My kids don’t listen
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Anonymous
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What should I be doing? Kids are 5.5 and 3.5
A few examples: Me: DD let’s get dressed! DD: No, I want to sleep/play more Me: you can’t we need to leave the house soon. DD: not now, later ... after 10 Times I start getting upset, she gets upset too and eventually she gets dressed complaining. Another example: Me or nanny: DD time for shower! ... everything repeats again until she is either crying and I am upset, or I threaten to throw away the toy she was playing with. They are worse with nanny and my parents, it they don’t respond well to me and DH as well. Unless someone is really upset and screaming, they won’t cooperate. I know I am doing something wrong. What can i do? TIA |
Anonymous
No repeating. You say something, she does it. If not, you stop her from what she is doing, and you "help" her follow your directions. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you. Do you mean grabbing her arm and forcefully put clothes on her? I have done it more than once, but then she starts crying and I feel bad... isn’t this too violent? Sometimes my instincts tell me to spank her (I don’t)... she/they get to my nerves! |
Anonymous
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The problem is they don't know the routine. You have to set up a routine for stuff you want to get done - at least the stuff that happens every single day.
You can write it down - even - eventually they will be able to read it. Wake up Brush teeth get dressed breakfast get backpack leave for day care Evening routine is same dinner shower brush teeth read book Or whatever you want - it will go easier when they know what to expect. |
Anonymous
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" Do you want to wear this pink shirt or this blue shirt?" "Do you want to put on your pants or for mommy to put on your pants?" When I dress her I make it kind of unpleasant.
"Do you want to skip to the bath or be dragged?" She likes being dragged by her feet, go figure. And there is a LOT of positive reinforcement. Lots of clapping and saying "great job" for routine things which is annoying but gets her motivated to keep doing it. "You found and out on your hat to leave!" Great job" "You packed your preschool bag! "Thank you for helping!" " I try to never say anything that can be answered with "no" or start anything with "let's or it's time for". It doesn't work for my dd and it's ignored. Dd is 3. And yes routine routine. I'm one of those people that changes out of pjs as soon as we are out of bed, same for dd. She doesn't know she can be in pjs outside of her bed etc. always a shower before books and bed. Sometimes the grind of the routine gets me down and it's exhausting but I always regret changing it up. |
Anonymous
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Have you tried 1-2-3 Magic? I actually count backward so there is a definite end point, but it seems to work.
Also, I don’t think taking away the toy she is playing with until she gets dressed is unreasonable. I say something like @ I will hold that until you are done.” |
Anonymous
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Also give a timetable:
“DD in 5 minutes you need to get dressed/ take a shower/ pick up your toys, whatever.” Then count down: in 3 minutes, in 1 minute, etc Eventually you won’t have to give so many countdown reminders. |
Anonymous
| This is on you. Children are not feral and it is up to parents to teach them to be civil and we'll mannered. Children this young do not get choices. They mind you. |
Anonymous
| From your examples it is clear your children do listen, they just do not obey. They are in charge at your house. |
Anonymous
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We use a sand minute timer thing (got a 4 pack from amazon that has 1 min, 2 min etc), and will give a minute or two between transitions. The timer seems to help because our kids can actually see how much time is left rather than just saying “one minute until we get dressed”
Also making picture of the routine is helpful and showing what’s next. |
Anonymous
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https://www.amazon.com/Me-Epidemic-Step-Step-Over-Entitled/dp/0399184864/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1550712387&sr=8-1&keywords=me+me+me+epidemic
The tactics in this book work really well for older elementary kids, the 1-2-3 magic, or other books geared toward younger kids don't work as well when you're implementing new routines with an older child. |
Anonymous
| Mine gets dressed 20x quicker when he's motivated by something afterwards. In our case it's some shows he can watch. I've also threatened to take away things he likes doing but that doesn't always register until the following day when he realized how disappointing it was he wasn't able to drive by the fire station on the way to school the day prior for poor listening, and is motivated to not repeat that experience. |
Anonymous
| You might find a parenting class helpful. It’s tough to realize you need to rethink your approaches and a few sessions in a class can help. Good for you for trying to fix it now. Let them know what is next and stick to the routine. Try to keep yourself as calm as possible. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thank you everyone. I know I have a lot to learn. I think it’s an issue mainly with my eldest (5.5) my younger one copies her sister, but for the most part as long as she get sick to wear what she wants (not a battle I want to fight) Is pretty good. The strange thing is that my youngest is the rebellious one with strong opinions and strong personality. My older is generally a rule follower, but the morning and the evening shower are just tough. We haven’t changed routine much except that the girls now sleep together and have an ok to wake up clock so sometimes they wake up earlier and start playing in their room. When they were sleeping separately, the morning was easier (but the night she were ‘t) because as soon as they woke up, we would be putting clothes on... now they have to stop playing so I guess it is more difficult also because of this. We made is change (shared room and ok to wake up clock) about 2 months ago. |
Anonymous
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Never ask a question that can be responded with no, unless you want a no response. Don’t say “can you get dressed?” Say “it’s time to get dressed” “I need you to get dressed”. If they respond back with no say “I’m not asking you, I’m telling you to get dressed. Now please go get dressed” if the arguing continues reminder her that mom or nanny can help with getting dressed or she can do it by herself. And yes, that might be actually helping her get dressed. “You were told two times to do it and you chose not to listen, now I will help you. You can put your shoes on myself you, and you can try again tomorrow.”
Be consistent. I know it’s a pain, but it will work. Give positive reinforcements. When she gets out of bed, or gets dressed or takes a shower after the first time she is told, give high fives and way to go’s, keep up the good work! |