Are your husbands that don't care about keeping in touch with their parents bad husbans?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question. All these posts about husbands not doing things at home, clueless about house, kids, helping dw, are they the ones who are detached from their family of origin? Can it be that all of their parents are from hell (dramatically speaking)? If they are not and are just regular people, can such a person truly be a good husband and a father?

-1

Sometimes, when husbands get into a living situation (as an adult) that is glaringly more favorable than how they grew up, it is such a huge disparity, the husband realizes what they are missing. It is perfectly possible that some husbands choose their polar-opposite-from-their-mother wives for good reason. I know husbands that barely call their mother for their mother's birthday, because the mother is kind of mean, snarky, bitter and ill-spirited - surprise, the opposite of the wife. The wife could tell the husband a million times to call his mom, but it does not change his mind about how he feels about the mother, and how he was treated, growing up. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bad sons, not bad husbands. This is only makes them bad husbands if they are complicit in any in-law expectations that their wives should be doing this. In other words, if they blame or allow their parents to blame, the wives instead of accepting responsibility for it themselves.

+1

I think some MILs are stuck in the dark ages, and those MILs want their sons to be as uninvolved as their husbands (FIL) were - but those MILs still feel owed (but their sons). For shame. It is easy to blame the wife, but it is a poor reflection on the MIL to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question. All these posts about husbands not doing things at home, clueless about house, kids, helping dw, are they the ones who are detached from their family of origin? Can it be that all of their parents are from hell (dramatically speaking)? If they are not and are just regular people, can such a person truly be a good husband and a father?

-1

Sometimes, when husbands get into a living situation (as an adult) that is glaringly more favorable than how they grew up, it is such a huge disparity, the husband realizes what they are missing. It is perfectly possible that some husbands choose their polar-opposite-from-their-mother wives for good reason. I know husbands that barely call their mother for their mother's birthday, because the mother is kind of mean, snarky, bitter and ill-spirited - surprise, the opposite of the wife. The wife could tell the husband a million times to call his mom, but it does not change his mind about how he feels about the mother, and how he was treated, growing up. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

"were missing" (growing up)

[Anonymous]

Interesting thread. My husband is both a good son and a good husband (and father himself). It was important to me that he treated his parents well and seemed grateful for what they did for him and his siblings. His parents are certainly not perfect, but they are good people and parents and I don't have to nag him to call them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread. My husband is both a good son and a good husband (and father himself). It was important to me that he treated his parents well and seemed grateful for what they did for him and his siblings. His parents are certainly not perfect, but they are good people and parents and I don't have to nag him to call them.

No one is asking for perfect. Not abusive (blatantly, or on the sly passive aggressive) and not allowing abuse would be fine. My family is not perfect, but they communicate and welcome people - don't just talk about it, actually do it and show warmth. My family set a good example by consistently taking the high road, not just when they want something. Don't have more kids than you can handle, and there should not be a problem. Also, get mental help when you need it, own your sh*t, don't take it out on someone else (in the case I mention).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread. My husband is both a good son and a good husband (and father himself). It was important to me that he treated his parents well and seemed grateful for what they did for him and his siblings. His parents are certainly not perfect, but they are good people and parents and I don't have to nag him to call them.

No one is asking for perfect. Not abusive (blatantly, or on the sly passive aggressive) and not allowing abuse would be fine. My family is not perfect, but they communicate and welcome people - don't just talk about it, actually do it and show warmth. My family set a good example by consistently taking the high road, not just when they want something. Don't have more kids than you can handle, and there should not be a problem. Also, get mental help when you need it, own your sh*t, don't take it out on someone else (in the case I mention).

PP here. To add - thankfully, some husbands learn from their birth family dysfunction, and create a different atmosphere with their nuclear family, very deliberately. First, by seeking a woman opposite their mother. Of course, if you ask the ILs, "nothing happened" growing up, as far as they are concerned - so, therein is the problem. Some MILs have not one thing in common with their DIL, and the ILs take that as a personal affront - instead of organically including, making an effort and learning more about the DIL. Bombarding the DIL with questions about : "what their family did" or whatever, obviously to gauge judgement, is not getting to know DIL. For example: MIL inviting everyone (usually, not always, - sometimes they leave one person out - RUDE) on an annual get together, then refusing to engage or make an effort with the DIL or your son's children - doesn't count. We have very, very limited time off and I'll stay home, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread. My husband is both a good son and a good husband (and father himself). It was important to me that he treated his parents well and seemed grateful for what they did for him and his siblings. His parents are certainly not perfect, but they are good people and parents and I don't have to nag him to call them.

No one is asking for perfect. Not abusive (blatantly, or on the sly passive aggressive) and not allowing abuse would be fine. My family is not perfect, but they communicate and welcome people - don't just talk about it, actually do it and show warmth. My family set a good example by consistently taking the high road, not just when they want something. Don't have more kids than you can handle, and there should not be a problem. Also, get mental help when you need it, own your sh*t, don't take it out on someone else (in the case I mention).

PP here. To add - thankfully, some husbands learn from their birth family dysfunction, and create a different atmosphere with their nuclear family, very deliberately. First, by seeking a woman opposite their mother. Of course, if you ask the ILs, "nothing happened" growing up, as far as they are concerned - so, therein is the problem. Some MILs have not one thing in common with their DIL, and the ILs take that as a personal affront - instead of organically including, making an effort and learning more about the DIL. Bombarding the DIL with questions about : "what their family did" or whatever, obviously to gauge judgement, is not getting to know DIL. For example: MIL inviting everyone (usually, not always, - sometimes they leave one person out - RUDE) on an annual get together, then refusing to engage or make an effort with the DIL or your son's children - doesn't count. We have very, very limited time off and I'll stay home, thanks.

One more addition: blatant favoritism of your daughter's kids do nothing to help your cause, MIL. DC are smart kids, they know exactly how you roll.

[Anonymous]

People who aren't committed to family will probably reflect this in their relationship with their immediate family in the future. It's not the example you want to create for any generation.
Even troublesome families are your best bet as an emergency support system.

[Anonymous]

DH is an Italian mamas boy and not a great husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question. All these posts about husbands not doing things at home, clueless about house, kids, helping dw, are they the ones who are detached from their family of origin? Can it be that all of their parents are from hell (dramatically speaking)? If they are not and are just regular people, can such a person truly be a good husband and a father?

This is 100% the case with my ex. He was not only detached, he treated them horribly when they visited. He refused to visit or call. He is an only child and they are not “from hell” at all. Ex is just an incredible asshole. He is completely cut off from his parents now - leaving it up to me to maintain a relationship for the grandkids. It’s so sad.
Ex was not an involved partner or parent when our kids were little, now sees them one weekend a month on the average. Had I been more aware of the poor relationship between him and his parents I might not have married him - although to be honest I’m not sure if I would have realized the connection between bad son and bad husband/father at the time. I would advise any woman to pay close attention to how a potential mate treats his parents.
For what it’s worth my now husband is a wonderful partner and parent to all of our kids. He adores his mother and was always respectful to his father - even though the father didn’t much deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question. All these posts about husbands not doing things at home, clueless about house, kids, helping dw, are they the ones who are detached from their family of origin? Can it be that all of their parents are from hell (dramatically speaking)? If they are not and are just regular people, can such a person truly be a good husband and a father?

This is 100% the case with my ex. He was not only detached, he treated them horribly when they visited. He refused to visit or call. He is an only child and they are not “from hell” at all. Ex is just an incredible asshole. He is completely cut off from his parents now - leaving it up to me to maintain a relationship for the grandkids. It’s so sad.
Ex was not an involved partner or parent when our kids were little, now sees them one weekend a month on the average. Had I been more aware of the poor relationship between him and his parents I might not have married him - although to be honest I’m not sure if I would have realized the connection between bad son and bad husband/father at the time. I would advise any woman to pay close attention to how a potential mate treats his parents.
For what it’s worth my now husband is a wonderful partner and parent to all of our kids. He adores his mother and was always respectful to his father - even though the father didn’t much deserve it.

Your ex is my SIL's ex. Detached from everything, never there for kids apart from money(now), and even that only after the kids were totally messed up. He did nothing for DW, no house help, let alone nice small gestures, now he is paying for it, he earns a lot of money, so no need to feel bad for him, by buying his adult kids anything they want, paying for extravagant vacations, apartments, yet they do not come to him for any help if it involves kind words, listening, emotions. He dislikes his parents, lives half an hour away and will see them twice a year, apart from vacations they fully pay for, and then he makes a rule that nobody is to expect him to do things. The thing is, he still doesn't get what he did wrong, it is all SIL's fault that she had expectations!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: People who aren't committed to family will probably reflect this in their relationship with their immediate family in the future. It's not the example you want to create for any generation.
Even troublesome families are your best bet as an emergency support system.

There are plenty of MILs who are not "committed to family".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is an Italian mamas boy and not a great husband.

Really? My BFF is married to an Italian (from Italy), and she says he is the best husband and father (behind closed doors, not just in public). Maybe not a great stereotype to have?

[Anonymous]

We live accross the country from our parents and my Dh hates the phone - hated it back when were dating too. He’s not in touch with his parents often (I fall them more) but he loves them. He is a loving and involved partner and dad. My father avoided his parents - he was an okay father and spouse (not awful, not great). I actually think he’s a better father to me as a grown up.

[Anonymous]

My husband rarely talks to his mother who lives overseas. Father is not in his life. She's the reason he moved over here, and is not a kind individual. On the flip side, he's an outstanding father and good husband. He's a genuinely good human that wants to be the person to his kids that his father is not. Ironically, I had a very abusive childhood so I think that's a common bond for us. Our nuclear family is absolutely our top priority.