor, empathy, and charisma? I’ve used the tips from that book as well as No-Drama Discipline, Listen, and other similar resources. There’s very little drama in our family as a result and I just don’t give the kids grounds for defiance. I want them to learn what it means to belong to a family. If I wanted them to be little robots I would send them to military school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never ask a question that can be responded with no, unless you want a no response. Don’t say “can you get dressed?” Say “it’s time to get dressed” “I need you to get dressed”. If they respond back with no say “I’m not asking you, I’m telling you to get dressed. Now please go get dressed” if the arguing continues reminder her that mom or nanny can help with getting dressed or she can do it by herself. And yes, that might be actually helping her get dressed. “You were told two times to do it and you chose not to listen, now I will help you. You can put your shoes on myself you, and you can try again tomorrow.”
Be consistent. I know it’s a pain, but it will work.
Give positive reinforcements. When she gets out of bed, or gets dressed or takes a shower after the first time she is told, give high fives and way to go’s, keep up the good work!

This!! Language used is so important. I think a lot of parents don't even realize they do this asking- their-kids-to-do-things thing a lot. I have one cousin who only ever speaks to his children that way. "Son, would you like to come have breakfast? Would you like to come take a shower?" Of course his children are basically feral. Everything an adult says to them is merely a suggestion. Observing that has taught me so much about just being the leader in the household.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried having consequences

[Anonymous]

10 times? They’ve internalized that they can ignore you over and over. It’s your fault. Take control. They don’t listen, consequence, they don’t listen again, consequence. It will change in a hurry, but it is all up to you. 10 times? Unbelievable. Stop letting kids dictate pace in your house, people. Cos isn’t coming to your door, because you have boundaries

[Anonymous]

I meant CPS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never ask a question that can be responded with no, unless you want a no response. Don’t say “can you get dressed?” Say “it’s time to get dressed” “I need you to get dressed”. If they respond back with no say “I’m not asking you, I’m telling you to get dressed. Now please go get dressed” if the arguing continues reminder her that mom or nanny can help with getting dressed or she can do it by herself. And yes, that might be actually helping her get dressed. “You were told two times to do it and you chose not to listen, now I will help you. You can put your shoes on myself you, and you can try again tomorrow.”
Be consistent. I know it’s a pain, but it will work.
Give positive reinforcements. When she gets out of bed, or gets dressed or takes a shower after the first time she is told, give high fives and way to go’s, keep up the good work!

This!! Language used is so important. I think a lot of parents don't even realize they do this asking- their-kids-to-do-things thing a lot. I have one cousin who only ever speaks to his children that way. "Son, would you like to come have breakfast? Would you like to come take a shower?" Of course his children are basically feral. Everything an adult says to them is merely a suggestion. Observing that has taught me so much about just being the leader in the household.

Except that my kids have no problem saying “no” in response to a command or a choice. E.g., it’s time to get dressed, do you want to wear the blue shirt or red shirt? Kid responds, “no!” Or demands the pink shirt. I tell them to come down to eat breakfast. “No!”

[Anonymous]

Are you listening Pp? They say no because they know nothing will happen. They say no, consequence. Repeat every time, follow through and things will change

[Anonymous]

Maybe I'm in the minority, but I start using my silly voice and do silly gestures. It gets their attention (1, 3, and 5yr old). Then I sneak in pulling off their pjs and replacing it quickly with a shirt - still using a silly voice/pretending to be the PJ Fairy or Sock Fairy or whatever I can improv at that moment. I'll pretend to put their shoes on too sometimes or put their shoes on my hands and "walk" my hands to their feet and then slide them on.

I don't know...to me, it is much easier to save my voice of doom for more critical things. We get out of the house on time and keep on schedule/routine/where we need to be so it does work.

My 5 yr old is just starting to understand the concept of time, but my younger kids don't. Say "10 more minutes" means nothing to them. I could set the timer for 1000 minutes or 1 minute and it doesn't really register which one is 10 minutes.

I also emphasize. "Larla, I know you and Larlita are having so much fun with barbie and the horse, but it's time for XYZ now. How about barbie finishes riding the horse and then we'll get everybody into the car b/c XYZ is starting soon/waiting/ whatever".